My Lonely Life

As I read through some of the stories here, I find it necessary to start off my story by telling you that my story doesn't have a happy ending (stealing that term from another story I read). I haven't discovered a way to turn my life around and I don't currently have a strong enough support system to lean on. So if you are looking for a nice story about someone changing their life, please go find another story.

All my life could be summed up by one word: lonely. I am an only child and my parents were never very emotionally available. So my early childhood was spent alone. Once I got into school, I quickly found myself as an outcast, never quite fitting in with anybody until around eighth grade. And even then, the people I called friends were really acquaintances. In high school I had some close friends. I went to an all-boys private school, so for all of high school I never made one female friend. Not a single one. I was never invited to parties or events that included girls and all the activities I participated in were through my school so I was never exposed to members of the opposite sex. 

Senior year of high school was coming to a close, and all anyone could talk about was Senior Week (a tradition where all members of the graduating class spend a week at the ocean. I planned a trip with a group of close friends and we went. It was one of the worst weeks of my life. Two of the friends staying with us were arguing and most nights would consist of them yelling at each other and one of them leaving. One night, it became too much for one of my friends. He attempted to jump off of the roof of our building, almost leaping over the edge before another friend grabbed him. We had to literally hold him down for hours until he would calm down and go to sleep. This traumatizing event would trigger my depression. Shortly after returning from the trip, I started seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed Lexapro. I took it as prescribed for a while and started to feel like the side effects were too much. So I stopped. My depression worsened and in January 2015, six months into my freshman year of college, I attempted to kill myself. I failed for several reasons (nobody found me, I just gave up after the initial attempt) and I uickly decided to go back on the Lexapro. My depression stayed pretty bad and when I felt it getting back to that point, I decided to admit myself to the hospital. I spent about six days there and came out with a prescription for Pristiq and Abilify and a much better attitude. This would last through the summer and first few weeks of the next year of school. 

I should take this opportunity to clarify that because of the symptoms of my depression, I came close to failing my classes three semesters in a row and I have yet to complete a semester of college, so I am technically still a freshman after two years.

At this point, at the beginning of my second year of school, I felt great. I was feeling good on the new medication, I finally had a good group of friends at college, and my attitude was still pretty good. Now comes the introduction of my next issue, my anxiety. I've had social anxiety basically my entire life. I've never been comfortable in social situations, mostly because I was never really exposed to them during my development. So now being thrown into college, the most social experience one can have, I was having a bit of a hard time. Even with my close friends, I found myself being the quiet one in the background, as I would always be struggling to say anything. When I start to feel anxiety, the thoughts get so overwhelming that my mind just goes blank. So we have a depressed, socially anxious individual who is also not that great looking. The basic recipe to be forever alone. That will come up later.

Partway through the year, I had used up my prescription of Pristiq and was waiting for a refill. I couldn't make it to the pharmacy due to a busy schedule so I convinced myself I would be ok without it for a couple days. A couple days turned into a week, which turned into several weeks, which turned into months. Over this time the depression and the anxiety would come in full force. I spent days at a time just lying in bed, only coming out of my room when my roommates were done with class to put on the appearance that I was doing fine. During this time, one of my friends became really close with me. They were going through some of the same things as I was and we bonded over talking about our issues and trying to encourage each other. I felt like I had finally made a real best friend with whom I could share anything. Around this time I was failing again and had to apply for medical leave for the second time. That would lead to me having to move home near the end of the semester, away from all my good friends. Although correspondance began very strong, particularly with my "best friend," it quickly started to fade. 

We've now nearly reached the present. After  nearly killing myself again , I was again hospitalized. This time I had a terrible experience in the hospital, finding the staff uncaring and the patients very unhelpful. I had to act like I was ok to get out of there and I got out with a new prescription for Wellbutrin and Buspar as well as a continuation of the Abilify. After getting out, I started going to weekly therapy. I've found some ways to deal with anxiety and keep my mind occupied, but once again I find myself completely alone. Recently, it's as if something changed in all my "friends'" minds and now none of them want to talk to me. Nobody ever texts me first and it generally takes them several hours to respond to me when I try to reach out to them. The one friend with whom I felt most close is especially not reaching out to me. I feel like I'm being abandoned and my friends are trying to phase me out of their lives. I'm probably being paranoid to an extent but I can't help but feel extremely alone right now. All that is paired with the fact that I'm still having suicidal thoughts and I can't get them to stop. I don't think I will act on them anytime soon, but they're always lingering.

This turned out longer than I expected and I'm hopeful I can hear some encouraging words. Thanks for reading.

User Comments

I know how it feels to be left behind by your friends. I guess I can't give you any encouraging words other than you're not alone.

Anon-1 I understand what your going through. Truly. The only difference is I avoided hospitals and prescriptions because I thought it wouldn't help. I'm currently now on prescription because it got so bad that I couldn't function and the pain was to much. It's easy to think your alone, but your not alone with the experience. Social anxiety is a pain in the ass and takes a lot of effort to get out of it, but it can be easy. I've been trying to get involved in events, and activities that I like, or might like. I try to get out and experience things and meet people. Meeting people takes effort (especially girls) but if you keep trying, even while the anxiety takes over, you will continue to meet people especially those who care for you. When I feel overwhelmed with depression and anxiety, I look for the most trusted person I know and tell them how I feel. That took me a lot of effort but I felt wonderful that I did. Nothing will come to you, but it will if you give it a chance and get out there. Best of luck to you friend.