The definition of insanity

It's been almost 2 years now. In the beginning of 2014, a terrible period in my life was starting. My mother was poor and lived with my younger brother in a small old shed. She was an alcoholic depressive woman that didn't want to face the true reality of things. Through the day time, she worked at a carwash, owned by my uncle, and at night, spent some amount of her money with beer. My brother passed most of time with my grandmother, who lived nearby (and still also poor). I'm just telling that because, at that time, i decided to move to my father's house, live with him and her girlfriend. He had enough money to live well and help my mother with some bills, and he gave me a good life in a matter of things (i had my PC, video game, a good internet connection and so on). But still, i wasn't happy. Because i was going a new school, one full of repeater dumbasses i would never relate to. I repeated  two times the seventh grade, the reason: i was depressive and didn't want to put any effort in my education. My father/mother didn't care much at the time, and i live today the outcome of all this: I deal in a daily basis with idiotic students. They have my chronologic age, but they're as smart as a piece of wood. "Well, that's bad, but i think you can make it. Just treat as a bitter remedy and focus your life in other things" you may think. That's the problem: there wasn't (and still isn't) other things. I lost almost all my friends since i went out my old school, and made just some few since then. Those new people ain't exactly the kind i like, they are all different from me in a lot os aspects, what makes me keep a distance, struggling to get closer. I have no hobbies, and didn't like anything i tried (including gym, tennis, soccer, swimming, music, photography/astrophotography, self-taughting science/math, theatre classes, foreign language classes, web design/video editing classes, reading, et cetera). Besides that, at that time, her girlfriend treated me like shit. Said that i would ever be a disapointment, i was lazy, i was dumb, i'd be just like my mother one day, i didn't deserve anything i had, well, think you've got the point. I never told those things to my father because, well, they were true, and i didn't want to bother him with my idiotic complaints. And after all, he was never home either. I kept skipping school, since going made me even more upset. Almost everyday of 2014 can be resumed to me, in front of my pc, watching something on facebook or youtube and trying to forget my real life problems.

It could be resumed to loneliness and sadness. I've got good moments (all the hangouts with my father and brother, for instance), but they were few. 2014 was terrible.

And also was most of 2015, with some differences. 

Today, i live with my mother and brother in an rent apartment, paid by my father. He pays all the bills here, since my mother is not working. She quit the alcohol and since that happened, i thought everything would change; we'd get closer, i'd get happier. Of course, that didn't happen. Today, i'm still pretty lonely, though i've got more friends than before, and i'm still sad. I'm still distant from my family. My time this terrible school is almost ending. The problems list went down, but i feel the same. I behave the same. the "suffering" is ending, but i'm still in "pain". I'm still "failing". Living one repetitive numb day at a time.

They say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same things expecting different results. That's what i'm doing. The results are exactly as expected and i have no willpower or strenght to change. I want to, i want to be happy, but i don't know where or how to start. I just keep repeating the same old mistakes. 

 

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