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As I'm writing this I'm feeling a type of pain I've never had to dealt with my entire albeit somewhat short life. It's absolutely crushing.
I suppose I should start from the beginning. No personal information allowed so I'll try to keep it simple, and as clear and concise as I can even though I'm having trouble staying calm.
I've had a... weird life you could say. I was born with the looks of my father and the personality of my mother. My father is very... good looking. I personally never felt like I was like him, he was literally the guy all girls loved. I don't think I look that much like him, but everybody says I'm his exact image when he was younger. While I don't feel I'm bad looking (I actually like the way I look) I feel like people just put too much pressure on me in that regards. My father is hotheaded, self-centered mostly, and an agressive person. They don't seem like good traits, but strangely enough he's a good father... when he's sober. He had a drinking problem for an long, long time and he'd verbally abuse my mother, treat her super badly. I've learned recently he was much more awful than I could possibly think, when my mom told me some stories about things she had to deal with. There was even one time she was pregnant of me, and my father who was drunk at the time beat her up while she was showering. I don't even know the reason, but my mom mentions always he beat her with an umbrella so much the umbrella broke.
He has changed now, he is a fine person when he's sober. While I was growing and getting bigger (I'm well built, no complaints in that regard) I started noticing this a lot more, how much of a bad person he was and how awful my mother's life was. I started becoming more... challenging. I didn't want to put up with his crap anymore, and slowly I started talking back and standing my ground rather than looking down and accepting the abuse (yes because sometimes me and my brother had to suffer a little too. Never physical beating much, more like verbal attacks and having to deal with unnecessary crap from his part). Two or three times I actually challenged him, and got beat the hell up for it. He would have never hurt me that much, but as I said I actually fought back so rather than being just a slap from a drunkard it turned into a fight. Being smaller and younger I always "lost", there was one time I went to school an entire week with a black eye and swollen upper lip. Had to lie about it and say I fell from my bycicle, and make up some stupid funny story so I could laugh at it with my friends.
More recently as in just about two-three years ago, I got into yet another fight with my father. Except this time, I was bigger and stronger. I won. The drama that followed led to my father finally admitting he had a drinking problem. Since then he has stopped drinking and became a much better person. There have been litterally no fights the past years, no arguments, no verbal abuse. He is the person he has always been, still has a bit of an aggressive personality but he's not mean or bad. Ah and I forgot to mention, part of his drunk charm was forgetting everything he had done when he was drunk the next day. I don't drink much because of this. I've never been drunk and I'm going to be 25 in just a few days. I don't ever want to be the kind of person that will cause pain to his wife. I don't want this.
In personality I'm just like my mom. And my mom is an amazing person. Protective, caring, pretty and all of that. But also shy and not very sociable. I am exactly like her in this aspect. Added to the fact I inherited my father's genetic hearing/auditory peception problems (we're not deaf, but we're not normal either. I can keep normal conversations going easily, I can listen to music and all of that) it made me an incredibly shy and not very social person. For some reason I don't understand I got lucky, I've never had trouble making friends or anything of the sort. People just came to me and I've always been blessed in this aspect. My only problem was relationships. I could make female friends, easy really. But I was never brave enough to say the right things, or to risk a little more, and ended up missing fantastic opportunities to be happy. I've been in relationships, but they were never serious because I always looked for perfection. I was happy with what I had, even with beatiful girls. I needed someone special. I was born too romantic and believing in fairy tales, and I had that aspect of mine because it makes me suffer greatly.
Anyway some bad situations but not dramatic enough to be traumatic still made me decide and accept I wasn't meant to be happy, and I'm not happy now nor I have been in a long time. But after accepting this fact, I kinda got used to it and the pain disappeared. I was unhappy, and lived like a puppet basically. I forgot my goals of happiness, and accepted the little things life gave me and just kept going. I enjoyed playing online games a lot, and that's how this happened.
Now before people get mad at me, I understand my problem is nothing compared to what some people who post here suffer. But it's, it's horrible enough for me.
I was playing this game when I met this lovely girl, let's call her L. I didn't pay much attention to her initially, because not only I wasn't looking for an actual proper friendship, but the idea of an online relationship was completely stupid to me. So I was never able to look at online females as potential partners.
Anyway it turns out this girl is really nice and amazing. I started liking her more and more, until it got to a point I started thinking about her even when I wasn't playing the game. I felt cared for, and appreciated. She'd tell me she cared about me and wanted me to talk to her when she could see I wasn't too happy.
