Final reflections on my life

I'm bitter, almost hateful, at this point. And just being ripped apart daily by my own thoughts and emotions. But none of this is new.

These few pages of text can't do any of this justice, and I'll definitely be forgetting things.. but I know if it's any longer it wouldn't be very reddit friendly..

Talking about this is weird for me but I can't really take this mental solitude anymore. Maybe this is just to document my final reflections before I kill myself, I don't know. But if anyone reads this post please do not make some cookie cutter comment like “IT'LL GET BETTER.” I will have to wholeheartedly laugh you off the face of the fucking earth. No offence. I will try to take serious comments to heart, though.

I'm a 22 year old male. I've struggled with documented-(in retrospect) mental illness since the age of 2 but possibly since birth. I was always different growing up; introverted, awkward – or even ugly - looking, more adept with the english language than anyone else my age, preferred socializing with adults, and a lot kinder than most – which was paired with a blind rage temper that got me in a lot of trouble. But I was resilient enough to shrug off just about all the shit I had to endure growing up. I was humbled by my experiences.

I don't want to bore you with too much detail here so I'll just try to mention what I think is important earlier on. As mentioned I was different growing up, always being left out and bullied at just about every school I went to. I had an unstable childhood at best, I've moved about 30 times at this point. I ended up in a foster home at one point because of my mom's crystal meth addiction. But I was still happy as a child, despite being the odd one out and not of wealth I found a lot to be happy for. As long as I had my mom with me I could go anywhere and start again. And start again we did.

As I grew older and suffered loss continuously I started to become more of a recluse. I started developing the first mental illness anyone ever actually realized I had around the age of 14, which is called Major Depressive Disorder. I started becoming very unstable, and always miserable. The illness I've had my entire life, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, started taking hold much more aggressively around this time.

I had also gone through a lot more social anguish by this point. The middle school I went to was just about the worst experience of my childhood. It was a bunch of rich kids, pretty much everyone talked behind my back and treated me like complete shit. At my first high school I developed a small group of close friends. For the first time in years I felt some relief from being 100% left out. But it didn't last. My home life and social life went to shit again.

As I had experienced in the past some of these friends turned out to not be as close as I thought. As was usual I ended up being singled out- and for defending myself more or less. Although I did it in a very angry, confused way. I still had some of the other friends I made but I was extremely unstable at this point and would just disappear. This was due to my mother's new found addictions and unwanted house guests. Unwanted by me. A bunch of trash. My mom was high on coke and wasted 24/7. She wouldn't sleep for days on end and she'd blast shitty pop/club music. A lot of other things happened too. It might sound funny but it really fucked with me. I would be kept awake every night by music I loathed and a mother I could no longer recognize as my own. Once I lost her I lost the last thing I had from my younger days, and that was when I started going violently down hill. At this point I was 16.

My few remaining friends and acquaintances thought I was dead or gone away at various points. I wouldn't go to school anymore. I couldn't do it. I'd just sit there getting mad, unable to concentrate or give a fuck about any of it. Bitter towards all these people smiling, going with their lives like nothing was wrong. I'd drop out for months at a time. I'd just game, it was all I could do to escape my torment. I'm lucky, I suppose, to have side stepped every substance addiction except caffeine. But I lost connection with the real world at that point.

I ended up having to move back to a place I lived when I was younger – to live with my father that I never knew. I should have picked someone else. I got screamed at for everything and treated like everything I did was wrong. I was also not accepted by my new school mates. I was so racked with anxiety everyday that I could never sleep and always felt like I had to puke. I really felt like there wasn't much to live for at this point but I still wasn't suicidal, just scared and more alone than ever.

The summer after I moved there I visited the place I previously lived to see a couple friends. I experienced real fun and happiness for the first time in years. I didn't want to leave. When I came back from my trip and sat down where I was living I broke down. I didn't want to be alone or scared anymore. I'm going to fast forward now.

I'm 18 now. By some miracle I graduated high school in the end. At this point I existed almost entirely on the internet. I didn't have many possessions at this point, and didn't really have my gaming stuff anymore. I had a part time job as well to help pay bills. I was living with my mom again. I found a pen pal site and that was where I, and many other troubled teens, spent most time. I was very bitter at this point and never left my room. I was deluded in many ways too. Very unstable and mentally ill.

