Mistakes

all my life I've made one mistake after another. I know a lot of people wish for the things I have yet,but I've already lost the only thing that basically kept me sane. I've always been insecure, about my height, my looks, my intelligence, and even my race. Lately it's been my health that's suffering, my gallbladder is constantly swollen and pulsing and it's uncomfortable. They don't tell you that having no pain is okay because it doesn't hurt ,but it's always there and always nagging. Some days I want to take a knife and cut it out. Same goes with my constant swollen lymphnodes. Time and time again I'm told by doctors it's not a big deal it's not a problem but it's still there. Constantly uncomfortable would be the best description of it. My insecurities and medical annoyances weren't a problem when I met my first girlfriend when I first got to college. I felt like I was something better, and she soldified that. She was one of my many firsts. I've never felt loved and loved anyone like I did with her. She was even taller than me which made me feel less insecure about my height. I met her whole family and loved them as she did with mine. I no longer felt ashamed about myself, my family or my customs. I wanted her to to feel like the most loved girl in the world, but like I always do. I fuck up. My old self comes creeping back in. You're not good enough, you're short, ugly. What does she even see in you and I've heard this question asked before and even now maybe 2 years later I still think about it. When we broke up that's when I've felt I met who I really was , because I never knew. I lost my best friend and the only person that ever made me feel like I was on top of the world. I lost all my friends when I moved off campus and now I just sit here with nothing but time to overthink. I've been sick all the time, I'm a part time student now because I've let my grades slip so much and even worse I smoke cigarettes to cope as my old high schools friends have done since I've lost all my college friends. There's times where I feel up and down especially when I'm alone. I drowned myself in Marijuana and video games last semester to cope and now I'm really trying to be better but I've dug such a hole for myself that I find it impossible to get out. From time to time I have dreams of my ex girlfriend which used to ruin my mornings but I've learned to cope with it. I often think about my future and how I'll turn out and so far it's not good. I need to get out of here. I need to free myself from my vices and addictions. Every day it's little by little but I've come to realize it's the only way to incite a long term change in myself. 

User Comments
Anon-1

Hey :) You know you need to change and that is the first step. Trying to break free from a cycle of self loathing is really difficult so don't think that you are worthless because you are struggling.

The thing I found that helped was making small achievable steps towards progress and reflecting upon my efforts and sucesses towards them. That way the negative voice in your head can't beat you up because you have tried and are making progress. Its a way of silencing the self doubt that worked for me. 

Have you spoken to anyone at college about this? Like a counsellor or something? Talking to someone impartial and allowing yourself to express how you feel really can help with the self doubt and validate your thoughts. I wish you all the best in the future.