I hate myself

I have a a long story. So let us cut to the chase. I have experienced isssues since arouind 21 22 after I officallly moved out of my home state... My doc had me on my antidressant meds and had me see and shittt psychoist, who I eventually dropped after months of her never remember shit about me. And I wont lie, I was never really honest with her.... During the first meeting she asked me standard questions about my family and their names then dropped the bomb... have you ever been raped or molested.. I was mortified. I did an amazing job at acting completely offended... but I really was. Anways years later I am now seeing more help, a therapist, and another PA for my issues. I have officially been diagnosed with PTSD and dissasosicated personality disorder. Which I now understand because my first meeting with my theriapist... I was smiling and talking about my life like it wasnt me. I recently have receached out for more help... I dont want to crackle under these two treating me... I know if I start to cry I wont stop... So I did a meditation exercise.. it told me to drop my walls and I did. And the result was horrific. My chest felt like a God was squeezing the life from me and my own eyes betrayed me and flowed with tears. I immediately stopped the exercise and calmed it out, it was at this point I KNEW I need this dissasociated personality to save me, to take care of me, to make sure I stay whole. I dont really know where I am now. I am on a ton of meds... but by the God's I still hate myself. I always have. I'm a twin and technically the youngest, but I CANT forgive myself for letting the abuse happent to my siblings, I should have taken it all for them. I have enough pain, I wish I could have taken it ALL. My siblings and I are so messed up. Thankfully my tiwn doenst remember much of anything but my middle child=brother does. And he suffers. I dont think as much as me because he has a family but nearly as bad as I. I hope I can be Fixed. I think of myself as a Devil. 

User Comments

Tell this to your therapist.  There is no point hiding things as you will be consumed by them.  I wish you the best for 2016 and know that there is hope but without the whole truth they will be unable to help you. Best wishes.