A glimpse of someone you don't know

Sometimes I get lonely. Sometimes I get sad for no reason. Sometimes I feel depression had set in and has taken over my body both mentally and physically. Sometimes I write in notebooks, on blank pages hidden away. Messages to myself, general feelings etc. Why write them down? Do I want them to be seen? Found? Questioned?

I am one of those people who overthink things. All of the time. I think about the 'what ifs' about my past and the 'what ifs' about my future. I question how I got to where I am today and why certain things happened certain ways. I cling to my memories both good and bad because I feel that when I was younger, more foolish, the world revolved around me more. I was selfish, niave.

My past cannot be changed but that does not stop me from thinking about the people I've hurt (emotionally) and I'm ashamed to say it's more than one person. Old girlfriend's primarily fill that category , along with friends I was close to but have since drifted apart from. I have never really had that many friends. In school I was more Chameleon than Sheep. I would try to blend in with the crowd i was with that day and it felt almost is if I had a temporary pass to their friendship group. University provided more stable connections a friendships. Common interests and activities held us together through the duration of my time but in the end university finished. People moved away. People moved on. Now this is practically my fault in itself as I am a pain for keeping in touch and maintaining friendships. When I moved back from Uni and found some of the older friends I had had moved on and out of town I felt more alone. I integrated myself into my brother's friendship group for company yet still felt like I had no friends of my own. To this day I still feel this way. I have people I get along with, work colleagues and some people who have remained in contact with me. But a true friend? A best friend? I wouldn't say so. Yes I have a partner and we're in a happy relationship. Yes I now have a 2 year old daughter who means more to me than life itself. But... who can I go to for reassurance? Who would be Best Man at my wedding? Who can I just hang out with when life throws you a curveball? I am surrounded by family and the people I love yet I can't help but feel alone.

The present brings aspects of my past to new experiences. I have recently started a new job and obviously the joys of parenthood are developing before my eyes. My family makes me happy. I never want them to be sad, especially my daughter. Yet sometimes on my drive home from the office thoughts wander. "What if that HGV heading toward me swerved for some reason and hit me head on?", "What if a Deer sprung out and I hit it/lose control of the car?", "What would I say if I was in a car accident and managed to call someone as I lay dying in the wreckage". These are all some of the things which I've thought about recently. Now.. I am not suicidal. I know this for a fact. I could never inflict that to myself and I know the repurcussions on how it woulf affect loved ones. But is thinking of a guiltless death normal? Wondering if I would develop a terminal Illness? I do not fear death yet I'm not out looking for it. I just don't seem to care about it.

I find it difficult speaking to people about these feelings. What would they say? How would they react? What if they just brush it off? (Again with the overthinking). Sitting here at my desk late at night whilst my partner and child are asleep I actually do feel a little relief writing all this down. Knowing, maybe, someone will read it. Not that I think anything will change much because of it but just knowing my story will be read and possibly even related to.

I have no idea what my future will bring. How I will be in 5 years time and what sort of person I will continue to become. This year I will turn 30. Not young anymore but certainly not old yet.

I will worry about things still. I will make mistakes. I will get depressed again. But will happiness balance all of this? Can I concentrate on goals and apply myself, PUSH myself to new things?

 

This is only a glimpse into my mind at the moment. I don't think I could write down everything without it becomming a mess of words and poorly written refernces, let alone the constant to and fro'ing when I remember things or have ideas of what to put. So for now I shall leave it at this. A blur of facts about a person you don't know. A person who believes at some point he may have been somebody (In his mind at least)

 

User Comments
Anon-1

Thanks for sharing this - it helped me feel less alone in how I feel. 

I second that ^..I hate that anyone else feels the same way I do, but there's something about feeling like you aren't the only one in the world who feels this way, that eases the pain a a little.

I second that ^..I hate that anyone else feels the same way I do, but there's something about feeling like you aren't the only one in the world who feels this way, that eases the pain a a little.