Growing up is so insane

My life is so full of unsureness sometimes. I'm bored all the time, but I really really want to NOT be! I'm trapped at home until I turn eighteen. Thank god my birthday's in May. I have an eating disorder and it's pretty much as awful as it sounds. I eat like a pig and then I puke everything up because for whatever reason in hell I'm obsessed with being thin. Which would seem really uncharacteristic of me if you knew me. I'm mostly a joyful person around my friends and I always preach about tolerance and introspection and being a better person and loving yourself but the truth is I'm just as unsure about all these things as everyone else. The only difference is I'm aware of the paths that'll take me to the right place. Isn't that so dumb? I KNOW how to stop (which is to just simply stop) but I can't shake my illogical feelings. It's like a computer virus in my mind. On top of that, I'm a spiritualist. Spiritualism, in a very very tiny nutshell, is just about finding fulfillment through communication with spirits. I talk to dead people.. Or, at least I really really want to. I've always been psychic, but becoming a medium is really my true goal. IS that weird? Yeah. But, who cares? I've found a variety of instances in my life I could use to prove spirits exist and they're even more cognizant of everything than we are. But, everyone is entitled to be a skeptic and play the devil's advocate. Especially with something that relies so heavily on faith. Sometimes I wonder if being/feeling psychic is just my brain being all wacky. Ever sine I took some quiz online for mental health that asked me if I believed I had mystical power or had "magical thinking" I've felt inclined to skepticize over every little instance concerning the spiritual and psychical world. Do I have borderline personality disorder, on top of depression and ED? Or am I a Spiritualist who simply has a couple bad chemical imbalances? I guess nobody can really answer these for me except me....... Another thing that always gnaws at me is Love. I want so desperately to fall in love with someone and be loved in return and make them feel so special and be made special in return. I love the whole concept of finding a connection with someone so deep that you're willing to commit your entire lives to one another. I haven't really found a true true love yet but I hope so badly I do. I fantasize about being with someone and doing really mundane things like going out for coffee or sitting on the beach in silence. It's an obsession. I think if I don't ever find someone to just feel happy with like I imagine it'll be I'll just wanna die. I don't know. I'm just unsure about everything

User Comments
Anon-1

Hey :) Have you seen someone about your eating or ever talked about it with someone? This charity is in the UK but may be able to point you in the right direction https://www.b-eat.co.uk/ It sounds to me like your eating needs addressing so that would be my first advice, try and get some professional help for it.

Love can come and go. It wasn't until I was 27 that I found true love and I wasn't looking for it, it just appeared. I always think if you actively look it won't be right you just have to go with the flow and be surprised when as soon as you are not thinking about it, the right relationship will appear.

Hope all works out for you in the future.

Anon-2

I can't say I know how you feel when it comes to your eating disorder, since that not something I have personally experienced (though not for lack of trying, just anytime I go down that road I end up realizing I care far too much about feeling the comfort of eating to continue it). But I get the knowing how to fix things but not doing anything about it. 

I have horrible self esteem and some pretty bad anxiety. I constantly beat myself up for making mistakes or not being perfect, even though I know full well that no one is perfect at everything, comparing yourself to other people is unhealthy, and all I have to do is think of positive things and, you know, stop beating myself up. But I don't. I just continue it, and then I beat myself up for beating myself up when I could've stopped. See the problem? 

I don't really have an answer, just might help to know that you're not the only one who feels that way.