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I hate you. I love you. You cheated. You lied. You told me you were done with him. You told me those guys on your snapchat were nothing more than friends. I trusted you. I gave my all to you. I opened up. You had my complete energy, my existence was yours. And you ruined it. Your family loved me, and I loved them. We made promises to one another. You knew how uneasy I was, when it came to other guys around you, or even girls in your case. Everytime I left your dorm, I felt scared. What would happen when I'm not there to fulfill your needs? Well you showed what would happen. You showed all of your snapchat what would happen. Then you acted like I was crazy for being upset. I'm sorry I gave you my time, you didn't deserve it. Then for you to tell me about the 12 guys you have fucked since you went home from school, that's low. To come to me and say that cheating on me was a mistake, that losing me was the worst thing you ever did, you're a fucking liar. But now I'm feeling a darkness, covering me, changing who I am. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I can't watch wrestling anymore, not once I had gotten you into it. The music I showed you, the songs you downloaded because of me, the one you set as your ringtone, my favorite songs, are now nails on a chalkboard to me. I can't even go to any of the places we did, knowing that the entire time we were together, you weren't in it. You didn't care. The memories haunt me, the thoughts of all the times we had, the moments together. Like the one by the pond, where I opened myself up to you, where I let you into my soul and let you see who I am, where I asked you to take the dollar bill I had turned into a ring and make me a promise. That you were mine, for the rest of time. I can't afford a ring, and I'm glad I never bought one. I wanted you there when I graduated boot camp, I wanted you there forever. And now my life is in shambles, knowing that it never affected you. Knowing that I was an insignificant moment in your life. I hate you. I love you. I hate myself for being addicted to you. Please, let me live. Let me love. Let me forget you.
Heartbreak is a horrible thing, sorry you had to go through that. I have always turned these things around and used them as a marker of how I never want to feel again, then never let it happen to me again. If you look at it as an experience to learn from rather than dwell on it can transform a bad situation into something positive - that probably won't help but it has helped me in a similar situation.
Honestly killing myself would give me the best satisfaction I can get over her. I want her to go through the same way I have been feeling without her. I want her world to come crashing down around her. She's blocked my calls and changed her number but she calls me for help or relationship advice! I can't believe I have been reduced to feeling this way by someone I used to adore and would...