Depressed, tired and lonely

I have struggled with depression all of my life. Had councilling when a teenager (which helped) but it never really found the root of the problem.

i thought all was solved when I met my current boyfriend. I feel deeply in love with him - or so I thought. He made me feel loved and happy. I used to laugh all the time. Things moved very quickly and he moved in together and I was pregnant within 6 months. My life changed the day I found out I was pregnant. I stopped smoking, drinking and chose early nights and productive days over staying out late and wasting away in bed hungover. He he didn't. 

I was promised that he would change when baby came. We would share everything, all the sleepless nights/nappy changes/feeds. We didn't.

he let me down when I was in labour. I was induced so was kept in hospital overnight and he was sent home. When things started to happen I was desperately trying to ring him. I got moved onto the birthing room alone and spent the really tough few hours (all without pain relief!!) alone. He finally turned up - stinking of booze fresh out the pub - literally just in time for the head to be delivered. I can never truly forgive him for that. His excuse: the midwife told him induction takes at least 24hrs. He wanted another night of "freedom"

he still hasn't changed. Our little boy will be 3 soon. I do everything alone. Pre-school visits, day trips to the zoo/farm/soft play. Walks up the woods. As well as working full time (40hrs per week) which totally exhausts me. He never helps out our child to bed or bath him. Rarely plays with him. He would rather work overtime to "support his family" or spend his free time down the pub.

everyone just says - if your that unhappy then just leave him. Easier said than done. I have no family local to me. No friends with room to put me up. I can't financially support me and my child. I'm just on my own - trapped!! If we didn't have a child together I would have walked out YEARS ago.

I don't love him any more. And he CANT love me. If me crying my eyes out in pure desperation for help and support doesn't get him thinking - nothing will.

so my depression is at a whole time high! I literally see no purpose in my life other than my child - who I love more than anything!! I don't know where to go if what to do. I also suffer from aniexty - have recently started taking medication from Dr to help with this. But this means that I am terrified of going out of routine (my child's mainly) For example he has to be in bed by 7pm or else I get tense and anxious. So just up and leaving our home seems too difficult.

i don't want to leave him for another man - I just want to get away from all the drinking and feeling disappointed And let down constantly!!!

its such a mess! I'm stuck. How to I get away??? Will I ever laugh if feel happiness again???? This is not how I want my life to be at all. I wanted a happy home with lots of children and fun family times. That will never ever happen whilst I am still here.

please tell me there is hope! PLEASE!!

User Comments
Anon-1

I'm so sorry to read how difficult things are for you at the moment.  There is always hope, no matter how desperate the situation seems.

I have found that I had to work on myself, my thoughts and learning to love and respect myself before I was able to deal with any other issues.  When I had done that I was strong enough to deal with the issues that had caused me to become depressed and could move forward.

I do know that medication can take several weeks if not months to start working effectively, if you feel it isn't then I would go back to your GP.  They are there to help you.  Also, although your family are not close by they are there - try contacting them for support as that always helped me even though they were far away.

There are people out there who care and want you to get better, never lose sight of that but until you make the change inside yourself it is difficult to move forward.  It is often difficult to be proud of yourself and notice the changes you are making but by asking for help and expressing how you feel you have made a step you should be immensely proud of.

Stay strong x

Anon-2

I hope that you see this message, lady writing this.

My heart really goes out to you. It must be horrible feeling so alone and raising a child. If it's any consolation it sounds as if you are a doing a great job, giving up your "vices" for your son, then spending time with him to help him grow and learn.

I hope that you were able to find a service through here to go and talk to someone who can explore what options you have. Never feel like you have no options. You can find support for housing, you must be able to relocate to be nearer to your family, even though it's not easy. Try talking to your immediate family and asking them to listen to you, explain how desparate you feel. Bottling everything up and feeling so alone must be so hard.

There IS hope. It starts with you acccepting you DESERVE BETTER. xxx

Anon-3

There is hope. There is ABSOLUTELY hope. There is ALWAYS hope. There is better; no matter how good or bad things are, there is "more" and "better." I hope for the absolute best for you. 

Anon-4

I don't know what to say about your boyfriend. It sounds like he wasn't ready for this stage of his life, and isn't very responsible. I can't speak to how hard he tried, but I'd like to echo some of the earlier comments in that you really, truly need to learn to love yourself. You've made such sacrifices and been so strong for the sake of your child. You need to realize what a wonderful person you are.