Depression is my prison

Everyday is the same. Wake up, eat once and spend the rest of the day watching TV and surfing reddit on my phone. I don't have anyone to hang out or talk to. I miss having sex, it's been years since I've had it. I'm overweight. For years I've known the steps that I need to take to become a better person but, I don't take them. I know I need therapy but, I don't go. these past couple of days, I haven't felt the sadness of depression, yet I feel like the logical conclusion to my life is to kill myself. I haven't seriously tried before because I don't want to cause my family grief but that reason is starting to lose it's hold on me. I hold the power to turn things around, but depression is deep within my now, it's behind the curtain running the show. I feel like I should've ended things years ago, like, that would've been the perfect end, and everything that has come after that point is just me overstaying my welcome. I'm wrong, yet some part of me thinks thats how it was meant to be. I used to be somewhat smart, but right now, i've wasted so much time that I think I lost it. I can't be in this room anymore, it's my prison. I need to move out on my own and become independent, but how do i do that if i don't do anything, if I don't have a job? I'm so awkward to be around, so unpleasant to look at, all because I was lazy and made poor choices. I should've gotten help when I had the chance and then all of this could've been avoided. I could've been in school, living in my own apartment, with a group of friends and a girlfriend. But I guess there's no used focusing on what could've been. there's no point wondering where I went wrong, or whatever. What I need to do, is get the help I need, work out, get a job, teach myself some things and eventually I'll progress to that point where I already should've been a couple years ago. Is it too late? people from high school are going to be graduating college soon. what do i have to show for these last four years? Thats an easy answer: nothing. I'm really stuck. I'm paralyzed. Should I kill myself or should I start taking the steps necessary to correcting my mistakes and my inaction? I really don't know. I've been stuck betwen these two choices for years. I'm leaning towards ending it. my fam would be hurt, but they'd move on eventually. would they? probably not. but I wouldn't be around to witness is. it sounds selfish but I just don't think I was ever meant to exist in this form or to live this life for this long. But me selfishly killing myself would make sense. Afterall, i've hurt and taken advantage of a lot of people for my benefit. what one more selfish action?

User Comments

I think you really need to consider going to a therapist, you said near the top that you know you need therapy - is there somewhere nearby you could go to? Getting help is daunting but it will be the best thing you can do to help yourself.