Not in a good place

I'm a terrible student.

I've just finished a four year course in Biochemistry and found out I'll have to re-do my last year.

Even before I got into school, I told my parents I just wanted to have a career in music, and school honestly didn't strike me as appealing.

I've never been good at it, and I can't say I wasn't expecting it, I was.

Now that it's happened, I'm still finding it difficult to take it all in.

I feel awful, needless to say, my dad is disappointed.

I never wanted to do this, I never had an interest in it, I've basically been carrying myself along just hoping I could barely scale through and hopefully get to do what I enjoy and have fun doing.

That unfortunately hasn't happened, and now I just feel dead.

It's even worse cos of the perception other people have of me, I am not a smart person, nor am I in anyway reasonable gifted in anything. I can rap, I know how to do that, and that's it. That's all I can do. My friends and peers and schoolmates all for some reason think I'm some sort of high IQ wielding know-it-all, because I happen to be aware of things that I can only describe as useless information. I'm not an academic, I used to be good at school, but that was back when I had no idea what it was I liked or wanted to do. So now I have their expectations and views of me, and their eventual confusion to deal with bothering my head.

I've never been one for awkward conversations, and the next few months are obviously gonna be full of them. My parents have never rated music as something someone should do, and generally feel I have my priorities in the wrong places and can't focus on what matters, and to be honest... I almost agree, I hate these stupid passions and talents or whatever these people call them, I don't like that I was good enough at it to actually give myself the hope or idea that I could be something with it, cos really, how often does that happen anyway...

I'm just really tired, and I feel I'm about to break. I've always been one to try and be as positive as possible, and dance by the negatives with a sense of humour and a decent amount of sarcasm, a friend of mine once asked if I have ever gotten angry before in my life. But now. I. Just. Feel. Weak.

I didn't wanna come here to sob, but I figured tyoing this out would in some way make me feel better, as opposed to wailing on my social media and getting questions from people who I won't have the heart to explain things to, nor would I expect they'd have that much interest overall... And I'm really hoping it works.

I think I've ruined my life, I feel like I've only ever made mistakes, and I just don't know how to do anything anymore.

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