It's not my fault.

When I was 7 my parents actually got a divorce which had been an incredibly long time coming. It's hard to remember a lot of it clearly as it was a bit over 10 years ago, but I know how much they fought and I definitely know how much of it they both took out on me, their defenceless daughter. For years after that both of my parents told me it was my fault, if I hadn't been around they would've been happy, and that having me was the biggest mistake they ever made. Both of my parents, although more so my mum, were physically and emotionally abusive towards me. My dad stopped a good few years ago, and recently he actually apologised to me for everything he had done. I don't know if I can forgive him though, I don't love him like a daughter should, I want to, but I just can't.

Because of the shit that they put me through I became incredibly anxious and depressed, and I still am, although I'm getting better. I only made a few friends when I was 16, before that I had literally been alone for years because I couldn't bring myself to talk to others, and even if I had tried, no one wanted to be around the freaky, depressed, crazy girl. Everyone, even my teachers at the time assumed I was the problem. My parents are both very middle class and respectable, so no one doubted their word, and everyone just assumed that I was a problem child. 

I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it's not my fucking fault, I didn't ask to be born, I was just a child, and they were supposed to take care of me and love me, but they couldn't do that, so they shifted the blame onto me, making my life hell for no reason other than their own failures.

User Comments
Anon-1

You might benefit from a survivior's support group. If you're in the UK, there's an organisation called NAPAC, currently rolling out support groups for people who were abused in childhood. I recommend them. I have recently completed one. It doesn't solve everything, but it gives you a supportive network who understand what you're going through. www.napac.org.uk

I took am having trouble with forgiveness. Good luck with your journey. Keep your mind busy, focusing on positive things you enjoy, and you will achieve great things, I'm sure. x

Anon-1

You might benefit from a support group. I have recently completed a course with www.napac.org.uk. It's free and very supportive. Check it out. It gives you a support network, with people who understand, and will help you work through your feelings. x