Alone

I'm honestly not sure whether or not I'm truly anti-social, or introverted, or simply a bit awkward... but I'm awfully tired of being alone. It's starting to hurt, every day, and I don't know what to do about it. 

I live alone in a small, dingy apartment. I don't have a lot of money. I don't own a car, and I live in a small town with nothing to do. The internet is my only outlet. One of my closest, most long-time friends recently got married, had a child, and moved to a town that's almost an hour's drive away. Another is moving with his girlfriend, also a friend of mine, to another state--eight to ten hours' drive away, minimum (I'm not exactly sure, it's been a while since I've driven that way). 

I say that these are recent events, but this is stuff transpiring over the course of years as I sit back and watch the world go by, feeling like I'm stuck out of time. 

I made friends with a wonderful woman online--pretty much my only recourse for meeting women at this point, sheer coincidence aside... and when you seldom leave your apartment on account of having nowhere to go, coincidence would require something on the level of divine providence (I checked online for real-world hangouts in my area; there's one for knitters that's entirely middle-aged women, and one for birdwatching that has 4-5 retirees... I'm not there yet, you know?). Anyway, there's this girl, and she's... incredible. And, to top it all off, she used to take risks online. 

Once, she hitchhiked and bummed her way across the country to be with a man she cared about. She's helped me through a great deal, and she's a wonderful friend... but at some point before she met me, someone hurt her. I'm not quite sure how, only I know that now she doesn't trust anyone she didn't know before that happened. She doesn't want to draw close, commit to a relationship, or get back on the horse. So I met her at that point in her life where she's actually leaving the internet slowly behind; she moved to a major city, a long ways away from me, and is doing more and more on her own out of her house.

I have friends in that city. There are jobs I can do there. I have a well-employed relative there... but I've never been one who was capable of asking for financial outlay. I just can't do it. I've gone homeless for brief periods of time, in the past, while immediate family members were going on cruises and cross-country trips with absolutely no idea. None. 

I'd do just about anything else to relocate to that city and pray for a chance at meeting up with her in person. Even if nothing happens, and I've no reason to expect that anything would, it's the type of environment that I've always wanted to live in, and I'd have a good friend there. I don't have the money, employment, or street-smarts to get myself there, though... and I'm so awful at networking. I recently started a crowdfunding campaign to try and start a business; I did everything they reccommended. There aren't a lot of people on my social networks, so I paid someone to adveritse my crowdfunding campaign to his Facebook and Twitter feeds of over 100,000 people. 

He advertised repeatedly over the course of four days. I got 4 hits, 1 additional share beyond his own, and no donations. 10 days into the 60 day campaign, I'm sitting at $25 (from my parents) on my way to a $10,000 goal. An 8-year-old's 19-year-old large-breed dog needs surgery and people open their wallets and donate $40,000 in the span of a few hours, and I can't get a cent for an effort to start a useful, fun business that would cater to the community. 

I can't go anywhere. I can't afford anything. I can't relocate. I can't meet women. Deep down inside, despite a couple of years' worth of effort at consistently telling myself that I'm a human being, as worthy of consideration as any other person, I still can't bring myself to ask a person for money or financial outlay outright. I don't believe in myself. I've few skills or accomplishments. I've cut myself off from the extended family who might have been there for me, and I don't know how to approach them again. 

I think I hate myself. 

I'm not really sure.

User Comments
Anon-1

When I was younger, I had a hard lesson to learn in the form of knowing when to ask for help. It sounds like you're trying hard, and that there are people in a position to help you out who might be willing to--particularly if you've not been looking for handouts right along. I can't relate to your situation with this woman; it sounds like you care about her a great deal, long distance relationships are simply beyond my personal experience. That said... if there is enough of a connection between the two of you, things will work out :) Life is funny, that way.