yikes

i was only thirteen when I swallowed ten tylenol and three aspirin in an attempt to make my heart stop beating. i spent the night in the hospital with needles in my arms and urine in cups and there was still pill residue on my mouth. i spent a week in a behavioral facility to get help and i guess it did help a little. but now im fourteen and i still have thoughts of drowning in my own fucking tears and wrapping my fairy lights around my neck. im trying. im trying so hard. but if i killed myself tonight, the stars would still appear, the sun would still shine, and the seasons would still change. so why shouldnt i? people call me strong, i am so strong for what ive been through. but do strong people plan their next attempt at death right after being released from their first? 

User Comments
Anon-1

Strong people do what they feel they have to. People are too quick to disparage those who are suicidal; it takes great strength and commitment. That doesn't make it right, but it DOES speak to certain qualities of character -- a character that, personally, I feel the world would be a little worse-off without. 

I'm glad you're trying. Please keep trying. I can't offer much more than empty platitudes... but things DO get better. You aren't broken. You aren't bad. You aren't wrong. You are, in fact, right... and you have every right to be here. 

Anon-2

Hang in there. I don't know you, but the simple fact that you're willing to talk about this makes you sound like a strong person to me. Many people are too afraid to. There's nothing wrong with being scared, but you can't let it rule you, and you didn't. 

Anon-3

You're 14. You're not supposed to be "certain" about anything yet. Nobody should be forcing you to have to be. If people are telling you to make "big decisions" now, ignore them. It sounds like you've been expected to grow up very fast for whatever reason, and like you've done a great job at doing so, but that's not fair to ask of you. Hang in there! Try to enjoy yourself! You WILL enjoy yourself as an adult, and things WILL get better but nobody should be putting pressure on you right now. Seriously.