To escape this I went out on a whim and headed north for my first REAL job. My depression intensified, but I started learning. About myself and life in general. Growing up a tad. It didn't work for me so I took some money and moved back to where I had that group of friends. At this point I wasn't in contact with them the last few years and many of them had moved to Vancouver. But I was happy to be back from the north. I was still descending into a personal hell that continued to worsen for the next couple years. Bitter and secluded as ever. I'm going to fast forward about a year.

I'm 20 now. I met a beautiful girl, we had amazing sex and all that jazz, and I started falling for her very fast. For the first time in years I had something to be proud of and care about. It turned out I was being used in a bigger picture and she never even said goodbye. I was driven almost mad by that. I was reaching my mental thresh hold at this point.

Moving on was hard but I convinced myself to do it. Later, I saw a cute, shy girl working produce at my store. I decided to ask her over. We ended up hanging out and drinking a bit, having sex, etc. I never took her that seriously. After a few months I was beginning to realize what she meant to me. But she became distant, then went missing. I never met her family and work wouldn't give me her info (against policy.) I was frantically searching for her. I could barely eat or sleep for the next 5 days. I finally tracked her down in the local psychward. She developed schizophrenia from excessive drug use.

This was right when I started realizing that everything I was going through was totally fucked and I was a lot more than just “depressed.” I started getting signed up for a psychiatrist so I could figure out what the fuck was going on and hopefully get better.

I was so relieved when I finally found her. I told her everything, how I felt and how sorry I was for not taking her more seriously, then committed myself to being by her side no matter what. 6 months I spent with her through that. As many hours a day as possible, and as many days as possible. No one understood why I was even there at first. They couldn't comprehend that a young man would sacrifice so much time and life into a sick girl, that for all intents and purposes wasn't even believed to be closely associated with him. No surprise that people just had to fuck with me during that. At one point some nurses began speculating that I was using my out of hospital visiting time to rape her while she was heavily medicated. I rarely got any support. Her useless parents were total fucking cunts to me no matter how much I did for her. But I didn't give a fuck. At this point in my life it had pretty much always been me vs. The world. And my girlfriend was all that mattered. I wasn't going to let them get in the way.

We were together a year and a half. During that time we went through a lot and I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her. She was the reason I didn't go through with the only two suicide plans I ever made. The day before my attempt, second suicide plan, I asked her if she'd be okay if I wasn't around. She asked if I was moving and I said sure. She told me she couldn't see herself living without me, and once again I put her before myself. I could not fail her.

The end of it came this summer. I shouldn't be surprised. I don't think I'll ever know what changed. No logic can be gleamed from it. She just never talked to me again. I can speculate, but where would that get me? I've done my best to move on from it.

I had a few girls' interest since then. There was one girl I haven't seen in a few months that I know now I fucked up with. It wasn't until just recently that I realized how much she really liked me an cared. I had myself so convinced that she was just getting a good time from me. And I was put off by her substance abuse. But now I'm realizing that doesn't matter, I've given up my sobriety. Drugs and alcohol are a good bang to go out on. I talked to her the other day for the first time in a couple months. Told her how sorry I was and explained briefly how messed in the head I've been getting the last few months. She was good about it and actually cared. But I know it's too late. She would have someone else by now. And one girl isn't going to fix me. I learned that lesson a few times now.

I'm nearing the end of this. I'm sitting here so seething with fucking bitterness toward this world and human race it's not even funny. Why? Why? What have I done to ALWAYS be left man out and ostracized where ever I go? To lose everything constantly? But there is no answer. This world doesn't give a fuck. The people in it care when it's convenient for them. Life's one big game of poker and I was dealt 7-deuce from the beginning. It's also a continuous game of ping pong; one where that dip shit little kid in me keeps trying to be happy and have a future - right before I'm plunged back into my bleak, pointless existence. I've really been considering if taking a less legitimate route through life is an answer to this. I don't really belong with normal folk anymore.

If I could only find it in my heart to open up to other people in a social way things might turn out, I'm not the awkward or ugly kid I once was. I get plenty of attention from girls - people in general, really. But I just can't. I can't relate to anyone, I can't care like I used to.. I just get to watch everyone I used to be friends with go off and live awesome lives. Even the people who fake having a better life are better off than me. At least they're well enough to be able to fake.

Some days I'm suicidal, but sometimes a different being takes over – a bitter, spiteful, colder one. I'm not even sure he's really me. I swear I'm losing it.. but I just don't give a fuck anymore. “It was me against the world.. and the world had it coming.”

User Comments

Have you thought about getting some form of professional help?  There are people out there who can help you, its tough but it can help.