Trapped In My Mind

I'm a 17 year old senior in high school and I feel as though life has nothing for me. Everyday since I was ten years old I would wake up to a terrible, destroyed family, go to school to get bullied by everyone (and that includes the bullied), and come back to the same family. I've hardened myself very much over the years and I've developed a sort of shell that I keep myself in in order to protect myself from getting hurt any more. At this point, I pretty much despise people, and I know its an unfair prejudice, which is why I always give everyone a small chance to prove they're even worth my time. It's been years and all I want to do is be alone and there are only a couple of people that I actually even trust or have a decent friendship with.

None of my family members are ever considered "close" even if we live together. My parents are divorced and all they do is spew crap out of their mouths about each other all the time. Why can't they be actual adults and deal with their divorce the way they should like mature and grown adults? My sister and I don't talk much at all and if we ever do it's NEVER deep and it probably never will be. She minds her business and I mind mine. My mother took custody of us, so I don't have a father figure around here. My father lives in a really nice condo and has more than enough money to support two kids with a nice 80k salary a year, but he's very apathetic and doesn't seem to care about the existence of his children very much. My sister and I live with my mother, who is completely unemployed, always moody, and quite frankly sort of dumb. I remember trying to speak with my mother about the way I feel and she thought I was being "stupid". That was what really did it for me. I was done trying to connect with my family and I decided I would resort to myself for guidance, as there is not a soul left in this world who gives a damn about what I have to say or understands me at all. Except maybe one person.

I have this friend who I care for very, very deeply and I want to see her succeed and be happy all the time. We tell each other pretty much everything and recently her life has gotten a lot better for her. She enjoys herself, she's in a relationship, she makes money, and has good grades. She's really one of the only people I would grieve for if something ever happened to her. She means the world to me. While she's out there enjoying life, I'm trying to find ways to just figure out everything I want to know: Who am I? What's my purpose? Is life even worth living? Is there a higher power? I'm the only person I know who actually thinks about this on a daily basis and takes it seriously, so while all of my so-called "friends" go out, party, smoke, and make themselves look like complete fools, I am at home speculating on a subject that actually means something. I've always wondered why nobody around me thinks about this sort of thing the way I do and the only thing anyone ever wants to do is play around. I feel so alone, but I've figured out a lot, and in order to continue learning about life, I need to figureout myself first.

However, I am incredibly lost. I have no clue what I'm even doing with my life and everything just seems so pointless. There is almost never any sense of happiness in me and almost every day I go to school and force myself to converse with people whom I call "friends", although I'd be fine never seeing them again. Nothing brings me joy at all and almost every second of my life brings me pain and misery. What is the point of being alive if all I'm gonna do is suffer? Seems a waste to me, but I have nothing better to do so I continue living to find the answers to the questions that matter to me most. At least that'll bring me some answers.

I'm always depressed. I almost aways am and it seems like nobody can help me get out of it. One moment I could be having an okay time with people who I'm more comfortable with calling my friends but the next moment I get so depressed in the middle of it that I have to leave and go home in the middle of it. It's dreadful, and I leave them wondering what's wrong and the worst part is that I can't tell them. And that's because I can't bring myself to trust anybody at all because I'm sure that they would probably think it's not a big deal even though it is. Not even that, but I'm never in the mood to talk to anyone, so I lose friends along the away just because they think I'm an asshole. Nobody should ever judge someone else based on the way they're acting. They should judge that person based on why they act that way in the first place. 

If there's anything I really ever wanted in my life, it's love. Love is an amazing feeling, and it seems so impossible to find. I know that at my age it really is a stretch to find something like that, but at the same time, the fact that I'm so different compared to everybody else makes it harder for me to even find anything at all. I've taken an interest in relationships and although people have generally told me that I've got what it takes to be in a relationship, I have never been on a date and I've never been in a serious relationship, which is what I really want. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. I'm branded as "weird", "loner", "loser", and etc but I've heard it so much that I'm barely bothered by it anymore. The last time I cried was ages ago and I don't even think i have any feelings anymore. The way I feel about society now is a hatred of which cannot be described with words in the English dictionary.

I have seen a therapist before. It was a weird experience. As soon as I was asked what's going on in my life, I had absolutely no idea what to say. I've never really had the chance to speak about myself before, so when I heard that, I had immediately realized that I know nothing about myself or who I even am. That was the only time I saw that therapist again. All I had to do was go home and figure myself out, and to this very second I am still here crying on the inside but smiling on the outside. Plus, there's the thought that I can't tell a therapist every single thing. If I say everything about the way I feel I might look suicidal, meaning the therapist would sort of have to inform somebody else, and I don't want that. So I'm alone.

In terms of religion, I used to be a Christian. The type that would go to church every Sunday and worship "the Lord" for a few hours just to go back home and play some video games or do my homework. Now I'm not a Christian any more. I sort of consider myself agnostic since I decided to take a more logical approach to the whole religion thing, but I figured it's better to pick a side even if it's the wrong one. I ultimately came to the decision that there must be some higher power out there, but I have no idea what it is. I hope to find that power one day, although it seems unlikely.

Please don't tell me anything about my age like, "You're only 17. It gets better from here on out." It has NEVER gotten better. As a matter of fact everything becomes worse everyday and all I want to do is run away and start a completely new and different life somewhere very far away from here. My age is irrelevant. What really matters in someone's life is what they've experienced. I might only be 17 but I've seen a lot of adults who haven't gone through half the garbage I have and it honestly pains me and makes me feel like I'm the only one on this damn planet who has a functioning brain. So far I think that I have had a hard-ass life. One might say that there are people who have it a lot harder than I do, but I don't care. Just because their problems might be bigger than mine doesn't mean that my problems are irrelevant.

I've figured out that the meaning of life is whatever we want it to be as individuals, since one definition cannot be given to a whole populace. So if anyone out there is looking for the true meaning, I truly do believe with all my heart that there is no real meaning to living a life. Life is truly what you make of it, so you have to make your own definition.

Because of the way that I think and the way that I feel, I have ultimately decided that I would pursue a career in psychiatry with a major in psychology to possibly learn more about myself. There is something I'm missing and I need to find it somewhere. I don't care about the money. I don't care about the "future" I might secure for myself. This life I live so far has really only shown me that I'm alone on this whole ride, so I'm doing this for me and me only.

There's so much more I could say, but this is just a summary, really. All of this information might be a little overwhelming and honestly a bit personal as well, but right now all I wanted is for at least one person to read this and feel something. Just one is all I need. Am I completely alone on this one? It's okay if I am. I always have been...What is wrong with me? There must be something wrong.

My mind is a prison and I am its one and only prisoner, who might be serving a life sentence. Where are they keys to this cell of mine?

User Comments

hey - i read it. if you could do any subjects what would you do? what are your favourites? you are not alone, i have felt this way before and it sucks.