I'm finally getting better

So much shit has happened, I just turned 19 last week and I'm amazed I made it without killing myself. I failed my first year of Uni, failed it. I was so very sad nearly the whole time I couldn't keep up. My depression would keep me in bed and I spent weeks thinking about suicide a majority of the day everyday. I'm upset at myself for wasting the 4000 I was given to go to Uni because it wasn't the smartest decision I could've made. I don't think I did or anyone else understood where my head was at. I think about it now and I would've told myself to get an apartment and work and go to community because I was absolutely no where near a mental state healthy enough to attend. All of these things that had happened to me I ignored them and pretended that they didn't mean anything when all of it was some of the most difficult events for anyone to comprehend let alone be ok after. I sort of recovered after being adopted but after 2015 I lost my balance and fell off. Mom died, Uncle Bob Died, Grandma died, My grandpa was getting over 3 years of alcoholism. My grandma developed paranoid schizophrenia.

Until then I was a little sad but I kept my grades up, I was an A/B student. I tried really hard after but I let myself fall into bulimia and years of self hatred, I abused pot and my gpa went from a 3.8 to a 3.5 by senior year. Everything was slipping but I was doing all I could to hold myself up. So Ileft and I tried to escape by going to a university and signing myself into debt. It worked out terribly. I left and by the end of 2017 I learned what severe clinical depression was and I was forced to start taking my anti-depressants, I spent the whole year yo-yoing between hating myself and sabotage and doing everything in my power to contact people and try to make up for all my mistakes. None of it worked. I ended this first year of college witha 1.38 GPA, which alone is like a stab to my chest. 

But in the last 3 months I've been able to sleep less than 14 hours a day, I wake up before 12 every morning and I can brush my teeth. By the end of April I managed to do 7 consecutive days of stretching. I want so badly to be good, I want to be knowledgeable and now that I'm awake again I'm going to keep putting all of my efforts into opening opportunities for myself. 

One day I want to wake up and read and attend my classes and eat healthy. All of this seemed so far away until now but everyday i get a little closer to making my days how I want them to be. I will take control of my life because I don't have anything left to lose

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