5 years and a life planned...gone

It happened August 21st.  I've not been capable of posting the mess that has been this breakup - mostly because it keeps being a mess.

We had been together for 4 and a half years, while he was finishing his bachelors and I was starting a Masters. I sort of knew from the get go that he had some emotional issues, lack of empathy and appropriate judgement - but he seemed to try to be self aware and learn and change from not only me but our growing group of mutual friends.

Our relationship was great, absolutely great. In fact we both miss it greatly. We participated in BDSM (which has made things harder) and we both explored and fell in love with so many things. He introduced me to a love of cars and I introduced him to a love of anime conventions and we both developed a love of Steampunk. We joined a running team and did all sorts of stuff with those people and we developed another couple that were our best friends and power couple. Honestly, even looking back - the relationship was great.

With the exception of the fact that he kept making mistakes. He defaulted on a loan and had to battle it out in court because he didn't' believe he had to pay it back because it wasn't his fault he defaulted on it. Nearly everything in his life was because he had rotten luck and was dealt a fair hand - he rarely acknowledged his part which was usually his bad judgement. He almost got kicked out of nursing school (until he and I went in and has a discussion with the asst. dean on how to fix it) due to a professor failing him based very much on her negative opinion of him. It was an unfair decision - however I think she noticed what was off about him. His lack of socially appropriate behavior and poor judgement. He's always been a bit weird but he's extremely attractive and we all know attractive people get away with being assholes more than others. I always helped him through, always helped him find better ways of saying and acting and he would do them but he would get frustrated because he thought everyone should accept him for who he was. Which - that's a nice thought, but you also have to be aware of how your actions emotionally affect people around you and that is something he is unable to do. I suggested he go to a Meetup group for teenagers that are high functioning on the spectrum and he did. He said he had a great talk with the therapist there on some professional behavioral issues but he never continued.

Then he got a job as a CNA on a floor he wanted to work on as an RN and was excited because that meant when he graduated he could move into that role. He was fired three weeks later for displaying inappropriate material at the work place. Come to find out - we were heading to a Shibari convention and he'd requested the time off. When a coworker asked where he was going - he told them. (Doh!) And then realizing how inappropriate that was tried to play it off as an "art performance" and showed pictures of it on his phone. Cue being fired. Of course though - it wasn't his fault - he was being treated unfairly. Just like failing a semester of nursing school wasn't his fault - he was being treated unfairly (which to a degree yes, but mostly as a result of his bad judgement calls).

I always helped his through these things. I was sympathetic, empathetic and tried to find solutions for him to learn how to behave more appropriately. We built these plans for when we both would have full income and no kids. We talked about our future, and our plans and many great things. We also started exploring polyamory. He originally wanted a One Penis Policy but I refused to go along with that and said that if we were to do poly that it would have to be equal. I did say that we could start out slow though and only seek women. Then I got an offer for a post graduate fellowship two ours away for a year. We decided it was a lucrative opportunity and I would take it - room with a friend and come home on the weekends. It worked great (aside from me being exhausted all the time). He graduated and started studying for his exam. Then he failed it - twice I believe. And he was mad that we weren't continuing poly while I was away (which we discussed wouldn't be the best idea because communication would be difficult). During that time I'd asked if he'd be willing to move to where I was so I could continue a job there for at least another year and build my resume. It would be back to his home town and he would be close to his family. He REFUSED saying he hated that side of the state. So I busted my ass networking to find a job back where we lived because I also wanted to be in that city.

Around February he was texting me that he was missing me a great deal and struggling with depression. I tried to be supportive as I could, but apparently this combined with failing the test and an over eager stripper who gave him a ton of attention led to him cheating. Then he tried to introduce us for her to be a possible third which I was open to because I didn't know he had cheated. Then he came clean knowing that wouldn't work. We tried to make it work and fix things because he loved me and I loved him and I could give understanding to the situation that led to his poor judgement and infidelity. Then one night he told me he was no longer in love with me but loved me greatly and left. I stopped talking to him and he moved out. Cue a couple weeks later and he's missing me and we are talking and he comes over and his crying, telling me he loves me deeper than anything etc. He wanted us back and I did too but in the month or so we were apart he'd started flirting and dating all the other women. I had said that they needed to understand that I am primary or he either needed to cut them out so we could repair and rebuild our foundation. He said he did this but apparently didn't entirely cut them all out and one of them wrote me long texts about how fat and ugly I am and no wonder I was insecure and had no idea why he was still with me. It gutted me, but we pushed through. We worked on our relationship and did some great repair work and communication and ended up dating a girl together and it was great. I still would get angry and struggled with trust and working through the hurt but I was actively working on it and seeking ways to minimize my negativity. I set us up a therapy appointment so we could have once a week to talk about things and then put it away. He told me so many things in that three month period - how there was no one but me, I was the best, he wanted me to be his last fling that lasted for 70 years.

Then one night he came home and said we were breaking up because he didn't think he'd ever marry me and that he'd gotten a job at the hospital I did my fellowship and was moving to the other side of the state to live with his parents. So he moved out and I stopped talking to him. Then he'd ask about stuff he left - he'd call me babe. Be sweet and i just remained neutral and asked him not to do that. Then he wanted to have breakfast - he missed me and wanted to talk. I relented. He kept saying that he wanted to try rebuilding because he thought we were meant to be and what we had was too amazing to let die. So we planned a weekend together. It started great, he talked about how excited he was when he'd hear from me. How much he loved me, meant to be etc, called me his girlfriend, talked to mutual friends about his and I plans next year. Then the next day we were at an event and I learned he had a fucking spreadsheet of women that he was casually dating and rating and one in which he was in a relationship with (poly) and that I was on this fucking list. That girl got super pissed he was spending the weekend with me and wanted him to choose. I said that if there was a choice that I'll make it and walk away. He begged me not to and said there was clearly no choice between her and I. But I was emotional and enraged that he would put me through this again, I tried to keep it in check because I knew that when I expressed negative emotion he would close off. I kept saying I was done and he kept saying he didn't believe me because I always said I was done. He pulled out a list of what he wants in a partner and showed it to me and it was me, everything about me. We parted ways the next day and he told me he loved me and he wouldn't give up on us. I left on vacation that day and barely ever heard from him. When I came back and he was being cold I finally called him and asked what was up and he said that he couldn't be what I need ever and that we will never get back together. Even though he loved me deeply. I asked him about that list and he was like "You gave me a great template of what to look for." So I told him that this was it, to not speak to me again.

