Isn't it funny how you rewrite your opening sentence for your story a few times before the perfect words come to your head. ? Its kind of like life, it takes a few experiences to really understand it. 

I can't really write every detail or the exact way the event took place but I want to share just a piece of my jigsaw puzzle, because the worst feeling is being and feeling alone, trust me..I know. 

 

It started off when I was 16. Primetime of your life am I right? Well not for me. 

I lived with my grandparents most of my life and did up until I was 17! 

I had a great home life, everything plus more you could ask for, (cause every grandparent spoilts their first grandchild) but high school was a downer. I wanted to be popular and look beautiful like 'them' , fit in just a little more. I had some great friends, but I always thought I could be at the top. I was close, but never quite close enough. One day after walking home from school, I got home and my Nan was upset. She never showed her sad side she was always happy, so I knew straight away something was up. We sat down with s coffee and she said, you need to ring your mum (I disliked my mum for choosing a man over me) so I asked her why.... She has cancer. I spat my coffee everywhere and immediately called her. To my horror it was true, stage 4 aggressive breast cancer still unknown if travelled anywhere else. It was like my heart was throbbing, I could feel it through my skin, my hands wouldn't stop shaking and I was beginning to feel breathless. My mum? Alls I ever wanted was my mum and now she could die on me ? How much regret? Why her ? Fuck, why is this happening? It can be fixed, can't it? Google it? So many questions raced through my head at once, I couldn't focus, I had to let those tears run out. I had to grieve for us all, for my younger brothers and sister. The days following were like a blur, we went to stay with her but it didn't seem real until he first chemo. We all went, sat there, watching a drip pump more toxins into her body to stop the cancer from spreading before surgery. I had to be strong, and I was. The next time was surgery, to remove one side. I love you mum, you will be fine, cya soon was the last things I said to her not knowing the outcome. Nan was a great support for me aswell, she comforted me and always reminded me she would get through this, bloody hell I have to go before my own daughter ! After surgery we were told they had to remove all her lymphnodes because it had spread but they thought it was pretty successful along with more chemo, radiation and pills. 

Half way through treatment she lost her hair, I was working at the time so I decided to run a fundraiser for her out the front of my work. If I raised $1000 I would chop my long blonde hair, and sure as hell I raised $3000 plus prizes for the raffle and I shaved my hair. 

It kept me positive through it all and I did it in her local town were she was born, even ended up in the local paper. 

I'll never forget one day coming home from work (I had to leave school to support my family ) nan and pop were getting ready to leave to go the docs, I asked to come , it was just a check up for nan. 

I insisted, and I got my way and went along. 

I wasn't allowed in, so I waited.  And waited, and waited, it was longer than a normal app. 

Finally, the door opened I jumped up and asked what's going on, both upset I asked again, what's going on. 

Nan was diagnosed with pancreatitis. I cried then and there, I couldn't stop. This was wworse, my worst nightmares came true. 

2 months later , mum is in recovery and we find out they misdiagnosed nan, she has pancreatic cancer and its aggressive. 

How long Nan? Do you no how long I went over how to ask this questions to her? How many tears I cried before I could say it without breaking down? 

6 months.....my heart stopped, I panicked, I couldn't listen. I refused to hear it. My whole life came crashing down. I couldn't work, I couldn't talk to friends, my family was being destroyed. That's when I started drinking, mixing with the wrong crowd, my escape. I was turning into the unknown, my rock and Bestfriend and my second mum was going to die, just like that!!! My depression hit hard, I was dosed up with antidepressants just to numb it. I lost control, and nan got to sick for me to stay. My life was spiralling infront of me. This is it, I can't live without my nan and she's gonna go soon. Nan asked me to go back to mums, she was getting to sick. So I did, and drugs became my friend. I had lost ful control by now, and just when all hope was lost I met someone who changed my life and future. 

Nan held on, mum was recovering and guess what I was expecting my own bundle of joy. At just 17, my life was about to change even greater than I could've dreamed. 

Pregnancy was tough, lots of complications, we were homeless and living in caravan parks while our stuff piled up in storage. It was 8 weeks til I was gonna be induced and we finally got a house through a friend and nan came to help move (while she was very ill) I remember her sitting out the front, knitting a blanket for my little girl saying how beautiful the view is, it was the last good memory I had of her. 3 weeks later the angels were calling to my nan. II rushed up to her, stayed by her side, in the house we made memories and I grow up in, while she took her last breathes in her bed, in our home, I was there. I saw it all, saw the body reject itself, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and will ever be for now. 5 weeks to the day my daughter was born she died. Before she died I told her to send ladybugs and there was a ladybug in my room on the third floor in a hospital (no windows) that was her.  I now have two beautiful children and I always talk about her to them, not one day goes by were I don't grieve, she's always there though.....how do I no, my kids tell me so !!!! We sure do have a guardian angel!!! 

Love you Nan, thank you for making me a decent human being and teaching me what love is. Xxxx in my heart forever more, until I hold your hand again. 

P.s my mum is doing great! 

User Comments
Anon-1

Glad your Mum is doing good and I'm sorry for the loss of your Nan, I know how hard that is but I'm glad you are ok.  Best Wishes.