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OK. Something in me has got to change. I can not become a victim. I can not allow my manipulative unemotional husband to destroy me. I can't allow him to make me forget who I am.its hard because I feel like he has slowly destroyed me. Slowly forced me to alter my very make up.it would almost be impossible to explain how to another,but I can just about hold on to the gradual path it has taken. Sometimes I feel crazy,wonder if I have caused this situation as it seems so bizarre to be here. I was meant to be happy. I thought the type of person I am I would only end up with a loving soul mate for a partner...yet here I am.
I can not afford to continue to feel sorry for myself. I don't want how my husband treats me to dictate how I feel. The hardest part is watching him be pleasant to others and realising that he does have the capacity to do it.
In many ways I've thought I was happy just looking after my kids. More recently I feel I am afraid to leave them. I don't want him to influence them. I have watched him and his attitude towards the mother of his other 2 children. It's been poor. He lay all responsibility at her door for the end of their relationship and the disturbance that it caused his kids.i now realise he played a big part in that too.
How can I stay strong ? How can I empower myself ? There must be a way.
I at times feel proud for the person i care alot about. Since they have been able to do things and stop a bad habit...
However at times it just feels like they basically outburst on me even more. Some of it just also tends to feel like having less and less patience with me, which is wearing on me... even as i try to do stuff, i mess up once and i am not doing anything right, i no longer app...
The thing about depression is, in my opinion, that it is a disease of which you can never be cured. Once depression has you in its grips there is no escape. You do have a choice though, you can allow it to consume you or you can slightly loosen its grip.
Depression is something that I have lived with from over ten years and I can count on one hand the amount of people who know that about me.