I'm more than just a tad sad at this point, and it hurts me to no end. I'm a horrible person, inside and out. Not much to look at, selfish with my actions, angry toward the people I care for most; you know, the works. 

The phase of loneliness faded, I'd come to term with the fact that people didn't hate me as much as I thought, although I wish they did. Sometimes I lay there wishing someone would hit me until I bleed. And when I imagine it I feel a slight sense of satisfaction, as if I deserve it.

However, I recently reached out for help to a boy I, let's say love at this point. After 3 hours of solid crying, 20 minutes of complete terror, and a second of bravery followed guilt after sending him the mini novel I had written. I outlined what my recent activities have consisted of, things that upset/ confused me, and why I wanted to die.

Thinking after a 2 year long friendship this is the point where he would leave I can confeidently say, the kid surprised me. He said a lot of personal things but what really stood out to me was a section where he said, "this part makes me feel sick. Never, ever think about stuff like that."

i still feel the same, I can't help it. If I were to die I don't think I'd mind but he definitely gave me more to think about."



User Comments

You should totally feel proud of speaking out and asking for help.  His reaction isn't unusual as he doesn't see the world the same way you do.  Have you spoken to a professional?  They will know why you are feeling that way and be able to help.