a shelter, a monster, cradling numbness

ive been going through my eating disorder since eight years. now that´s a hell of a long time for trials and tribulations as such, for a drug addiction that is supposed to work as fuel for life: food and the relationship between mind body and soul and nutrition. in a world filled with surface and looks, it is easy to get lost. one cant see the forest for the trees and that´s actually a hazardous way of growing into womanhood, given that healing tools aren´t at hand.but eight years are only the official number on the time scale. ive had body and self-confidence issues since my very young age. lacking warmth and eye glances I´ve always been an introverted lover, observing and empathizing, feeling for nature, my peers, older people. ive always kept on looking for approval and acceptance, motivation and pushes to self-discovery and character mouldings.
I went anorexic at the age of seventeen. during that period of time i was about to finalise my diploma year in the field of study i despised: economics, accounting and administration. my father never wanted me to change the school. he´d go nuts knowing i didnt want to finish that field and opt for something else instead. he was a very absent, depressed and tyranny-stricken person, on general. he was a know-all and with his own problems he totally missed his second child´s nurture. i wish i got to know him during his golden years during which he had a blast will all fam members and he enjoyed life to the fullest. my sister followed his harsh footsteps so there was no real shelter. my mom was only concerned about my sticks and bones. my soul was not to be seen. not even then. my father and my mother have only seen me as a body and their small, kind, responsible second child. when in reality i was so much more. my older sister developed anorexic behavior before me, so i know that my eating disorder definitely is a biological and cultural trip. it´s in the genes and i will do anything to crack this mirror open and paint all anew the way I beat and flow. sometimes i wonder whether they too kme for a human being or an off spring who´s supposed to stick to family patterns, come hell or high water. when i was a teenie i was anything but happy with my meagre looks in femininity. i only saw fat and narrow hips morphing. my sister was very Italian and loved by men, instead. my father also didnt encourage my growth in femininity and the quest for individuality and self-creation wasn´t very appreciated either. reassurance and confidence were no daily treat, anything but that. i went anorexic by eating three times a day, fruits only. i skipped official family meals and retreated in my warm bubble in which i knew there wouldnt be misunderstandings and i felt light and safe, it all felt familiar and comforting even tho istarted to look feeble like those tree leaving leaves, falling leaves, because their time would transcend and go on. my surroundings only noticed my body as well. we live in a superficial, apathic society in which awakened people can be merely counted on one hand. unfortunaltely i missed my periods for nine months during my fruitdiet, i was advised to gain weight quickly. a stupid nutritionist told me so.my father took me to pay her a visit and she didn´t even eye me. she pretended to have there, a sitting, aching poor object that´s got no tongue and no brains while it was her who needed to be schooled in psychology and humanity. my country is poor in holistic healing approaches. when i went through this food depriving stage, my father developped lung cancer. he lived for a period of nine months. he had mood swings he didnt want to pet our lovely dog any longer. we didn´t have any proper life conversation, we didn´t talk about the illness, about our relationship. we were both very scared, i reckon.he quit his job, his life purpose (it really was his job that made his heart pound deeply) and now he had to find some different time killing. i knew i had to gain weight (always on the lookout for what´s supposed to be instead of "what i´m feeling, what is it i need, how am I doing?"even tho i despised the sluggish and invisible development of my femininity. nobody ever saw me for the whole, important, creative and needy girl. and i never got to know and explore my true talents in public. i lacked major bricks: faith, love and encouragement. but! i need to say, i developed a strong sense for loyalty. i remember the times i went loyal in regards to my parents, looking for them: how could i help? how could i mend and embellish and light up a situation? i often retreated within myself coz i didnt really stand up for the growing young person. ive always been criticized and undermined. my uniqueness wasn´t very popular at school either. i had my own strongwill and life philosophy. ive always wanted to grow up quickly and become a badass, beautiful, confident woman but my milestones were paved by void and to-do-or-to-be-doomed. i remember my sister being bossy about force feeding. i was obliged to eat whenever she thought it was advisable to. my mom only wanted me to eat high in calorie foods.since we´re italian we eat pasta; in our cupboards we´ve always had a shortage of chocolate and sweets. so my mom targeted those foods. i never had a voice and my anger started boiling frustration and loneliness from the deepest within. when i started to binge eat i put on weight quickly. i gained weight in a month and it was all chubbiness despite my sports (which was made of swimming. ive really started lovin water when i discovered it on my own, all the phoenix feelings that arise when in apnea!). i ate very unhealthily out of helplessness and frustration. my father died some day in june when i was chubby already. he missed my diploma day, my d-day. my new life day. he missed my eighteeth birthday. but then.. he missed so many life situations, never being there, really. only children´s rights didn´t fail our home: foods, warmth, tv time, clothing (though i owned the hell of a lot of handmedowns and my father wouldnt let me choose clothes according to my fancy. he only saw the practical side of clothing and i was just trying to live out what i liked!discoveries!) when family gathered in our back yard for my 18th birthday party in july i was asked to hold a speech but at the mere thought in public, tears welled up in my big almond-shaped eyes. i grinned (feelings well hidden, methinks..)and said there wasn´t anything special to say. there was dead silence for about one minute but the family reunion went on. my best year was 2011-2012. i enroled at university. the first professional-wise thing i did that mirrored my soul: arts, humanities and English literature. I loved all of it though I was shy and I never felt good enough. i had serious fallbacks and body issues, my mother gave me a hard time of invisibility and i had loads of nervous crackdowns which made her worry. Nevertheless my passion overtook it all. i went for what i loved and i believed in it. i didn´t continue my studies because i was lonely and lost. i wasn´t ready to leave the so-called familiar walls. i didn´t know who i was, would I make it out there? what would become of me? my studies were great but i had no idea where to turn to. people left abroad, building their own paths. me? i was mirroring my silent aching and my unfathomable void. this void. these unknown stacks of lacks. i could go on and on ripp(l)ing, adding, cutting, seasoning more bits and pieces of all that I´ve lived through. Where do I stand today? For the first time I found a valuable German therapist who knows how to be(have) and who´s skilled enough to give me the right treatments. I am still fighting my eating disorder. I am still nervous and anxious. I still don´t feel worthy all the time, my faith being a forever quest at times. But I met a man. He´s a positive element in my recovery questperiod. I´m also grateful for the therapist I got to know. Thanks to her, changes occurred. Slowly but surely.




User Comments

So glad you are now more positive and noticing the changes :) I hope it continues this way for you x