We started sharing more private experiences ofr our lives, and I learned the horrible truth about her - she was a victim of domestic violence, and all sorts of abuse from a boyfriend she is still with because she's too scared of leaving him. At this point, I had completely fallen for here but was still trying to deny it and trying to fool myself into thinking I was just feeling pain because I considered her a friend, and it was just my protective and caring sides that were causing me to suffer. I was wrong, so incredibly wrong. It was love. I fell in love my someone I met on the internet. I got so pissed off at myself, I didn't want this, I didn't want to feel any kind of pain related to love, I wanted her just a friend but I couldn't control my feelings. My brain said no, but my heart simply gave my brain the middle finger.
Funnily enough she linked me to a page here in Cathartic where she talked about her problems. And oh my God the girl suffered so much it's unbelievable. I just wanted to hug her, give her my love, protect her and treat her like a princess the way she deserved. She'd be the center of my life, and I'd spend every second of the rest of my existence trying to make her feel loved and happy. She means the world to me. I don't joke when I say if I were given a paper to sign that said L would get the happiness she deserves, would meet the man of her dreams who would treat her right (even if not me obviously) and would be able to life a normal happy life, I'd give my life for it. I'd give my very own soul for it. It's not just words, it's reality I know deep inside I wouldn't hesitate. My life isn't worth anything compared to hers, that's how I feel.
I offered her my help to end the abuse (worth mentioning we live in different countries) but she didn't accept, she said she wanted to deal with it her own way, that she was too scared to leave him because of how it ended the last time she tried. And it made me so mad, I never wanted to hurt anyone let alone kill my entire life, but I felt like I'd kill her boyfriend if given the chance.
We added eachother on her facebook, a different one she created for her close friends and that her boyfriend doesn't know that exists. And oh my god she is beautiful, the most perfect woman I've ever met. If I was still being able to resist somewhat, my defenses got absolutely crushed when I saw she was exactly how I imagine angels look like if they exist. I offered to travel to her country, meet up with her and help her sort her life. This meant sacrificing all my savings, possibly lose my job just because I wanted to help her so bad.
She declined, and I don't blame her for that.
Shortly after I got lovesick. I couldn't bear the idea of not being with her, and I would only have brief moments of happiness when I was with her playing games. I decided I had to say it. It made me really angry because it was something I didn't want, and I knew it would end badly. I was right.
I told her I loved her. Asked her to crush all my hopes in a ruthless manner so I could get over it and we could still be friends. She is a caring and nice person and she wasn't bale to do it the manner I wanted, she explained me only she couldn't be in another relationship, she'd never trust again and would feel miserable with me or anybody else for that matter. She said there were no chances of it ever happening. And then that's when things went to shit. I tried to get her to reject me by saying she wasn't attracted by my looks, personality, or even the distance we lived from eachother. Something that would mean definitely she couldn't be with me. But she wasn't capable of doing it. She said there was nothing wrong with me, she simply couldn't do it.
This led to arguments. Caused my me because I'm an idiot. I tried to make her change her mind, and failed. I then decided I should quit the game we both played for a while so i could move on and then we could be friends after losing all the romantic feelings I had for her. But I changed my mind again and returned hours later after quiiting and saying my goodbyes, and continued being a nuisance. She said it was starting too get too much, said she felt we needed some time. Being the idiot I am I didn't respect this. She logged out form both facebook and the game but I kept sending messages for her to read later, I got desperate. I had never been in such a situation and acted like a complete asshole. Even when I calmed down and realised what I had done, it was too late. Nothing I said would get her to talk to me. And just hours ago I tried one last time, she accused me of not respecting her wishes, of doing things a friend would never do. She said I was ruined her only free time, and time of happiness where she could forget her problems. It got so bad she unadded me in the game, and removed me from facebook. I lost her. I lost her forever, I completely destroyed an amazing friendship because I couldn't stay quiet, because I couldn't be happy with what I had. I wanted so much to be a positive light in her life and I ended up being just as bad as her boyfriend and ex-boyfriend. I didn't do anything near as bad, but she just wanted peace, to feel happy and I gave her hell and drama.
I regret it so much, and apologised so many times but to no avail. I never messed up so bad in my life. The thought this woman now hates, doesn't want to have anything to do with me... it's unbearable. I'll never talk to her again, I'll never get the chance to meet her in real life now. It's destroying me.
