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English isnt my first language so be nice.
My life is a predicament.
I was born 28 year ago, desert but prosperous city. My mother was a teenager then, her first love, maybe the only love of her life was my biological father. Too little too soon, they become divorced, after a 1 year of being married, I don remember a thing I was just a baby less than one year old.
I grew up on my grandmother's house. I grew u with my uncles about 3 and 4 years older than me, I was like their little brother. I never had cold or hunger, I can say, I had a very very happy childhood, missing dad has no effects on me I was rounded by people who loves me, still they love me. My mom get married again with my dad, actual dad, not biological one. A Father is the person who raises a child, even if they arent yours. With my new dad, things got better and better. Better economy, better schools, better clothes, better food. My life was wonderful right? besides that I was able to go wherever I want, wanna go into a party and smash up your face in booze? Its okay, go. I had the luck that my parents trusted in me 100%. Besides I got good grades, very good grades. Perfect child isnt? Well sadly isnt.
When childhood start to wane, I became more methodical, I readed a lot, anything I can read.This "training" improved my memory to a level that Im proud of it. Then I choose tech over sports, geek over popular, and loneliness over company. I had "friends", dates, girlfriends, one night stands, etc. "Friends" because I never trusted my feelings to anyone, no one know or knew gow feel about anything. My carcass says "normal Guy", but im not.
First big shock I had, was when I ended HighSchool.
Being the second of the class, my grades were enough to be anything I wanted but a Doctor. I took the exams, all of them. Great score. Then the day comes....I was on my parents room, alone, and I get desperated. I panicked. I didnt knew what to choose. Deadline passed.
Then I suffered an serendipity or kind of, I thought it was one. The meaning of life, or kinda. "We are on a race to death". Without losing any family member or a friend, I realize that my life will end someday somehow, even if I struggle, cry or fight for life, the time will put an end to all the things.
So I became bitter.
I had a girlfriend that days, she was 3 years younger than me, she was named Claudia. She has an extraordinary drawing skill and very honest, and an anime fan. I was working on a Health Secure company. She waited for me on the door everyday.
She had family issues, she suffered Endometriosis, Im not a doctor but she was traited with shots and were very painfully. Also, at her age of 16, she was told she cant have babies. Really sad.
Months passed and we broked up, her family issues become unbearable to her, and she decides to walk her path alone. I was heartbreaked, after some struggling to save the relationship, she was stoic at her decision. She was brave.
I survived, I always do.
I learned that any problem, any joy, any wall, any hole on my life, it will be cover up, like a running river. No matter how, I will smile at everything, until the river of my life, rush into the problem,and wash it away, or it i will keep flowing rounded it. I created a facade for all the thing I couldnt bear.
That is my way of life. Not so wise.
I went to the college, Economy. So much different people, so many points of view. So many friends, so many foes. It was a great time. Temporary loves, temporary partners. I was just flowing away. Maybe I broke some hearts too. I wasnt searching for anything serious. I was free.
Then, reality shocked me again. College ended
Grow up. Im a inconsistent bastard, I hate adulthood, but love the benefits that brings. Sex, money, cars, freedom I love all of them. Sadly I hate other side.
At work I become more and more unstable about life, I hate life, why I must work until im old?? When I'll have the time to travel to Europe?, When I will have my sword fight? When shall I spend 3 months sleeping 24/7?
Barely adult, I met her, she was gorgeous. I knew her from the primary school. Grown up woman. Indepent, supportive and smart, maybe a little more cunning. We falled in love, even knowing I had nothing for her.
A year later we married, best day of my life. We were happy, but I knew, that nothing is eternal.
I got fired from my job, its okay she said, and for 3 months she took care of all.
I got a new job, big money, we were in heaven, we thought.
Then it comes, my facade of years start to crumble, we had discussion all days.
We were fine, then bad, the fine again.
My job becomes unbearable, I cant keep it up, I failed to her.
I spoke with her and she says its okay.
More than a half of year unemployeed. Debts become to stall.
She panicked, so I gave her littlel tic tacs of comfort, saying everythings will be alright with my poker face.
it repeated for months. I was on careless mode. My facade was crumbling, cant take so much doubts and problems.
her speech was the same everyday, copied and pasted
She gave up, and didnt say a thing.
One day she comes from her work and cried out for help. Collapse.
She was destroyed, all the problems, debts everything was beared by her.
She cant took it anymore. And I failed her again.
When she needed my help, my husband embrace...I leaved her alone crying in the bedroom.
Mistakes were made
She grab some things and leave.
I turned on my pc and started to play online.
3 days we were apart. Then we comeback.
She was expecting a more supportive me. But my facade was destroyed. Our momentary split up was too much for it.
I became frustrated, angry and sad.
New year eve Ive yelled at her.
Never happen before, she asked to leave our apartment.
I said no.
She started to pull all my things out of the apartment.
I leave her alone.
She wrote me that I destroyed her
It wasnt my intention, never wanted that. I love her, still.
But Im not able to give her what she deserved, what she wants
I had became static water, a pond, a dried river.
I cant fight for myself, I cant fight for her.
I readed once, the best thing you can do for someone you love, is let it be happy, even if She isnt with you.
How im gonna love, if I cant look myself into the mirror?
I had everything people crave, family, friends, love ,food and a roof
but Im always sad
My life still is a race to death
Nobody knows that I sear.
I've got no friends. My family live miles away from me. I am completely alone. If I don't go out of the house then it can literally be weeks between human contact for me. I'd love to tell my mum how I really feel. Let her know I am struggling but I don't want her to feel like she has failed me or to cause her any more worry than she already has to deal with.
I just nee...
Its been over 9 months now. I suffer real bad with depression and anxiety, he was there for me through all that but I guess he just decided that I wasn't doing him any good and he wasn't meant to be with me. At the time I was in shock, probably still am.
Its been months now and I can not get rid of the thoughts of him from my head. I can't stop thinking of how we should be ...