I feel like complete garbage.

I am a fucking mess right now.

I was at my BF's house, and it was 1:30 am already. I asked to be taken home. He begged me to stay. As a 25 year old living with her parents, they've wired me so that I can't break rules, resulting in me being a pushover doormat to my parents. I'm a 25yoFemale. And I can't do shit for myself.

I decided I wasn't going to break any rules, and asked again to be taken home. Oh, how I wish I hadn't. Or at least stayed until much later. We left. Everything was pretty OK. He was disappointed but still, chose to take me without complaining. and then it happened.

We killed someone's cat. More like I killed him. I'm a huge animal lover, and so is my BF. We both stopped in the middle of the road, in shock, crying our eyes out in panic, watching the poor guy through our mirrors. We couldn't believe it. But I knew all along. It was MY fault.

I did this. I never lie. He always asks me to stay over, I always decline. I always follow my parents' rules. I messaged my mother back at his place, explaining the situation and asking for permission to stay over in a spare room.

"It's inappropriate. I'm coming to pick you up."

I stayed outside crying, battling with her over the phone, while I really should have been by my BF's side, who ran into his house, probably to continue crying a bit more.

Needless to say, here I am, home. He ended up taking me, not saying a word the whole way while I argued with my narcissistic mother. "My roof, my rules". "You can do whatever you want when you're married and move away to your own place."

I am a struggling-almost-straight A student, got myself a scholarship because they wouldn't help me at all with school. I stopped working since I flunked everything the first time I attempted university on my own, working and paying for it myself. so No job, living at my parents' to be able to finish school once and for all.

4 years in a relationship and my parents still don't let me be alone with him or spend the day at his house. I can't do SHIT for myself and FINALLY IT'S COST SOMEONE ELSE. I feel like garbage. I feel like trash. I feel like a fucking loser. I feel like waste. I can't believe this happened and it was all my fucking fault. If only I didn't give a shit about my mother.

If I do whatever I want and ignore her, she stops taking me to school, ( which would be fine if I had money for busses, but no job? no public transportation ), she stops feeding me, and ignores the shit outta me, except to give me chores.

God fucking damnit. Tonight I'm the one who should've been run over. I seriously can't take this bullshit anymore.

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