WHY CANT I UNDERSTAND MYSELF

I dont know if i've always been like this or i became like this but the thing is i've never had a boyfriend.. thing i totally ok with... 

but recently i've been better with how i feel about myself i have this kind of "rule" that is how can i be with anyone when im not event ok with my self, see i dont think its fair to anybody to be with someone if they have so many thing that dont even allow them to be ok with themselfs first but as i was saying i started to feel ok and boys started to appear in my life..

Recently there were this two boys im gonna call them adrian and agust adrian was a year younger than me and i loved all of his attention he was kind of wierd like me, by wierd i mean he liked thing like tarot and i dont he is a musian so he was more open minded than many people and he was so sociable and i felt like he would understand me better and wouldnt judge me like he would just get me but the moment i got his attention i didnt wanted any more is like i was incapable of accepting love like i liked the struggle, the game but no the attention at al i mean when i had it i had fun with it i loved playing it but when  he wanted to get serius i lost all kind of intrest in him like i dont if i freacked out or what and the moment he lost intrest in me i was dieyng to get his attention back like if i liked that he wouldnt give it to me in the mean time i met agust, he really liked me but i didnt even knew him so well i mean he got really intense about how he felt about me since the moment i met him i think thing that got me a bit scared but i was having fun and i never made him think that i felt the same way it was all in his head and the thing is i started to think that he liked more the idea of than me really because im pretty sure he dosent really know me if i asked him when its my birthday or whats my sisters name that are basic things he wouldnt even know i think he dosent even know im a vegeterian.. so yeah i got this idea that he was in love with the idea of me so i lost all intrest in him to because of that and because i recived his atenttion way to easy and i dont know the second he stoped looking for me and wanting to hang out with me i was going crazy overthink how could i get him back... i CANT understand why i neded to lose something to really start valuing what it ment to me.. its like im incapable of letting things get serius or of letting someone love me i know im always going to have doubts and stuff but why do i like them when they stoped liking me? is it wrong? or am i just scared of love and that makes me push them away and then i realise i dont  want to be left alone? please i need some advice what can i do i really want this to stop happening to me i feel like this only makes me hurt myself and drive myself crazy besides maybe even getting to hurt the people around my i dont know how to stop pushing people away.. i would really like to understand why i act like this but its so complicated i cant event figure it out 

User Comments
Anon-1

Hey! Although you feel better in yourself maybe you need to be free from a relationship for a while so you can work out what it is that you want.  Sometimes, being free of a relationship can really help you see what you want rather than being in one for the sake of it.