Trying To Let Go

I wish I could let go of a relationship that has ended. It's not what I wanted and there has been no closure on the matter. It stinks. I'm not happy, I'm numb. My mind is moving faster than the speed of light and it's going around and around the same damn thing. Our relationship and what is real vs what was a lie.

I live with bipolar disorder and some days are more difficult than others. I was diagnosed about 12 years ago after being assaulted by a man and a woman. I've always known there was something wrong with me, but I could never put a finger on it. I also never wanted to talk about it. I didn't know how and I was ashamed there was something wrong with me, but didn't know what it was or why. I was a mess. My father sexually abused me for years and although I kept it to myself and hid it well, it only made me more manic. I was sad when I was alone, but really I felt alone most of the time. I have PTSD from being sexually assaulted. There are many triggers that effect my ability to function and most of the time it's debilitating. Smells, different sounds and sometimes even a tough can send me spiraling out of control. I hate it. I also have ADHA and OCD...when I went to see my psychiatrist and she told me I was depressed and manic along with the other things I mentioned I told her I really just wanted to be normal. She asked me if I took my meds and if I was still working with my therapist. I told her yes and she told me I'm normal. Lol!! I'm tired of having all these different things wrong with me. I do have a positive outlook on life and I'm everyone's biggest cheerleader. I give way more than I will ever receive. I guess I do that because I feel if I share my love, maybe someone will see the importance of it and return it.

I met a man who is also bipolar and we hit it off right away. I was very upfront with him and let him know I was bipolar pretty quickly. I didn't want him to find out later and think I was trying to hide something from him or lying to him. That's when I found out he too is bipolar. He's a very smart man. He's been through a lot and has suffered through many terrible ordeals. He has come through them with success because he has strength beyond his knowledge. He has set out to help others who suffer from depression, anxiety, bullying, stigma and many other mental illness issues. In my eyes he is amazing. He is a pillar of strength and his story is a ray of hope for others who suffer from mental illness.

We started spending time together learning about one another and sharing our story with each other. I could see the amazing man he is and my wish was that he could see himself through my eyes. If he could he would know no bounds to his potential. There were times that he would get upset and his mood would turn on a dime. One time in the beginning of our relationship a friend sent me a text message and he thought I was talking to him or cheating on him. He didn't tell me what was bothering him until he was beyond upset. I tried to explain that the guy who had text me was just a friend and it was no big deal, but he was so angry. I tried to reason with him, but he couldn't hear me. He wanted me to take him home. It was around 11pm and his place is an hour and a half away from mine. So it would have taken 3 hours to take him and get myself home. I was so hurt he thought this of me and I felt myself slipping away. I wound up on the floor crying out of control and begging someone to help me. After about 15 minutes he finally came in to get me. When he did he jerked me up with no compassion. I asked him to get my anxiety medicine so I could calm down. He told me he couldn't decide if I was doing this for attention or if I was in real crisis. Why would I do anything like that for attention? The hurt I was feeling was so intense and my response to it was real. I told him there was no way I could take him home in the sate I was in and told him he'd have to wait until the morning. The next morning he apologized to me and told me he was difficult and for me to be patient with him. He had given up on having any kind of relationship with anyone until he met me. Throughout our relationship I was supportive, encouraging and patient. I gave him room when he asked for it and took care of him when he couldn't. There was a time when he felt himself slipping and he was concerned he would end up in the hospital, so I told him to come and stay with me for as long as he needed. That way he would have support and love to carry him through his difficult time. While I was at work my momma stayed with him and embraced him with her love. She has a lot to share. I made sure he got in to see my psychiatrist to give him some help. Through that visit we learned he was way under medicated and she put him on the correct dosage of medication. I was so happy there was a reason he felt like he was slipping. You not only have to walk the walk, but you have to make sure your meds are doing what they are supposed to do.

I'm not saying I was a saint, because I most definitely was not. I asked him if he wanted some weed because I had bought my aunt some and I told him about it. I don't like lies, so I was honest with him. He said yes and we had fun when we did it. For me it was a recreational thing, kind of like drinking. I don't drink alone, never have and I don't smoke alone either. I wasn't doing it to avoid anything in my life, I was doing it with him because it was fun. He would smoke without me and he was fine with that. I didn't agree with it, but who was I to judge? We also had a pretty good argument and I felt myself slipping away again, but this time it was way worse. I attempted suicide and he had to save me from doing irrevocable damage to myself. It wasn't pretty at all and I was past being a total wreck. I did this on his birthday and I feel as awful as anyone could ever feel.

