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Sorry for the long post guys, a lots been going on.
Not to use depression as an excuse, but I've been very depressed since starting college, and now my grades are suffering. I'm currently in my first year of college in Canada, and having moved from the San Francisco Bay Area, this has taken a lot to get used to.
Back at home, I used to be a pretty social person, every day I'd hang out with a couple close friends, maybe chill with a couple people after school or on the weekends. I'm a city guy, and am used to having a lot of things to do. I'm currently going to college in a small rural city, and have nothing to do all day.
It was pretty hard to make friends in class because all of it is spent lecturing, and being a small city, most people here grew up together, so are already pretty close, but eventually I made a couple friends, the first group I hung out with consists of all girls (I'm a dude), so obv they are a lot closer with each other, and I'm left out of a lot of things. Then maybe a month ago, I started hanging with a group of dudes who are pretty much my type, which is nice, but as I said before, there nothing to do here (once in a while, usually weekends, maybe I'll drink a bit, or smoke some weed; maybe something harder if I get my hands on them).
My hs GPA was at a 2.3, and my extremely successful dad (a pretty typical Indian parent in terms of grades, anything I do is a disappointment to him, he's the type of guy who works hard on everything he does, no matter how small, while I'm a much more mellow, lazy guy) made the agreement with me that he would pay for college if I got A's in all my courses (this semester, because I just started college, he'd take some B's, C's, and A's). However, if I failed, I'm not getting tuition payed. You guys might think its a hollow threat my dad might be doing to try to get me to do well, its not. I've taken three sciences, and the coursework is pretty hard; however I wouldn't know cuz I rarely showed up to class. At first it started off that I overslept and missed one, and fell behind so I didn't go to class because I figured maybe once I got caught up, I'd start going to class again. This has lead to me not knowing when tests or midterms are, and getting either a 0 because I didn't show up, or a very low test score. Soon after, everything seemed dark, and I would randomly feel really low and start crying, which i could put off while in public. Honestly, even now it wouldn't take too much. I'd go to sleep, and wake up feeling shitty. Honestly the only times I felt happy was in my dreams or when I got a bit fucked up, so I'd sleep like 14 hours a day, then smoke weed or drink or something, maybe watch some Netflix, then sleep. Now finals have come up, I know I've failed chem (literally knew nothing on the test), bio seems fucked (got that in 4 hours, and going over the practice test in the book, I'm not confident; plus pretty sure my grades too low to be saved by the final), physics is definitely fucked, psych is likely fucked, and I might be able to get by in math (although it is possible that is fucked as well). Math is the only subject I think I can pull off.
Realizing I was on a pretty shitty path, I decided to see a counselor (way too late, but nothing I can do about that), and he told me I might have depression, and recommended I see a dr about it cuz he thinks med might help. I have a drs appt when I go home, and I'm not against meds, honestly anything to feel better. I've kinda been feeling a little better, and I've been taking adderall to try catch up to maybe get a high score on finals (useless, because my grades are too low for me to pass even if I did very well on the final). I've got a tutor for math, so I think I've got that down. I've sent an email to all my profs to maybe explain the situation, and see what my next steps would be. But honestly idk what else to do. I don't think my dad will take me telling him I think I'm depressed well (I can easily hear him tell me its in my head, yell at me for wasting his money, how I'm a worthless member of the family who is leaving the world a worse place by being here, etc.) Honestly I don't think I can face him, and I have thought about suicide, but I know I got a lot of life to live, so its not worth it.
I need advice on what to do moving forward. I know this isn't what this is for, but any of you who have college advice would be greatly appreciated. Right now, I know its wrong, but I'm kinda panicking and trying to find ways to hide the grades from my dad; so any advice in that regard would be great too. I just don't know what to do, I just feel so worthless.
I don't have much to say
My birthdays' in three days
I just took a belt real tight
Put it 'round my neck tonight
That makes three times in two days
And yet, I still feel like a slave
There are bruises on my neck tonight
And no, I don't think I'll feel alright
But that's the end to my little story
Yes, I know it's a little bit gory...
This is the repost of a similar reddit post. Someone told me I should bring it here so here it goes:
I havn't really fully shared this story with anyone, only bits of a confession, that one time I got drunk. My first memory is the day of my birth. The doctor injected something in my buttcheek and i got to see my grandparents for the first time. I don't, however, remember see...