You can write about anything that is important to you – your whole life, personal trauma or events that have affected you in the past.Share Your Story
Hello. As the title suggests, my name is Cory, and I have an interesting life story to tell. This is sure to be quite long winded, so be weary of the fact. And before I begin, this is not a sob story nor a stunt for attention and swear to the story's authenticity (Pic proof can be available somehow) and just want to share my story. I am currently 18, and writing this at 1:19 am on the couch I call a bed with my friend and roommate across the room from me.
I guess i'll start from the more significant points in my childhood, which was my parents divorce. When I was 8, I was forced to no longer have a childhood, but instead understand reality and how some things just aren't fair when my father walked up to me before school one day and said, "Son, I;m leaving for a while. I love you." and he left that very moment. being only 8 and not understanding, I cried, of course, as any child should. Little did I know that everything would change thereafter. Prior to this I was already losing my innocent ways as I watched as my parents cars were repossessed because my father's business was suffering. I remember screaming at the repo-men, not knowing it wasn't their fault nor responsibility nor choice, simply a job. When my father left, we also lost our house not long after.
My older sister moved in with her boyfriend (She was 17 at the time, I think) and my Mom, brother (then 14, making me the youngest at 8) moved into a hotel not far from where we lived. It was a cramped space, but it made due for the rest of the school year. I didn't have to worry about friends knowing where I lived, because I didn't really have any. My best friend however, knew of my situation, of course he didn't care, though, and saw it as a plus because I had a pool! Now, when I said my parents cars got taken away, I forgot to mention we still had 1 really old van that my mom got to keep because we had it payed off already.
I remember one night, my mom and I just got dinner at Burger King when we got into a car accident with a police officer who had pulled out in front of us. thank God he was found at fault, or we would have been screwed.
Fast forward maybe a month or so and we find my mom an I in the parking lot of some store or another, I don't remember what we were doing. My mom was crying, and said she wanted to give up. Right in front of me! I was so...angry and scared and so many things for an 8 year old child! Why did I have to go through this? Nothing felt real! But, I didnt what my instinct told me to do and just said, "Sorry, no. You don't get to. That's not an option. Now stop crying mommy, it'll be okay." Maybe my words worked, maybe not, but we kept on going.
Fast forward to he end of school, and I must say goodbye to all my friends (which again, was just a very close few) as I packed my things and my life into that old green van as my brother, mom and our Rottweiler, Toby (Sidenote, he was the sweetest dog I;d ever met. Complete meathead, but cute and loving. It's all in the owner, he'd never bitten anyone, not even me when we played) and we drove to Florida. My mom, after the divorce went through, wanted to go to Florida to be with her brother and his wife and kids, my cousins.
I'd known them before as sometimes we'd go on vacation there when money wasn't so tight, but the whole state, hell, the world even felt so foreign to me as I look though my now 9 (or 10, the timeline is a bit fuzzy, cut me some slack, it was over 10 years ago) year old, jaded eyes. Nothing would ever be the same, and I damn well knew it.
When school started, I was in the 6th grade, I was alone and scared at Arlington Middle School (I'd only been in one before 3rd grade, otherwise, I'd always been in a charter school from grade 2 onward.) On the first day of school, I remember being assigned a classroom to go to, and found other students lined up against the wall on the outside of the class as we waited for the other tardy students. I found myself between two groups of people who had perhaps known eachother, maybe not, but were talking regardless, and there was an awkward spot between the two packs, and so I leaned against the wall and waited. Just then a friendly kid named Westley, or Wes as I'd come to know him, introduced himself to me with a smile and a handshake. He'd always make a point to pronounce the 't' in his name, never knew why. Little did I know meeting Wes and his identical twin brother Zach, and their little sister (by 1 year) Madison, would change my entire life.
Wes, Zach and I all became fast friends because we had one thing in common: We were all rather, outcasts. We were all pretty scronny, and I hadn't hit my growth spurt yet so I wasn't the confident 5'11 I am now. You see where this is going. I got picked on from time to time but there was not much I could do. I dealt with it. However, I became extremely depressed, given all my current circumstances.
