Learning how to live to die

Hello. I came here to share my story as suggested via a reddit message. I've suffered from depression and anxiety from the age of six, for eleven years, and later developed schizophrenia, OCD & a psychotic disorder (which i don't know the name of nor understand). I also have malformed muscles so my back, arms, hands and legs don't work and i can only walk short distances, with the aid of a walking stick. My quality of life has been appalling for this time period and it put me back into my suicidal state. In my past I've made five attempts on my life from the age of nine, resulting in several hospital stays, three therapists and countless doctors. Due to my age, no mental health unit will take me (transition age is appaling care wise), so I've been left to handle this alone. I'm a very introverted person these days, after losing five people to suicide, including my girlfriend, it feels suicide is tied into my life and feels utterly inescapable. People always just said that thinking positive would make it better but i can't think my way out of a thought impeding illness, so it just made me feel useless, worthless and pathetic. Needless to say my self esteem is awful and i honestly don't feel like there's any purpose in living. Due to my conditions i dropped out of college, which has just made me feel worse about my future and I honestly feel unloved, unwanted and unneeded - let's be honest, who would want a guy who doesn't want himself? 

Ever since i woke up in hospital aged nine, from a failed suicide attempt I've felt there's something broken inside of me and to this day i don't know how to fix it - i just attribute it to depression. Depression is an illness of the mind. Since the mind is infinite in potential, i figure any illness affecting it is as equally infinite, even if things will go on - we can hear a tree crash in the forest but we can't hear the forest grow. I just try to exist, which is a very hard thing to do it seems, by eating what I can and sleeping once every few days. The nights are the worst, because the stars just remind me that I'm going to crash and burn one day soon, just like everyone I have ever loved. I am lost and alone in a world that wants me to do this on my own; and i don't know how to bury the hatchet in any of this when it always ends up in my back. 

The worst of it is this psychotic disorder. It makes me feel like I'm living in two different realities. This one, where i am always low, and one which explains the lows, where evil creatures torture me to the brink of dying every day. It's agonising and heart breaking, but i try to push through it anyway in hopes that things will improve because my definition of love, is being stabbed nine times in a row and hoping there's something about the tenth that makes it worthwhile. I grew up heavily abused and I'm lead to believe, drugged, based on evidence we found a while ago. As a result i have major trust issues and severe memory issues but really hope someone will one day care for, and love me, anyway. 

It's a very painful longing to exist for since it won't happen. After my girlfriend's suicide i eventually got into another relationship, only to be emotionally, physically and mentally abused by her, which really has broken what little pieces i had left of myself. Learning is just the brain's neural pathways being beaten into a new shape by life. When a gentle hand crushes your heart, something clicks in your head and you KNOW, nobody will ever love you again. I hate talking about it because everyone asks about my problems, but never about what colour the eyes were which broke me. They were blue. Pale blue. Like a 4 am ocean. But nobody ever asks.

For anyone feeling suicidal, it's not my place to stop you, but i beg of you, be a semi colon and not a full stop. A semi colon is where you could end a sentence; but instead you chose to continue. My life is a pile of trash and I'll never be loved and I'll likely end up homeless but i always continue in hopes of it being okay one day. I just want to experience a smile before i go. I hope you do too.

User Comments

So sorry you feel this way, depression is a thing that never leaves you - you learn to manage it and control it. Or I did anyway.  Is there a professional you would be comfortable talking to?