My Story So Far...

Well I guess I better start at the beginning, really nothing bad has ever happened to me which makes the way I feel seem mocking in some way if that makes sense. It feels like I don't have the right to feel this way to even think that I may be depressed or whatever the hell I am nothing horrific has ever happened but I do feel this way and I am hoping that putting all this out there will somehow release me from some of these feelings at least.

I have always been a loner I mean in primary school I had one friend when she left in about primary 3 I had no one, I literally would sit on the sandbunker in the play ground or watch the boys play football. I don't think it was until maybe primary 6 I had managed to make friends with someone else. For some reason even as a child I had this notion in my head that no one really liked me maybe it was because I was so shy and quiet that I never really made friends or maybe it is true that no one really liked/likes me, maybe I just have one of those personalities I don't know. Anyway the rest of primary school passed without any further incident even into the first couple years of secondary school went by amazingly I had a few friends everything was great I don't even remember feeling any thing bad. There were no feelings of worthlessness or not being liked. The friend I made in primary school didn't really last all the way through secondary school as there was one day that we were play fighting and you know how both of you want to have the last hit and it just seems to get more and more aggressive. Well according to her I beat her up (this went round most of our year). That's probably when the bad thoughts started coming back, I mean I tried to apologise but she wouldn't even speak to me at all so that made glasses awkward if I even looked in her direction there were evil looks and comments made. It was hard but I got by I still had my other friends and that was fine.

However at this point I made friends with this other girl who would end up totally messing up mostly everything, at first she was a great friend (naturally we spoke about the one I fell out with, and as it turned out this new friend didn't like the other one in fact she could be down right nasty about her). It was around about this time that the girl I fell out with phoned me up one day (well more like her mother phoned to see if I would talk to her) anyway she phoned up in tears saying she had seen some film about two best friends who had fallen out and something bad happened (I can't really remember) and the long story short she wanted to be friends again I said yes. It was awkward at first but then everything was back to normal, no more comments or evil looks we were friends again it was all great.

Sadly in my 5th year at school everything went to hell. I know that most people as they go through school make more friends and drift apart from old ones I get that and I understand that. If I had been a stronger person back then and not so weak I would have seen what was happening. This new friend I had made who hated the old one was now going out with my brother which was weird as hell but they were both happy and my old friend that I made up with and I were drifting apart as can happen. But what I didn't count on was this new friend whispering in my ear saying horrible things and as me and my friend drifted apart obviously misunderstandings occurred we stopped speaking and we fell out again. I had been naively listening to this new friend and her poisonous words and I thought getting rid of my old friend was a good thing. It was after all that had happened that this new 'friend' turned on me she started bullying me relentlessly saying I was fat (which I was) that I was a lesbian ( which I'm not) and everything else she could think of. All this time she was still going out with my brother. She somehow got it into her head that I wanted to sleep with my own brother (I mean seriously!! How the hell could anyone suggest such a thing). The bullying was so bad that I spent most days crying and wondering what the hell was wrong with me, what the hell had I don't to her to make her turn this way on me. In the end all I could think of was ending my own life to make it all stop to make the pain go away to make the guilt go away. I mean I basically treated a good old friend like trash because I was weak enough to listen to her poison. In the end it was decided I would move schools. This was the most terrifying experience of my life I didn't want to spend any more time on my own but luckily when I got there I was accosted by someone who would now be one of my best friends and still is to this day.

Sadly everything that happened in school still affects me, even going to uni I didn't make friends until half way through the first year. With everything that happened and the fact that I always felt like I was worthless and unlikable for some reason I stopped trusting anyone and was proved right again when I stupidly told a friend that I thought I was depressed while we were on holiday with a group of people from uni.Not even 12 hours later every one knew and then the lying son of a b***h decided to lie to my face when I confronted her about it. Now I know I can't trust anyone the people closest to me don't know about any of this and on top of that they don't now my deepest secret that because of all this I like to escape. I like to escape into a fantasy world in my head that is based on books I have read or films I have seen or even just scenarios I have came up with where I am popular where I am loved where I am wanted.

I know you may be wondering about my family life and it has been perfect I have 2 loving parents and a loving brother (who thankfully left the evil one and is now happily married with a gorgeous little boy too) I know up until now I have mentioned guys and this is one thing that seems to have messed me up even more. They never seemed into me I mean I am fat with a rubbish personality (Well that's how I see myself) I mean I was 18 by the time I had my first kiss and I've never had a boyfriend, I have never had sex and I'm 24. I have mentioned this slightly to a friend who doesn't seem to understand the enormity of how that makes me feel.She doesn't seem to understand how much it hurts and how much it messes with your head when you feel like no one will ever love you, that no one will ever want you the way you read in books or see in films or how you see in your own family ( I mean my parents are still like teenagers and have been together for over 30 years) I have never told anyone any of this but it feels like a combination of all of this has messed up my head so badly I don't know how I will ever get it back on track.

I now can't ever remember going a day without wondering if I will always be on my own or if the friends I have around me will always be there or if they will turn on me and break me like the last one did.

I could go on but I think if anyone has made it to this point you deserve a break and a medal for listening (reading) to me getting all this off my chest. I never thought would write this all out but I feel like if any of this helps someone feel less like they are on there own with anything I have mentioned it was all worth it.

I've been sat here watching my word count and I can safely say I have never been able to write anything this long without having to stop and have a major procrastinating break so at least when this is all written out my tears have dried and am left with a smile on my face since not even my dissertation at uni was this easy to write (even tough the content is so painful to remember)

Thank you for listening =D

User Comments
Anon-1

Thank you for sharing your story, I know how hard it can be.  I hope 2016 brings you happiness and everything that you want. Best wishes x