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I wish I wasnt the only one to post here cuz I sure could use some feedback...
well here goes. even though I have decreased the amount of use drastically the fact that its not 100% is a significant enough problem to need to be delt with. a girl who used to live here but moved to another place a few months ago n got her shit together really disappointed me a couple nights ago. she is here for some court things I think till the 11th. anyway couple nights agi she showed up here at my place at 3:00 in the morning...my bf was down at the neighbors so the door was unlocked..I woke up to her in my bedroom..so I got up n asked whats up....she pulled a pipe out of her purse. she went to hand it to me and I refused. i told her I didnt want it she got irritated n said "are u serious" n i said ya im serious ..I said I didnt ask to be woke up n it was 3 am n I wanted tosleep. she had some girl with her who was telling me how she is getting ready to go toprison for ten yrs for her second automobile theft charge... she said she stole a rent a car...because she idk walked by it or something and noticed something in the back seat of value...n once she got inside she found 60 dollars and the keys in the center console so she took off in it. she ended up crashing into a house leading to her arrest. I asked her if she was drunk ...how did she crash into a house...she said no I was doing 114 and rounded a corner n the car didnt handle it well..I asked her why she would steal a car an end up doing ten yrs in prison...she said she was tired of asking her mom for rides and being called names by her mom...I decided it was best for me to just drop it at this point. they left a few mins later and I started to think ( well next day cuz I went right back tosleep) ...are these the kind of ppl I really want to be around? do I want to end up in prisoneventually for something stupid...and whats up with my "friend"who was doing so good...I honestly envied her and wished I was as strong....n here she is at my house at 3 am with dope an mad cause I didnt want it? if I were in that situation I would be happy the person refused it...
so is she really a friend?
now I have known for a while now that I really wanted to quit. but now its serious. I want to / need to be completely done . not even a once in a while if its free user...
I have been waiting to hear back from someone who offered me a part time job. I am in dyer need of this job. it would really help us to survive with a legitimate means...but I havent heard from him in a week...I called n left a message this afternoon. I will give him a couple more days.
if I dont hear back from him i am going to find a way to check into a 30 day rehab. the one ive been looking into u have to show up every morning at 8 n see if a bed is available...if not u go back the next morn. I dont have any way to get out there every day at 8. I am gonna talk to my dr that told me about it and see if there is any way other than that for me to get in or if there are any other facilities that take my insurance..
I am done..I firmly believe this shit is killing me..I think it is partially responisble for some of my depression. I know I have had depression since I was a teen before I started using anything but I think its worsened by substances..
I dont care what other people around me do...I am going to put an end to this for me.
I will find a way to remember all the bad once im clean and start to crave it again...last time I forgot the horrible stuff I guess ...cuz I didnt stay away.
if I have to write lists and hang them all over my house I will.
this is the last time ill quit. I wont be going back.
prayers and well wishes for my recovery are much appreciated
This ^^^ is a post I put on the site I journal on.. A year ago. Here is an update :
I have a million excuses for what I do. Its because I was sexually abused by 3 different men between the ages of 5-13. Its because when I was 15 my step brothers finally told on the man who was raping them since early childhood and their father who was selling them to the guy every weekend all those years. Our worlds were turned upside down. It could be because my mother abandoned me and moved to another state when I turned 16, leaving me to fend for myself. Maybe it was my ex husband, who introduced me to the coke, the heroin, and eventually the crack. Maybe it was because for the 5 years we were together he beat me so badly, and ultimately helped take my second born son from me. Or that I have not seen that son in 15 years. Or its just that after a 18 year drug career Im simply hooked and just cant give it up. The truth is, no one held a gun to my head. The choices I made, even though I had a nudge, were mine and mine alone. This is not the life I ever wanted or imagined I'd have. Its not like when I was a child I looked in the mirror and said,"Oh how I wish to be a drug addict and I think when times are tough I will sell my ass for food money"..I thought I was going to be a famous singer to be honest.
