Just one more day.

 I came so close blowing off my 5 months of solid dedication to staying away from alcohol.  I want to get wasted again, I want to lose the feeling of what life is really like.  I honestly can't take it anymore.  I'm seeing this girl where I have no clue how she makes me feel and thats frustrating, my daughter talks about how great her soon to be step father is ALL THE DAMN TIME!, my parents aren't helpful when I talk to them about my problems, I have so many thoughts racing my head at every moment in time I don't know what to think.  I can't keep up with other people and their lives and they get so pissed off at me for not remembering.   I hate myself for being broken all the time.  I have so many things going for me but the more great things happen the more sad and depressed I become.  The past few weeks I've noticed myself slipping further and further down the same damn hole I desperately clawed my way out of months ago.  I have a few friends who understand what I'm going through but I don't talk to them about it too often. 

Truth is, I didn't drink last night but damn, I came so close. This morning I can taste the wine in my mouth and if I start drinking I can see my life turning upside down again fast.  I have to stay sober for myself.  If I let go, everything I've ever fought for would be thrown away and I might as well off myself.  The stress of this weighs on my brain so much and with it comes all the other obligations I have to fulfill.  

I can't drink, I can't kill myself, I guess all there is left to do is take a deep breath and fight once again.  Once more for my child, my family, my friends, my hopeful partner, and most importantly for myself. 

I hate doing this, I don't have the energy to keep going on.  But I will, I have to there is no other option.

 

User Comments
Anon-1

You're strong. You're refusing options that you know won't work. One of the things you need to do is forgive yourself; you're not weak, you're human. I know what it's like to feel like I'm lost amidst a sea of people who are actually living, and have nobody I can go to. I know what it's like to not remember anybody's birthday for years on end, and to feel like shit for it. 

Stay strong. Keep up what you're doing. And don't beat yourself up; life does enough of that in between the good points, but I promise that the good points are worth it.

Anon-2

Day by day bro. Rely on those friends that you have. Don't beat yourself up so bad. And stay away from that alcohol! It ain't worth it. Not at all. 

Anon-3

I gave up alcohol a few months ago. Just a few months... it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, but if I can do it... so can you. One day at a time, right? I'll stay dry if you do! It helps to find a hobby; not sure what works for you. I write, and sometimes go shooting at the local gun range, and I enjoy video games.