My brother attended the local highschool, and having been 15/16 at the time, he had a different way of dealing with his problems, which was anger. I don't know the exact logistics of what happened, however I remember the outcome. My mother, brother and I were sitting on the front patio of our house when a car pulled up in front. My brother seemed to know exactly what was going on. Two (admittedly large) African American teens got out of the car, one stood by the car while the other addressed my brother, who was now approaching them. A gun could clearly be seen on the former. I dont know what or why that happened, I just remember my mom, without taking her eyes off the teens, told me to rush inside. A few short weeks later, horrid panic attacks struck my brother, so he moved back to Massachusetts with my Dad. So All that remained in Florida was myself and my mother and our dog Toby.
We got kicked out of the house we had, because the landlord wanted his house back. That was it, we were good tenants, he just decided he wanted to live there now, even though he had his own home. So we moved just down the main road into another neighborhood. However, it was not long before the move that my dog Toby got a terrible leg tumor, and we had to put him down because he couldn't even walk anymore. So it was just me and my mom again. But We got 2 cats and a puppy, so I was a little less lonely.
It was around this time I spent a lot of time with Madison (remember her? Zach and Wes' sister) and her boyfriend ( i know 'lol, bf and gf at 13 lol' but hey, we were all kids, and it all felt real to us) Seth (who would come to be one of my closest friends, even today.) We would all go for walks in what we called 'The Creek." It was really just a long path through the woods that connected two distant neighborhoods with some sewer pipes beneath us. Seth and I, at the time, were friendly enough, but we both knew what was happening. We were both competing for Madison's affection and attention. (Seth, If you end up reading this far, lol sorry buddy) It was something about her...mystique that called us to her. She would go back and forth between us and I believe we hated eachother (Seth and I) for it. We wanted a clear winner, but Madison was the only winner in this game.
One night, (at this point, Madison was my 'girlfriend' but Seth, her and I still hung out) Seth got a phone call from his father (whom had also divorced his mother. Side note: Seth and I were alike in that sense. Both alone and feeling hollow. I feel like thats why we still hung around eachother and boy im glad we did. The kid has literally saved my life ((or me from taking my own life) once before. It was nice to not feel so alone, because I had him, someone who understood.) Anyway, Seth's call from his father concerned Seth's grandfather who had just passed away. I'd never seen him cry before, and still have yet to ever see him cry since. But for that short time, he did, and we comforted him. We all went back to my house and we spent the night there. ( it was the day before Christmas eve, by the way, just for a time context.) Staying at my house co-ed was not unnormal, as our parents all knew we were just 13, not much would happen. Long story short, I found Madison and Seth kissing in the room we were in when I had come back from doing whatever I was doing, and I screamed. I was heartbroken. 10 Months Madison and I had been together and what I thought faithful, went down the drain. It was 4 am at this point, so I could do anything but go sit outside until the sun came up as I cried.
Fast forward to a point that undoubtedly changed my life for the worse. 7th grade, end of the year, but still a few weeks, maybe a month to go. I had just eaten lunch alone (because of what happened with Seth and Madison, I was alone again, as Wes and Zach took their side because Seth was easily more popular than me) and the food was a bit off tasting, but I couldnt distinguish what was wrong until a close inspection of the bun showed purple mold growing on the underside, and I'd at damn near the whole thing. Carry on to math class, my stomach was upset, and for good reason. I lay my head down on the desk and drift off to sleep with pains constantly. Long story short, I ended up shitting my pants slightly in my sleep (that escalated quickly) and was wearing brand new, bright khaki shorts so the world could see. I'd never been harassed so bad in my entire life, and because of this, I was never the same.
I never went back to that school. Not once. I begged, and pleaded with my mom, straight refused when it came down to it. I developed severe anxiety problems, and would have panic attacks constantly in public. Albeit they were small, they were constant and enough to keep me indoors. 8th Grade was not very interesting as I did this weird phone school kind of thing where I called into a conference call with a teacher and a few other students. It sucked, lets leave it at that.
9th Grade rolled around, and I REFUSED to go to the public highschool! My mom didn't want me going either because of the incident with my brother, so I attended a private school which we could barely afford. I had some street-cred there already so to speak because my cousins went there and were wildly popular because of their good looks, tan skin and muscles and that natural charm that everyone loved. I still had issues here, but made fast friends with the computer sciences teacher, who was the principal's son, and we'd hang out in the computer lab, our domain if you will, all day. He was like me when he was my age, a video game addicted introvert, so he understood my problems. I'd get all my work for the day and head in there and do it and then just play games all day. Like this I got decent grades as, honestly, im quite intelligent (even if my punctuation doesn't suggest so) I just could'nt be in public. My attendance however, was abysmal. I would literally miss weeks at a time because I would be up all night and couldnt sleep because I was all alone in my house.
