The universe is a cruel mistress, those resigned to their fate provide her with no entertainment, and so she likes to torture them.
You made me happy, I never expected that to happen. I haven't been happy in over two years. But being there together with you brought it all back. I lowered my defenses, opened up the gate and let you in. You are the first person (apart from my therapist, and even he encounters far more closef doors) to walk the dusty, dark and ancient halls of my twisted mind since I was a little boy. As you explored the corridors filled with inky mists, you opened windows, letting in the light and driving the mists away. I even stayed joyful after you left, until you sent me that message anyway. You told me what happened was a mistake, you told me it shouldn't happen again and that we should go back to being friends.
In just one message, the first spark of joy I'd felt in so long was ripped away. I don't think it took more than five seconds to read, but in that time my walls grew higher, the gate slammed shut and the windows were bricked up. The dark tendrils rising from the deepest and darkest parts broke through the dungeon I'd built around them and took back the keep for themselves.
I understand why you said it. We have a good thing going, and a relationship would only disturb that and risk ruining it forever. I understand you want to play it safe, you don't want to risk it all and lose. I'm not like that. Taking risks is part of my nature, a ship is safest in the harbour, but being in the harbour is not what ships are for. I don't want to play it safe, I want to take the plunge and gamble everything we built on this, sure we may lose it all, but we could gain so much more.
Unfortunately you decided otherwise. I understand why, and I respect that decision. I will simply do what I have always done. I'll swallow my pain, my sadness and all the rest, and lock it away where it won't be found, deep within my walls, to be forgotten about until the next time.
Maybe one day I'll learn my lesson. Maybe one day I'll be able to keep my gate shut, not letting anyone blunder about, waking things that best sleep forever. I can only hope that one day a knock will echo throughout the empty halls, stirring the black fog that troubles me so, but that no matter how often the person knocks, there will be no answer.
Why do I have to be so awkward? I dont know why its even so hard to type my words out. I cant even do that without feeling like a waste of space.
My brain decides to send me to these dark places and isolate myself but then all I want is affection and love. Someone to be with who loves me. My brain just tells me Im not worth it and to hide. Sometimes I wish I was dead but in the way that I had jus...
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