I feel nothing but Hate

I used to have it all.  A high paid job as a manager, in a role I coasted through.  It was an ok job, that I didn't hate.  I was there 9 years. Then I was moved to a department I hated & this prompted me to move employers. 

 

I took a 1 year contract with a company that was a fucking shambles.  I moved for money & immediately regretted it.

The job was horrible, the company failed to provide the tools we needed to do our most basic job. I had to console my team daily, men & women crying over the stress of what should have just been a simple call centre job. We were abused daily and to add to the stress, staff from the old side of the business were on a mission to out us newer staff. 

I was too niave. Too trusting & too willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. I believed in kindness & honesty & this was my downfall. My assistant manager regularly shafted me to get my job. It worked. I snapped at a horrible bastard of a customer & my contract was not renewed.

 

I jumped into another role too quickly. Something similar but in a different industry. The people there were all related. They didn't know how to behave like human beings. They assaulted each other, stole customer funds & the worse thing about it was that they didn't know any better, as this was their first job for the majority of them, who were also early school leavers.

 

When I uncovered the fraud, that was when all hell broke loose. I was bullied on a daily basis to the point where I had a nervous breakdown. I was threatened on a daily basis. Abused verbally & had all my confidence stripped away from me. THey laughed & thought it was all a joke. I was 30 something years of age & humiliated that I allowed this to happen to me.

 

My relationship with my partner was put under such terrible stress. I became non communicative. Ate, played xbox & watched netflix all day every day for about 6 months. I piled on the weight. I was terrifed to leave the house except in the company of my mother or partner. I lost friends.  I didn't care.

Eventually my rainy day fund dried up. It was time to go back to work. It was a year later. I still wasn't right. I was numb to almost everything. I still am. But I looked for a job & got rejection after rejection.  I evenutally took a role in a place that was in the same industry as I was in for 9 years. I took it because it was comfortable. It appeared easy & do not appear to offer any stress.  It was half my original salary & I convinced myself that money didn't matter.

So i started. It appeared to go well at first. Then I saw behind the curtain.  It was a failing franchise. It was failing due the owner keeping on staff who don't have a clue what they are doing.  Rather than chasing down sales leads on the phone or even answering the phone, my asistantant manager paints her nails.  They come in whenever the feel like it, normally after 10.30 & leave before we close.  Again this is another place where the people that are there,  are there because it was their first job  & they've never moved on. Their training comes from courses run once every 2 - 3 years.

 

I enjoy the lack of stress from making decisions but I'm getting frustrated at being pulled into the office over petty things, like how long I take with my clients.  Every client I meet buys something from me, unlike the other person in this place.  They tried to arrange a course for me.  I got sick for a week. I couldn't go. I got text messages begging me not to let them down. I was in so much physical pain I just couldn't do it.

Today I had a phone call with my assistant manager.  She wants to meet with me tomorrow. She'll have my paycheck ready. Sounds like I'm getting fired. 

I don't care. I can't take them seriously. But that's the thing that has me crying hysterically. I'm terrified by how numb & uncaring I am towards this.  I should be afraid that I will have no income. That I will once again be a drain on my partner financially.

 

I also terrified that I'm now unemployable.  My last two (potentially 3) jobs have resulted in failure. I am a mess. I can't commit.  I'm over weight & can't pull my shit together to even go for a walk.

I cant say this to my partner as his dad is dying & I don't want to add to problems.

The only feelings I can now feel is disappointment & hatred toward myself. I don't care about a job or trying to keep in contact my friends. I just feel so low.  I can't afford proper counselling. I'm now on a waiting list for a discounted counselling session. I need to speak about this now. I need to be prepared for tomorrow.

I worried that I will tell them to go fuck themselves & over react.  But at the same time I'm terrified they'll keep me on & that I'll have to keep putting up with their sub par shit.

I'm useless. Have no career or proper feelings other than hatred and anger. I hate myself.  I hate what I've become. I hate that I hate so much.

I'm 30 + years of age & my life is in the shitter

I need help.

 

 

 

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