My mom worked overnight shifts at her job, so from 5 in the evening until 8 the next morning, I was alone, and I couldnt stand it. I was 15 at the time ( Sorry about not keeping up with ages and times) but still, was not ready to be constantly alone as I was. Because of this, I missed a lot of school as I would sleep most of the day away, and technically did not pass the 9th grade. The principal, however, put me in 10th grade classes the next year and said I'd have lots of make up work to do, to which I happily obliged (however I knew i was lying, I couldn't do it.) This was the worst year of my life, easily. I missed almost 4 months of school, with the exception a day or two here or there, but NEVER consistent. This only made the teasing and outcast-ness worse. At this point, Seth and I were FAR over the whole Madison thing, decided whatever, and he became the only person who would come over my house.
Together in my large room, (I got the master bedroom so my TV and Xbox didnt clutter the livingroom, so I had to keep all my stuff in there) he'd bring his Xbox and TV, we'd get a pack of MTN Dew, and game all night, and it would be the only time I felt okay in my own skin. It was at this point that video games became a dominant force in my life. I loved them. I could hide behind my gamertag and, sure enough, I was awesome at the games I played! I played Halo 3 and CoD 4 at the time, and would play with all the friends I moved away from, and I felt at home again.
Fast forward a bit to when Im 16, and Im on my way to Massachusetts. I'll explain, my best friend (remember the one who didn't care I lived in a hotel back in 3rd grade?) and I would switch off, every summer, either I'd go to his house in Mass for a month or he'd come to mine in Florida. Well, this time, I was going to Mass. to be with him and his African American Family of 11 (2 parents, 9 kids) in their small house for a month. However, a month turned into a long year and a half. Lets get into that story now.
Before I went to Mass, I was on a walk one morning and had taken a selfie and posted it to facebook, no big deal, right? This cute girl who I met in 3rd grade had commented "Well hello, handsome! miss you, Cory!" I felt great! no one ever talked to me like that, and hell, she was pretty still! So I messaged her and we talked, and we talked all the time. Constantly. And I quickly became infatuated with her, as she did with me. The problem was, however, she lived in Mass. But all the luck would have it, I was going there, and we could be together for a while!
So my parting words to my mother were "C'mon mom, don't cry! it's just a month. I'll see you soon." and I left. I soon landed in MA and was with my old buddies again. No one had changed a bit. And I saw the girl there, too, and we fell in love. Or, so it had seemed. I talked it over with my best friend and his parents and my mother, and If I could get back into the charter school I was in when I was in 3rd grade (It was a K-12 school) I could stay and finish my Junior year. My mom agreed, however she never thought I'd get in. Part of this deal was so I could be with the girl, too. But I also really wanted to get back into the school to be with all my friends who had stayed thoughout the years. As fate would have it, ONE space was open in the Junior class, and I got it.
Shortly after, the girl left me with a text message when I awoke one morning.
I was enraged. I left EVERYTHING in Florida to be with her, and I felt so, so...even typing this im growing more and more angry trying to find the words to describe how I felt. Call me bitter, but its the truth.
As screwed as I was, I felt abandoned and home sick, and a void was inside me. A void only the constant affection of girls could fill. Lady Luck (or good genetics and puberty) would have it, I matured quite handsome, tall and athletic.
So at this point im 17, in Highschool back in Mass. tall, handsome, athletic, but still a bit quirky and shy. I was with my best friends again, and all felt right. I was able to mingle with everyone with ease as I had met ( or re-met )them all over Xbox LIVE. I didn't have as many panic attacks as I used to, but they still happened. I was lonely sometimes, but I lived with my best friend, and that was pretty cool. However I did leave Seth in Florida, which really sucks because we still talk everyday but I miss the hell out of the kid.