Cue no contact - I blocked him and I sought to work through my grieving and how to deal with the hope that he and i could maybe work out but also to just move forward and on. Then he started texting. He thinks about me even when he doesn't want to - I pop up in his mind all the time. He told me he stopped choosing me every day and it was his fault for doing that. I wrote him a long email about how I appreciated that but I need space and time to cleanse and work on myself and forgive. He wrote me back about how his plan was to learn to be a better person that someone as great as me deserved. He said "We are going through a cleanse. Focusing on our flaws and faults separately so that when we come together we will be invincible." Then he called me after that email and told me how much he loved me. Told me he fantasizes about me all the time and how hard it is to get me out of his head. I told him I loved him but we still needed a lot of time. He told me how he wasn't sleeping with certain people that would ruin a chance to ever be with me again. We chatted occasionally and then decided two weeks later to maybe get a bite to eat. Hours before that dinner I find out he has entered into a relationship with another women and was considering one woman in which he cheated on me with. I was like "Nope, can't do this. I'm done." So he came over to a friends house where I was and told me that he thought when he moved back in a year we could see what there was between us but that he wasn't planning on getting back together. Or making me primary - or rebuilding what we had. I had misunderstood everything he said or that he didn't say it. He loved me but wasn't in love with me. I said "After five years you don't pull the in love or love bullshit - you have real actual love, so don't pull that shit." Which I pulled out his words and shoved them in his face and told him that there wasn't room for "misunderstanding" he just kept rambling that I misunderstood - and that we will never be together again, that I'm too negative and that he has others he is dating that have potential. I told him fine and to get out and leave as he broke my heart yet again for the fourth time. Our mutual friend sitting there told him he needed to stop because he was being beyond cruel and sociopathic in nature.

I texted him later that night and I said I didn't believe anything he said about him not being in love with me or that we'd never be together because he's flip flopped so many times it's like boy who cried wolf. He told me he didn't think I was negative - but he's sorry that I misunderstood that while he was expressing that he missed me and he wanted that back - that he wasn't planning on us. (I didn't get that) and he was "pretty resolute" that we will never get back together. At this point he was doing what he always does and he was shutting down and getting mean. So I told him to not contact me until he can be kind and honest because I was done with all of this.

That was two weeks ago and I've been a mess since. I don't know what is or isn't true, I miss him and love him and want my life back with him but not knowing up from down has me doubt everything. I'm going to a therapist, I'm on an anti depressant with a kick to help me focus, I'm working out. I'm allowing myself one day a week to stay in bed and cry and watch TV. I went to the shooting range for the first time (which was exhilarating since I'd never shot a gun) and am planning more. I'm trying everything to heal and avoid my anxiety over not knowing what is true. To get over missing everything about him (before this mess) to keep him out of my head. I'm struggling to deal with the fact that I'm not on top of my game and my normal driven self. I feel awful that this has dragged out now for two and a half months. I went on a date and the guy was nice but all I could see were red flags that he he might be like my ex. Because I live in this doubt that the last five years have been a lie and that my ex is a narcissist or sociopathic or so far gone on the spectrum that he can't maintain a healthy relationship and that I basically did everything. My therapist brought up a point that I can't believe what he says because he changes when he's deregulated and that his truth changes so much because he doesn't have any self awareness of himself. He said that I was doing nearly two parts of the entire relationship and it wasn't fair to me. He also said that I can't find trust in him because he has continually proven that his judgement is flawed and untrustworthy which likely stems from a lack of self awareness.

And rationally - I can see all these things and know them. But my love for him and what we had and how intense and wonderful it was makes me want to hope that maybe on his own he can develop self awareness. I think I know that a part of him wants that, he wants to be a better person - because I've seen him try and I hear it from him. But I have no faith he will do it because he thrives on the attention of others (due to a very lonely and neglected childhood) and can't ever seem to be content. He's comfortable doing what he wants because he's so attractive physically and gets away with so much. I also feel sad for him because I know he seeks substantial bonds with people but doesn't know how to form them and the only person he has formed it with is me (likely why he keeps coming back).

As unhealthy as it is, I want him to text me that he misses me because it'd help me know he's struggling as much as I am but I know he's just avoiding it by dating lots of others. Plus I know that it might send me down the rabbit hole yet again.

Then he texted me asking if I'd sent him some of his mail. I waited 5 days and just said "No. Not yet. will do." Then he texted that day asking for a set of our bondage cuffs and that he can't find his paddle. (which I don't fucking have). And I was gutted that he thought it was appropriate to ask this of me with no regard to how it might make me feel. It's the same pattern though - asking me about stuff to get me to talk to him, smooth things over, make them amicable. I cannot fall into the pattern again so I'm continuing no contact and refuse to respond, but I absolutely hate how much of a mess this makes me. That I can't do a single fucking thing with out being reminded of him or missing him.

phew that was a lot to type out, thanks for those who stuck around. I hadn't really written it all out yet because I wasn't ready to. I'm glad I have though now.


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