Self Reflection_2017/12/12

I'm a manic-depressive in his last years of university and sometimes I think that of all the time I've spent in school I could have been pursuing other passions of mine and taking risks in the real world opposed to passively learning how to integrate myself into a safe desk job. I want a family in the future, I want to experience the love and attachment you feel when you bring a life into this world. Although, in saying that I've also lost a lot of will to do so by taking this "safe" route I've imagined for myself. Along the way I've lost my health. I used to work construction, enjoy riding my bike, workout, practice martial arts, run, and still have to energy to draw, write, socialize etc... But ever since I've devoted myself to keeping a good grade point average all those things have pretty much been labelled distractions. I used to enjoy doing them and my wife thought I was the coolest person she met when we were dating. I felt cool, and I was happy to be that person she admired. I don't feel any of that now. She goes to bed with a man who’s lost the strong connections he once had with his friends, doesn't make time to enjoy his hobbies, and has gained so much weight he considers every action he takes to evaluate if he'll have enough energy to prioritize writing a paper later that night. A paper, I might add, that is essentially garbage. I mean what nonsense could I possible write that makes up for all the lost joy I once had in life.

Maybe this is just the rantings of a disgruntled undergrad whose age has finally caught up with him but I also have to ask myself that had I chose not to go to school would I still have developed the same negative opinion on life? That life is only good in your ignorant youth and the second you depart from that blissful state then all the shit comes crashing down and that’s the end to your chances of ever being happy anymore. Fuck happiness, its not the mantra to live by. Drudging through this depression with the will to find any reason to live becomes the ongoing objective that needs to be kept in mind because otherwise life is too dirty to consume. You can't live off shit, it's too toxic. God, but how would I have figured that out if I didn't seek after it in the first place? The Great Irony. The fucking Catch-22 that’s clever enough to convince everyone to enter the rabbit hole. Knowledge is a goddamn snare. How do you hold onto enough breath and have the will to live when the more you move foreward that snare tightens its life sucking hold? It becomes so encompassing that your every action turns into a move for relief. Relief in the form of relaxation when faced with sexual tension, relief from hunger, relief from the fear of instability, relief from loneliness and lack of love; if you consider love is just another form of consumption that drives the human spirit to move on. Again, I must ask myself, are these the truths by which I'm to acknowledge and live by or are they the ramblings of a distorted/depressed mind craving some intangible good that his current life can't satisfy because he’s lost all the joy he once had in life. A prior life I look back on that still left him feeling bouts of depression, mania and genuine suffering. Despite my great upbringing, I still find flaws and deficiencies that I attribute to the inadequacies of my life today. So let me redirect this train of thought to the quest for finding the good that we can in order to move on. Because isn't that ultimately the goal?

The quote, "The Pursuit of Happiness," a section written in the Declaration of Independence and reiterated in the conservative propagandistic movie played by Will Smith, places emphasis on the importance of the word, "Pursuit"--making the assertion that the only way to attain happiness is to constantly be in the pursuit of that goal. Is that what we're supposed to make of the meaning of life and the will necessary to live? That rings true for me, so amidst all my hurdles and losses I can always try to regain something from what I've lost and possibly acquire much more from life than I would have ever expected if I just continue to try and actively engage in that pursuit to find happiness. I won't find it passively languishing over my failings. I don't pity the depressed, I empathize and say this too shall pass, and if it doesn't--and you do meet your end, then I praise you for making that leap into the hands of fear with the intention of finding out what is on the other side of the veil. I look forward to finding out what you have discovered when it is my own time to pass on. Thanks for listening, this has been a nice exercise in self-discovery, meditation and typing--a skill I've wanted to improve. Thanks, Anon.

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