So a few months go by, a few girls affection to fill the void of not feeling like I had a family and minimal friends, and lastly but not least 'the girl' leaving me. When I start dating a special girl named Katie, whom I am still with today ( 1 and a half years in 2 weeks!). When we started dating not many people liked it, as people knew she was friends with one of my exes. Call me a douchebag, but hey, I know im a nice person, I've made shitty choices, and dating Katie's friend was one of them, because I know I hurt someone special. But, that heart wants what the heart wants, and so it is what it is. Katie and I fell madly in love quickly, and it was (and is ) real, this time.
On the other hand of MA life, the homelife at my best friend's was pretty rough. His father had been out of work for a long time, and this angered him. Most of the time, mind you, he was well tempered, and honestly a blast to be around! He absolutely loved his kids and even loved me as one of his own, and for this i am indebted to him and his wife. I didn't know when I first moved in that he was so fed up with everything. Sometimes he'd yell and for seemingly no reason, and his overall tone was low, and tired. I can't blame him, I mean fuck, he has 9 kids. well, 8 and 1 grandson who he takes care of. I'd be dead tired too. As I mentioned, most of the time he was great! It was just sometimes he'd yell about a mess or something here or there, and I was always kind of on edge. Growing up without a father figure and then suddenly having one, and one like this, kept me on edge all the time. I always felt like whenever he yelled, whatever the subject, I was to blame. I thought I added SO much stress that he too was on edge all the time. Though he raised his voice, however, he NEVER hit his kids, never a smack or a push at all, I cant stress that enough. The raised voice was just so distant from my mothers calm tones and ways of dealing with things that I'd been around for 6 years that I couldnt comprehend it almost, and felt very uneasy for a while.
This went on for about a year before he called all us older children into his room for a 'talk'. A this point, I was treated as one of his own children, so I had to be there for this.
It apparently happened once a year, where he called all of us into a room and would say he was leaving.
It was a huge screaming match between my best friend and him, and he told us all we didn't do anything to help around the house at all. This was partially true, but I still made an effort to clean up messes here and there, and all the older kids pitched in so im not being a martyr here, its just hard to keep track of so many little kids.
This was the first time I'd EVER seen him cry, and I've known him for almost 11 years now, and thats still the only time ive seen him cry.
This was the second time in my life that I felt like I tore a family apart.
He never ended up leaving, but the shock stayed with me forever, and I still feel the agony I felt in my chest that day whenever I look back on it. 5 months or so later and I couldnt take it anymore. I found myself constantly cleaning toy, picking up floors, any mess I could find to make it so he wouldnt yell. Whenever he'd raise his voice I just wanted to cry, myself. I felt so ashamed of my life for unknown reasons, and I never felt good enough, and desperately wanted a "good job." or something. anything to show I wasnt hated.
But enough came to be enough, and I couldnt cope, and so I found another friend to stay with. The guy I lived with and I are still best friends and I visit from time to time with no hard feelings.
I live just down the street from the school (which I recently graduated from) with a friend who is going to be a senior this upcoming year. He's like me. (Side Note: He's 'the girls' cousin. lol, small world.) A video game playing, introvert. He never talks to me about his problems and I dont ask, But i feel his pain, and it kills me, because he's just like me and he doesnt even know JUST HOW ALIKE we really are, I wish he knew I share his pain.
It'sthe same situation now as it was at my best friends Constantly feeling inadequate and the source of stress.
Here, I sleep on a couch (that kills my back(, as I have for 6 months. Even now it hurts.
Right now, im typing this, about to go to sleep before Katie;s mom picks me up, and drives me into a meeting at Wheelock college to see if I can afford going there ( I know I cant, and I dont know what ill do, its more or less a formality.) So I'll get about 5 hours of sleep, maybe.
I also don't know how much longer i'll be able to live here, as I cant pay my rent any more.
Life thus far has been very difficult, and suicide and the idea of leaving it all behind is not uncommon, However, I press on and am thankful that my bad life is not so bad as others.
If you stuck around this long, you deserve a medal. Thank you for reading my life story. I felt that I needed some sort of, recollection. some sort of proof I existed. Something that recorded my pain. My happiness, and all in between.
Maybe it changed you, probably not. But hey, I can hope.
Feel free to Ask me Anything, I'll be sure to answer!
Cory, Lonely 18 year old, struggling to make his way in this world. Goodbye.
You can write about anything that is important to you – your whole life, personal trauma or events that have affected you in the past.Share Your Story
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