We finally got past much of this, although we were still smoking from time to time. We spent the holidays together and they were amazing! I thought things were really going well and we were finally moving in a positive forward motion together. We shared some of our fantasies with each other and our dreams. More his because I'm not as ambitious as him and my dream was to feel his love. He told me he loved me and I believed him. I felt like I was never good enough for him, but dismissed it because I always feel that way. I never feel like I'm good enough. We had another argument one night and the next morning he told me he had enough of the drugs, that I was wrong for bringing them and I should have told him to grow up and not bring them. He told me to leave that morning and I did. That was the end of our relationship.

A few days after we broke up I received an instant message from some girl I didn't know. She shared text messages between the two of them with me. He was messaging her while he was with me. They were messages about sex and sexual photos and quotes. He would text her while I was laying next to me and telling me how much he loved me. He was texting her all through the holidays and pretending to love me and my family who welcomed him with open loving arms and hearts. He sent her some of the exact messages he sent me. I couldn't believe what this girl was telling me. I was at a loss. I never thought he would be capable of hurting me in such an awful way. I had proof right in front of my eyes. When I confronted him he was rattled. I think it was because he got caught. He finally apologized to me and told me he had messed up his life and his friends told him if he didn't get some help they wouldn't talk to him in the future. He doesn't have any family and my heart aches for him.

I guess I could very well be the most stupid person alive. Not only did I not see what was happening before my very own eyes, but now I'm sending him motivational quotes to encourage his efforts to better his life. I miss him. I miss his presence in my life. I worked so hard for us. I gave him every bit of my love, trust, heart and soul. I felt and still feel more guilt about having brought so much pain into his life and blame myself for the failure of our relationship. I want him to be successful. I want him to be healthy and feel strength I couldn't give him. I wasn't enough to help him with the strength he needed. I wasn't good enough and this was proof of it.

My mind races and struggles with memories we shared together and the love I feel for him. I know holding on to him isn't healthy, but I still have hopes we could work things out. All of this has had a serious impact on my own mental health, so I've been seeing my therapist every day and am working on feeling better about myself. I loath myself for all I have done and all I have failed to do. I'm so insecure and always have been. I try my best to get past it, and some days I'm pretty good at it while others I'm a complete failure. Up down, up down.

Why do I still love him? Why do I want to encourage him to stay the path to find stability within himself? He doesn't seek me out. I'm the one. He has told me his friends told him he needed to steer clear of me and for the life of me I can't understand why. I have never done anything to hurt him, so I can only put two and two together and realize he has made me out to be some kind of monster. He has made me out to be a drug addict stalker. I am neither of the two. I summarized this because in one of the text messages he sent that girl he said as much if not verbatim. He called me a drug addict and that girl told me not to feel bad about that, because he was the one who had a problem with drugs. As a matter of fact he sent her a message that he knew he was being a hypocrite, but he wanted some drugs. That he really needed them.

I think people are imperfect and know we all make mistakes. I'm not the type of person to hold things against others and forgive easily. I know deep down he's a good man, he just made a mistake and although I don't believe he has asked for me to forgive him, I have done it anyway. I want him to have happiness. I've got to learn how to let this go and open my eyes. I've got to stop trying so hard to gain his love and respect. I don't know why it means so much to me. I don't know why I want with all my heart for him to love and accept me in his life. I miss him and want so much to be a part of his success, his ups and down and his life. Why can't I just give up on him? I guess because I wouldn't want someone to give up on me. I'm one messed up person and I know this to be true about myself. I'm such a loser.

I hope I haven't been a pain for going on and on about my stupid life, but I do feel a bit better about writing it down. I pray there are stronger people than myself out there and don't beat themselves up like I do. I just have to keep moving down my path to find my own happiness.

 

User Comments
Anon-1

Hey :) You have been through some really awful things and you shouuld realise how strong you are. I don't think I would be able to deal with all that and still be functioning so you need to stop being so hard on yourself.

Although you may believe he is a good person deep down, that doesn't mean that he or the relationship is the right thing for you. Keep working with your therapist and please don't be so hard on yourself, you are worth more than that. Hope you feel better soon.