Things were going really well...

I have recently moved cities and am currently commuting 3 hours a day to get to work. A job that I no longer feel passion for and quite frankly feel under appreciated and over stressed, when I'm there. 

 

I am living with my boyfriend of two years, at his parents place. While his house is being built.

 

The commute leaves me drained. I get home and all I want to do is sleep, but I also want attention from my SO. When I don't get the attention that I want I assume there's a problem between us. 

 

He is also commuting for work and is probably just as tired as me. 

 

We have moved to his hometown. So he has plenty on friends here and I am new to the area. I have gotten to know everyone at weekend catch ups here and there, but now we see them every week.

 

He has plenty of female friends. One is his best girl friends and also someone he use to see 8-10 years ago. She has a great sense of humour and they always have a good laugh together.

 

Last night, we were at her place for after work drinks and she brought up that she had his belated 30th birthday present in her room.

 

They went off to her room and I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy knowing they were alone together. 

 

Another friend that was sitting next to me told me what she got him. A worm farm. 

 

It's a perfect gift for him. Very thoughtful of her to get him something that he will definitely make use of. 

 

So, again, another pang of jealousy hit my chest. All I got him was a massage, to distract while the surprise party was being set up.

 

I brought it up with him. "That's a good present. Better than a massage. More special."

 

He instantly caught on that I was jealous and we left soon after my comment.

 

The trip home was quiet. We went to bed without a kiss or a cuddle. I woke up in the morning feeling like I had no sleep and it started all over again. 

 

I questioned him about our relationship and he tried to let it pass. I badgered him. Hinting to start a conversation.

 

He finally responded with "don't talk about this anymore. I'm sick of it"

 

He drove me to the station to get the train to work. The first part was quiet and then as it always goes I apologised. 

 

This time  he said "I don't think you are sorry. This is a vicious cycle" 

 

After some tears I apologised again. Once we reached the station he parked up.

 

He was so angry I thought he might be ending things. 

 

He he asked me for respect. He told me not to turn on his friends and to get over my insecurities about the present. He asked if I can even see what he does for me to try to help me and make me happy and that my work stress and self doubt is being taken out on him. He told me not to bring that home and to quit my job. 

 

I cried and then finally said "I'm sorry. I'm an asshole. I just always have something going on in my head and I say ideas out loud to you to try to work it out. I'm so tired and I feel like everyone is against me at the moment" 

He knows I'm insecure. I go through really bad times, especially when I have outside stress, that I really take out on him. I go into a jdefensive mode where I feel like he could be cheating on me or he's angry at me for some reason, when he isn't. 

 

I think all the worst possibilities and he hates that Id consider he could be this way. 

 

I just don't want to doubt him anymore.

 

I don't want to think things further than face value, but it's a big part of me to over analyse. 

 

He held me for a while before letting me leave the car. He told me not to be against him because he is only here to help me and loves me. 

User Comments
Anon-1

hey - sorry you feel this way. overthinking stuff is never good, your mind can run away with you and make you lose perspective.  Do you have reason to doubt him or the relationship or is it more your anxiety?