When you lose your will to live, you've got to gain it back.

What have you lost? That rare Pokémon card from the good 'ol days? A chance to date that cute girl when you went to middle school? Time that should've been spent on that college essay that's due tomorrow? What about your will to live?

Losing the mentality to want to stay alive is no joke. It's actually a challenge that can only be succeeded by making progress and not giving up. 

I had an epiphany about nine months ago, when I'd come to realize my life was no longer worth it. I'd held back from crying in the middle of a college class because I thought so much about how wrong my life was going and how much it wasn't worth living through. When I got home, I called my girlfriend and I told her that my brain was 'poisoned' today, and that I'd lost my will to live.

I couldn't sleep that night. I wondered what was wrong with me. The days passed and I thought more and more about it. It became an intergral part of my life, and I let it. I would think so much about it every single day, and I was getting worse. I would talk less, eat less, and my motivation was depleting. I'd given up. Sometimes I would wish I was more depressed so I'd be more willing to end my life. 

I let these thoughts beat me down and change who I was. I felt like a zombie sometimes, emotionless and worthless. I hit a hit a point where I felt normal when I felt depressed. This point in time was about a month ago. 

This whole situation was just too overwhelming; I'd given in and told my closest friends what was wrong. They helped as much as they could, and it felt good getting it off my chest. Even after telling them, I was still as depressed as I was before.

One day, I decide I need to go burn energy instead of wasting my days away dwelling in my bed. It's one in the morning, but I really don't mind. I tell myself as I bike that things will get better, that I can fix myself, and that I'm no quitter. This night helped a lot, because for once, I tried.

Two nights later, I get a visit from my three closest friends. They walk in my room and they have an intervention for me. They talked and talked about how important I am and how big of a mistake it would be if I committed suicide. We all at one point cried, making the most emotional night of my life. I thanked them for everything. 

Two weeks later, I'm doing much better. Some days are still depressing, but I no longer have suicide as a choice. Just thinking about how polluted my brain was with those thoughts worries me, but I can't spend the rest of my life worrying how I was and how much time was spent on wishing I didn't exist. Instead I learn from such a mistake and I move on with my life. Life is still hard, but I know I'll get better. Having faith in myself is an amazing feeling. 

"Thoughts become things." That's a quote one of my friends told me. If I kept letting those god awful thoughts consume me, I would've given up. I reccomend you remember that quote, it's one of the many things that keep me motivated nowadays. I feel like a different person after being so used to being depressed daily. 

If I learned anything from this, it's that life is hard, but so worth it. You have to keep your mental state well, and never give up. Your life is so valuable; cherish it and make a masterpiece of your life. When you're given the gift of life, your job is to take advantage. Be a good friend and help those who need help, and get help when necessary. If you don't already, learn to love and care for yourself. Each and every day counts. Never give up.

User Comments

I'm so glad that you've got friends who care enough to stick their heads out for you. You deserve that. Life is worth it--a realization that took me for freakin' ever to reach, seriously. I almost typed "you have no idea," out of habit, there... but you very well might. Keep giving and getting help as you're able, or as you need... and know that there are folks out there who've no idea who you are, but they're keeping you in their thoughts :)

Anon-2 I second your emotion. I've been struggling with the same bad thoughts and I'd just wish my friends are as supportive and loving as yours. Anyway, thank you for sharing !
Anon-3 So basically we suck it up and move on. Life is worth it? Sounds great unless you have absolutely nothing to look forward too. I'm hungry but nothing taste good. I'm tired but can't sleep. 100 people could show up at my door and tell me how special I am, blah blah blah. Everything I do is just to pass the time. Yeah life is worth it. What ever "it" is. I know I'm sick and broken. It would be nice if I were just to stupid to realize how much "it" sucks.
Anon-4 I stopped crying in 2014 and lost my will to live in 2015. Everything is a blur now, I'm not angry or sad. But I'm also not happy. I'm an emotionless wreck. But at the same time, I'm emotional. I cry myself to sleep everynight.
Anon-5 I agree with number 3. I have a family that love's me and cainr shake the suicidal thoughts and feel like a giant failure everyday
Anon-6 I feel similar. I have 5 kids at home. The oldest is 15. People depend on me. I feel trapped. I so want my life to be over, but I know suicide will have extreme and negative effects. I don't have friends. I can't confide in my spouse. She has put up with me for so long, this would be bad. I have failed and don't want to try again. What do I do?
Anon-7 I'm right there with Anon-6. Only I have a 2 yo daughter. I have an obsessive personality and latch onto things, shows, books and people and become too much for them. Then I inevitably push them away or distance myself rather than face the coming rejection. Life is utterly meaningless and I feel like I'm too small and weak to do anything. Yet I have a family and friends that depend on me and I feel trapped by a terrible job and a spouse who seems to get more and more distant. We're both under huge amounts of stress and have basically used up any help that could come. I recognize the anxiety problems I have that I got from my mom, and even my meds aren't really helping. I don't want to die so much as to never have existed. What's the point? Now there are so many political and social and racial, etc divides in America that I'm too afraid to do or say anything lest I get labeled and hated for making a misstep. I fall for people and try to mask it with intense friendship that of course becomes weird or pushes them away. My dad cheated on my mom and I've always told myself I would never, but it's like I'm just looking for some sort of acceptance or to feel good.
Anon-8 Suicide seems extreme, not to mention the Hell it would put people through. But I so want my life to be over. I have a 2yo that I would literally die for, and tbh, I wouldn't mind at all going that way. It'd be an accident, and I'd be a hero in her eyes, vs a coward if I were to self destruct. I'm only 37, but it feels like I've done and seen everything that nterests me, so now I get reruns til I die. Not exactly thrilled by that thought. Life just seems pointless as all shit. Even my blood is turning against me. I just want out, and quite frankly, just waiting for my body to give up, because I already have. End rant.
Anon-9 this didn't help. I wish I could take my life right now. in school. in front of everyone.
Anon-10 4 years of depression and here comes the fifth. The only thing that keeps me breathing is my old grandma, who I don't want to leave alone. I got an old bike a year and half ago
Anon-11 I just learned I had 2 silent heart attacks, my congestive heart failure has came back and although I have never smoked, drunk alcohol or did drugs I have liver cirrhosis due to years of diabetes. My husband and I could never have children and our parents have passed. We are living in a new state and I have no friends or family. I am so lonely because of the holidays. If I was well I would go to a homeless mission to help or if we had money I would buy gloves and socks and wrap them up for them. My dreams did not come true, but if I can be kind to anyone my time on earth will not be wasted. I can’t go by how I FEEL. I God created me, loves me and has a purpose for me. After reading this I have decided to change my depressed attitude and walk by faith and not by sight. Although this earth is not my home, as I’m travelling through I will try to focus on others instead of myself. Thank you for letting me share
Anon-12 I feel exactly the same right now. You're lucky you got close friends. I don't. I keep surfing the net looking for things like this because I don't know what to do anymore and it's the first time I feel this way. I don't want to kill myself but I don't have the will to live not even the passion a normal person should have. I'm 19 by the way. Please tell me more about this. I need it.
Anon-13 its just that empty achy feeling. not so much that something is wrong, its more of every thing has lost its appeal. Food, friends, family, goals, hopes, dreams, hobbies, etc. all I wanna do us sleep. because its the only thing that comforts me. it really sucks. I don't want to be here anymore.