Mindless ramblings

So, I'm not too sure where i'm going to start, or what I'm going to say, I think I'll just type and see what happens.

I'm a 21 year old male. That seems pretty robotic. I've been through bouts of 'depression' before, I say 'depression', looking back on it now I'm not really sure what it was, all those times are hazy. like a dream you're trying to remember but can't quite recall. And maybe, with time, I'll look back on these past five months and find them clouded by the same haze. It might get better, I know I should know this, but my mind can't comprehend the fact that there is any drive in life. I look at other people, they're all moving on with their lifes, but I'm just stuck here, getting left behind. 

I've been on leave from work at the advice of my doctor, i'm not really sure for how long at this point, I stopped keeping track of dates around October, it's easier if I take each day at a time, losing track of the date makes things easier, the moment I start thinking about my future, I start to break down. I could be at work, or with friends, or in bed, thinking about what I have ahead of me just cripples me. At this point I can only see myself in two possible scenarios. One is that I off myself at somepoint in the future, and the other is me being a coward, drawing out my sentence and die old and alone. I've been trying to find a path in life, something that I can be proud of, something that gives me a purpose, but at every single turn I find a dead end.

I flunked out of University three times, each being related to stress/anxiety/depression, but I think I just took the easy way out, it's not that I couldn't do the essays and exams, I just lost passion, and I don't think i've been passionate about anything for at least the past 5 years. Every time I think of a new challenged faced by me, I always get waves of fear. What happens if I screw up. Everybodys watching me, they'll think I'm useless, I am useless, fuck it. Normally it ends with me leaving whatever enviroment i'm in, just so I can break down without being seen. Trying a new sport, fucked that up and left. Gym? Too many people, fuck it, it's easier to lay down and cry at home. Motivation and perseverance are the two things I want more than anything, I just don't understand how other people do it. How can they work day in and day out and keep going. 

So at this point I realise this is probably just senseless rambling, but I'm just going to finish on a note which burns whenever it wanders into my mind. This may be me being a jealous, lazy asshole, but all the same, i'm just going to write, it'll probably be biased.

So all my life my sister has been a temperamental individual. She can be the most violent and poisonous bitch when she wants to be. I remember days when I wouldn't want to go into school (2 years older than me) because she would whisper to me things like she would make my life a living hell, and that my friends won't even talk to me once she talked to them. I'm sure these instances were spurred by typical 10/12 year old sibling fights, nothing I would think to be too malicious, but her responses were always so disproportionate. Me pulling her hair, fair enough not a nice thing to do, should'nt be followed up with such hateful things. Sharing a home with her for 16 years was bad enough, I would never leave my room when she was starting a fight with my parents, normally about not the buying the right food, or not being given enough money for shopping etc. I would always get pulled into these arguments, even if they had nothing to do with me. So yeah, wrote more on that bit than I wanted, anyway, skip forward to last year.

I had just left Uni again (for good) and she had moved back home from Cardiff.Naturally I get kicked out of my bedroom so she could have it as she needed more room. I can't be arsed to argue so i let it be. She had got herself a job, the same place a few of my friends work, and I found it slightly weird that suddenly, my sister was showing up wherever I went to meet up with these friends. Nobody else seemed to be phased, I guess it was the fact that I knew what she was really like. A few weeks went past and now she was going out with my friends and I never even got an invite. I was just replaced. One day, I was in my room, not doing a lot, and my sister was in her room sleeping. This is around early afternoon. My dog of 15 years started barking. I went down to comfort her, get her to stop barking, then went upstairs. I did this a couple more times, and then she wakes up. I honestly don't understand how somebody can retain such a rage everytime their sleep is disturbed. She yanks her door open, runs down the stairs screaming, and I mean full on primal screaming at this old dog to shut the fuck up. It was horrific, I was just sat listening in silence. Once her tirade was over, she storms back upstairs and slams her door shut, knocking down a picture I have on my wall. I hit my head against the wall lightly, but strong enough to make a 'SHUT THE FUCK UP' point, and then all hell lets loose. I get screamed at, I get told about vicious rumours that she had been hearing going amongst my once friends, that when I cut all ties, told me how worthless and pathetic my life was, how I was lazy and didn't work enough (I worked about 5 hours less than her a week at this point).

So now, she has the perfect life, shes moved to Austrailia with her boyfriend, travelling around without any cares or worries. They don't tell me much but I know my parents are paying her rent out there, and we're not exactly wealthy. It's just, all the malicious shit she has done, all the torment she has put me through, she gets exactly what she wants, and I'm stuck feeling empty and trapped. And I honestly can't think of a time where she has apologised to me for any of it. 

So yeah, sorry about that, went into it more than I wanted to, it's a pretty sore subject with me.

I really don't know if writing this has helped, at the moment I'm felling even shittier than normal.

User Comments

Have you tried speaking to a professional about how you feel? Sounds to me like you need some help so maybe that would be a good thing for you? sorry if you have, just thought it might help.