For the last 18 years though I have gone from one hard drug to another, always saying "Im gonna quit soon".I have been journaling on an anonymous website, to keep sane and get it all out of my head. Once in a while I look back and read through some of the entries. I keep finding one thing in common. I am always quitting. I am so tired of reading year after year the same crap. I am depressed. I am suicidal. I have bipolar disorder and Ptsd. So I get high to escape the depression and feel alive. But I dont feel so alive anymore. I feel like I am dying. Slowly. Part of me would love to go to my final resting place, and hope to be rejoined with my mother and father. But the other part of me doesnt want to die just yet.But every day I pick that pipe back up. Meth is by far one of the worst drugs Ive ever had the misfortune of being hooked on. I am what you call a functional addict. You cant tell when we meet face to face, just by talking or looking at me that I am an addict. I am not a tweeker. I pay my bills , then I get my dope. But I hate it. I hate what it has done to me. And most of all I hate what it did to my boyfriend. He never did drugs in his life till he met me. I tried to keep him away,my "friend" just kept saying, "let him do it". Finally gave up and gave him his first hit. He hasnt been the same since. He used to be happy, and sociable, and dance with me around the livng room.Singing, laughinig,talking. He cared about how he looked. He cared about me. Now, he barely talks, no more dancing or laughing. He lost at least 60 pounds over the last 4 years. He doesnt seem to care about himself anymore much less me. He hasnt spoke to anyone in his family for 5 years. I know he loves me, but seeing me selling my ass for food or Ill admit, for dope..has torn him to pieces. He, unlike me is a tweeker. He stays up for a couple or few days at a time, taking computers apart, fixing them, and putting them back together. I sleep alone at least 4 days a week. I dont stay up. I sleep every night. Might have nightmares every night, but I sleep. I eat. I dont tear stuff apart.
There is so much more I could write, but it would probably fill up 4 or 5 pages and I know no one wants to read a book about my life lol. So I am going to finish this up now. It is time for a change. Long overdue. I cant change my boyfriend, God how I wish I could. I wont leave him. But I have to change me. I am in the intake process for counseling and a therapy called EMDR for the PTSD, in hopes that if i get to the root of why I am a drug addict, I will be able to resolve the issues and hopefully resolve me and my need for drugs. It is so bad sometimes, the pain, the hate, the guilt, that I will cry while I am smoking the shit. Yet I keep picking the pipe back up. The intake counselor says they might not accept me into the therapy because of my habit. I dont think that is fair. They do drug testing regularly, so I am gonna ask them if they can let me in, and just monitor me with the testing, and if i keep doing it they can kick me out. I understand why they wouldnt want to treat me. Meds are a part of all of this and they want no part in helping me die if the meds collide with the meth.
I am going to try. Again. But a big part of me feels like in a year from now, I will be reading this story and crying all over again. Wishing I wasnt such a piece of crap, and could cut myself free from the shit.
I hope someone out there who is thinking about starting the habit, or just started, sees this and thinks twice. There is NO benefit from the shit. Not a single one. It takes the lives of its users and their loved ones and shreads them without a hit of compassion. I lost myself a long time ago. I dont know if I will ever get myself back. I am sure some parts are gone forever. But Im damn sure going to try. This time, if i succeed quitting, AGAIN.. I am not going back. Ever.
I don't dream anymore
I don't smoke anymore
I don't even have a story anymore
I'm ugly without you
I'm dirty without you
Like an orphan in a dormitory
I don't want
To live my life anymore
My life stops when you leave
I don't have a life anymore
And even my bed
Becomes a station platform
When you leave...
The reason why I'm writing in this is not only for carthatic reasons, but to also see if there is someone out there who would understand the obscurity of the knotted bundle of thoughts that comes and goes every so often in my mind. I know you're probably thinking that everyone is like this and that people usually often figure things out and everything is okay at the end. But that happens...