I had thoughts about suicide some times in my life, when I felt I would never be happy. But it wasn't because I didn't want to live, I felt life was worth living just things had never been good for me. I couldn't do it because of my family and friends, the pain I would cause them. But now... oh my god, I'm actually considering it. I am, this pain is unbelievable. It's not the not being able to be with her, but feeling I made the most amazing person I've ever met hate me. I hurt her and it's killing me, I feel so shitty, so badly. I hate myself right now. I think I want to die if it means not feeling anything anymore.
I don't know what to do, I have a safe manner to kill myself. It would be just like falling asleep and never waking up.
I just wanted to vent, probably nobody will even read this. Or sympathise even. I never thought it was possible to feel this bad, and I wish there was a manner to show her how much I actually love her. But there isn't, and I ruined it all.
I'm the OP still. I'm completely lovestruck yet, and it's making me not being able to think properly. I know where she works, in my head I'm thinking maybe I could travel to where she lives and apologise in person. Maybe then she'd understand?
But I'm just being creepy right now, am I not? The small part of me that is being able to control itself it's telling me it's a bad idea. That even thought I love her the feeling isn't mutual, she doesn't even like me as a friend anymore because I was an ass. Showing up where she lives would probably be traumatic for the poor girl, would it not? The problem is that I didn't respect her wishes to be alone, to the point she felt she had to severe all ties with me. This would only do worse wouldn't it?
My entire life I never had problems with friends, no dramas in regards to love or girlfriends. Nothing. And this now, the only friend I actually couldn't bear losing is the one I lose. And in a time of my life despite not being happy, I had found stability.
Edit2: Okay, false alarm. Suicide is no longer an option again, feelings for my family & friends won as usual. Still feeling horrible of course, but I'll manage hopefully.
I guess if it was so easy for her to drop the friendship I didn't mean much to her to begin with. I deserved it of course, or at least my feelings for her made me believe so, but if she truly cared she'd have forgiven me. I suppose it makes me feel a little better believing that.
Anyway, anybody who reads this, if you're ever put into a similar situation - it doesn't matter how strongly you feel about someone, if she says no, if she asks you to stop or for you to give her time: accept it. Don't try, even if you're in the right. Listen to that person and man it up, support her only and don't try to be a savior. Even if it hurts you for the rest of your days, feeling that pain is better than feeling nothing at all, or worse - feeling hated by the one(s) you love. Sometimes the best option is to let go too, if you love the person you should do what's best for her even if it hurst you. I should have realised this, but was too focused in myself and the shizzlestorm I was feeling. Don't be an idiot, don't make the same mistake.
To anybody who has ever gone through something even remotely similar - you have my full sympathy bro or sis, it ain't easy. Life isn't easy for some people, too many assholes out there like her boyfriend get the best things in life and waste them, don't give them the proper value. And actual decent people get nothing, no matter how much they try. It makes me sick, but it is what it is, and people are what they are as she loved to remind me so much.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read, hope I didn't waste your time.
This is heartbreaking. I know how it feels to want so desperately to help someone out of a situation they're in, after falling for them so completely. I think it's probable that long-distance relationships, courtesy the internet, are going to result in some rewriting of the old rules of social interaction... but it's hard for me to be objective here.
Being a good person is never a bad thing. Sometimes though, it's hard to know what to do, esp. in a situation like this for which there aren't any centuries-old rules on how to react. Trust yourself; you're a good person :) Listen to that nagging feeling which tells you that you need to stop, before you dig yourself a deeper hole.
And... try not to worry. I bet that when she's ready, she'll talk to you again. Which isn't making light of things. I've thought "Shit... I'm never going to hear from her again" over a dozen times with the same person, and it never gets easier.
It ain't easy being good. Learn from your mistakes, as hard as it is... try to take a step back, and breathe. Whether she talks to you again, or not, you can't do -anything- good for her if you can't step back, and figure out whether or not what you're doing is helping her, or hurting her more.
That came off a little less kind than I meant it to. I'm in a not too dissimilar situation, and I've been reading and commenting here, and it's giving me some perspective that I meant to share a little less bluntly than that.
It sounds to me like she enjoys her time spent online, and is able to use her online friendships as a means of escaping her everyday situation. If she does make contact with you again... breathe. Try to be there for her, without pushing, and to listen when she wants to talk. By doing this, you can actually do more for her than most people (by the sound of it) ever have. Beyond that... as I'm repeatedly told myself, whenever I forget... you have to trust the people you love to be able to handle their personal situations as best they can, and to come to you if they need aid.
You can write about anything that is important to you – your whole life, personal trauma or events that have affected you in the past.Share Your Story
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