My Story: Abuse and Fearing Women.

This is a long one, so please bare with me.

About 3 years ago, I moved out of home for the first time. I had a small one bedroom flat, my PS3 and my TV, didn't need anything else. I was also in a phase in my life where I wanted to experience everything that I was sheltered from at home: Sex, drugs, booze, smokes... all of that.

I met this girl as we had the same dealer (to be clear, he was my mate before I found out he was a dealer). One thing lead to another and we ended up having sex on the regular. I always used a condom and she told me she was on a pill. A few times, the condom broke, each time, she told me not to worry as she was on the pill. She lied.

A couple months filled with nothing but sex, she finds out she is pregnant. I wanted to run, move countries, get as far away aspossible. But I decided to stay. I was 21 at the time and I wanted to stay and be a good father. That night, I flushed my drugs down the toilet, smashed my bong, and packed my things, to move in with her. I should of just ran.

She never did give up the drugs while she was pregnant. And I am not talking about weed either. I mean synthetic cannabis and the like. I tried to get her to stop by refusing to give her and her family money, as she lived with her parents. They ended up stealing my money as I slept for my night shifts. I confronted my girlfriend about it and that was the first time she hit me. It wasn't the last.

Eventually, we got our own place, but her family was constantlycoming over. By this time, my daughter was born. I would try to kick her family out, they would just force their way back in and she would beat me. I wasn't allowed to go see my friends anymore or go out drinking with the boys after work, as was tradition on a friday. My life was go to work, come home, clean the house, cook dinner, and sexually please her. I wasn't even allowed to jerk off or to fuck her. I was forced to finger her and lick her until she had enough. Occasionally she would shove things up my ass without my permission. And on severaloccasions, she raped me.

I never fought back, never let anyone see me cry. I carried on for two years, and then on my birthday last year, I had enough and I finally hit her. Only once, and I left. I then spent the next 6 months fight in the courts for custody, which I won due to a failed drug test on her part, though her family kept threatening me. I still live in fear. And she is still allowed visitstions which she never takes advantage of.

Back in December, I decided it was time to start dating (10 months after I hit my ex and left), so I made an online dating profile and met this woman. She is beautiful and sweet and we clicked on so many levels. So I asked her out for coffee, she said yes.

When we went out to coffee, at first I was nervous, as anyone would have been on a first date. Then when she arrived, this sudden feeling of fear and dread filled up in me, to the point where I couldn't look at her. I kept tripping over my words and I almost broke down in the middle of the cafe. I was so afraid that she would hurt me, though she showed nothing but care and respect. There was no second date made and I left.

I was talking to my mate, the only one I had left, and he pointed out, albiet jokingly, that I was like Raj from the Big Bang Theory. Looking back at all the encounters I had last year, I was eextremely fearful of women, I would go quiet around them andwouldn't speak, ordering takeaways was always near impossible for me as a lot of women in my town work as front of house staff, and in drive throughs.

That woman I went to get coffee with contacted me though. She was concerned as to what happened. So I told her my story, just not all the details as you see here. She came over to mine that night. We did not have sex, or kiss, she just cuddled me and told me everything will be fine. I ended up crying for the first time in years.

We still hang out every now and then, and I am slowly getting over my fear if women. My therapist, whom I see once a week now, has given me mental tools to help me gain my confidence back, and I have been using them. I still have issues with talking to women, but I am working on it. I have made huge strides, as my therapist would say, in the past couple weeks, but I know I still have a long way to go.

The only reason why I am trying to get better and more confident is the same reason I put up with that shit for two years. I am doing this for my daughter, she needs me at 100%.

Sorry for longish post and any spelling errors, using my phone.

User Comments
Anon-1

hey its great that you are making progress, that's awesome. My best wishes to you and your daughter x

Sounds like you are making progress and finding healing.  So pleased you have your daughter with you - you sound like a good father.  I'm sure you'll find the right person to be with in the end.  Kind regards.