I Am Terrified

I am a 20 year old man, I am named Nick, and I live every day behind a mask of happiness and tranquility.

Beneath that mask I am a wreck, I hide because I can’t stand the thought of the people around me worrying. I see people every day and hear them talk about their futures, they say words like independent and “free” and when I hear those a knot forms and I want to cry. When I hear those words I think of being alone, being lost on a road with no signs and no light to guide me. I am terrified of the thought of being free because my thoughts tell me that freedom brings nothing but loneliness.

My best friend, the person who I have stood by my entire life wishes to go off and live his life and every time he talks about it I want to grab him and shout “don’t leave me”. But then I realize that he has to, that I can’t hold him back simply because I can’t stand on my own.

So instead I laugh, instead I smile and tell him I can’t wait either. But I am lying, I am afraid to be free, I am afraid to be pushed from the nest, I am afraid to take a leap of faith because when it comes right down to it I am too afraid to trust myself.

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