I don't know what to think

There came a moment in my life when everyone around me started to do more grown up thing: partying, drinking, smoking... the usual. That's the exact moment when I started to feel lonely. I didn't want to admit it, but I was completely alone. Every friday I would sit in fornt of the TV and maybe play some Guitar Hero knowing that all of my classmates where having fun without me. I don't think I could describe that feeling in my stomach every night, specially those friday nights. It was almost incapacitanting, I was alone at home and feeding my self-loathing more and more. I spent my days like this thinking that someday maybe, just maybe, something would change, and it did, for worse. 

I was one day in class, and one of my classmates, one that you could put among the popular guys, for some reason gave me a notebook that he said he didn't need anymore, and if I wanted, I could have it. I took it just for fun, he used to write short stories and doodle in class, so maybe I could have some fun reading it in class. This led me to discover that one day he used it to communicated during class with the hot girl in our class. He probably didn't know that was there, so no bad feelings towards him. Anyway, there was a message that talked about preparing a birthday party for this girl's cousin, and in this message it was explicitly said that I should not be invited, that would be weird. This shouldn't had been much, but it hit me like a bullet in the stomach. I realized that not only I was completely alone, but that other people were pushing me aside without me noticing.

This event in my life just started the reason I'm wrinting this right now: I am terrified of any relationship. Every time I talk with any of my friends, I over-analyze everything and tend to hate myself even more, call myself names, because I think I'm useless and I'm in the way of other people's lifes. This has been a recurring thing over the past 2 years or so, I feel incredibly bad for pretty much everything I do. My biggest fear is that I might be just an annoyance to everyone else, someone they want to get rid off but they can't, someone that is constantly in the way. I am terrified of being rude to anyone, but whenever someone asks me for anything, I feel terrified to comply in fear I might disappoint them. I want to be better, I one people to like me, I want to be frienly with everyone, but my crippling insecurity makes me be someone rude, useless and overall a failure. I'm terrified of being a burden, so every time a conversation arises that I'm part in, I can't but feel the preassure of people not wanting to talk with me.

I am incredibly concerned about my own intelligence, always worrying and convincing myself that I am dumb, but deep inside I want someone to prove me wrong. I always need to be above everyone to feel like I could be considered an equal, I need to be better just to be normal, I need to prove everyonne that I am better, but I never say anything or show off in fear I might sound arrogant. And that is another point, I am obsesive about arrogance, I always down myself in an attemp to not create any expectations just so I can't disappoint anyone. I want a girlfriend but I'm terrified of the idea. I want to be able to have normal conversations and for people to think I'm a nice person, but I can't see the day that happens. 

I tend to feel something inside me that pushes me towards making things that I shouldn't do. I act as selfless as possible, but sometimes I'm forced by myself to act in a selfish way. I want to please averyone, even if it's at the cost of my own time or resources, just making someone happy will make me feel that at least I can be useful in some way, even if people use me.

And this are my feelings, I feel absolutely horrible about myself right now because I want to be a nice person, and the moment someone tells me I'm hard to talk to or that I'm rude, I fall into an abyss I don't know how to get out of. At this moment I'm at a point when I'm not really sure if I'm suffering from depression or not, and I feel by even considering it I'm making it an excuse for all of the feelings I don't want to face, because maybe in reality I'm just a horrible person no one want to be with, and if that were to be true, I wouln't want to meet anyone ever again. Better without me that with me I guess. I've never considered suicide to be an option, but yesterday, for a fleeting moment I imagined myself doing it, and the sensation of freedom that I got for a brief second was something I can not describe with words. I know I'm not going to do anything reckless, because suicide requires courage, something I lack.

This is my story in a nutshell, even if no one reads it. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to open myself up.

User Comments

hey, self loathing is a hard thing to beat. The constant stream of negativity just goes around and around, I know I've been there. The best way to beat it is take action, reflect and realise that you have at least tried.  It gives you something to be positive around and lessen the negative thoughts about yourself. It worked for me and I was really bad so maybe it will help you a tiny bit.

Keep going and look for help, maybe a professional can help you.  Have you seen someone?