Just a Quick Message

This sounds so silly relative to what a lot of other people are posting, but I could use the support. Things are alright, in general, except that I need to go to the doctor's. I've got a visit scheduled early this coming week, and to be honest... I kept this back on the phone, but I'm not sure I can wait that long. I might have to go to the ER.

I'm in my thirties. I have problems with erectile dysfunction. I have for years. Lately though, it's gotten a lot worse. When I... self-serve... it is excruciatingly painful. It feels like muscles are cramping and tearing apart in my lower body, and recently my upper abdomen as well. I'm starting to get indigestion and heartburn, which were never problems before, and coughing or breathing deeply... it causes the same kind of pain. I had an infection, years ago; I had sex while drunk with a girl who put something in my drink. It feels ridiculous to say; she was 19, I was 24, and she was hot as fuck. Disturbed, but hot. I'd have had sex with her willingly... or, maybe not, because I think she had "something." I didn't get checked at the time.

I'm a diabetic. That's relatively recent news. Well, my feet are numb... partly, but chronically, all the time. I can't tell whether or not I'm wearing socks because it feels like I have them on regardless. My legs swell up to twice their normal size whenever I eat or drink... anything, it feels like. I didn't take care of myself when I was younger, and now I feel like the things I was expecting to have happen in another 30 years are starting to happen already. 

I have nerve problems and muscle pain all over my body, intermittently. Just... ugh, I know this is a ramble, because honeslty I've got a dozen different seemingly unrelated things I should have gone to the doctor for over the last ten years, and I haven't been for any of them. Now, I think something is catching up to me. I don't know what it is, and it terrifies me; I'm scared of the doctor. I'm scared of what all might be wrong. I'm scared of talking to my family about this. I've been pursuing this girl; she's fucking awesome. A great friend, maybe something more... 

...but an irresponsible youth is catching up with me, and part of me is simply resentful. I barely did anything as a kid, and the only thing I indulged in... comfort-eating... now it's biting me in the ass. I'm wondering if I should cut things off with her in case I've got a serious condition. I don't want to be a burden on anybody else; that's probably the thing that scares me more than anything else, the thought that I'll need to be taken care of for the rest of my life. With the way I'm feeling, growing steadily worse and more pronounced in so many ways... I've never been a hypochondriac. The only time I ever thought I had a serious problem before was when I insisted, despite my doctor saying all was probably well, that I was diabetic.

I just had "a feeling." Turned out I wasn't wrong. Now the imagination runs wild.

Here's to hoping it's just a stomach ulcer and cramps. And indigestion. And water on the knee. And... at least a few other things.

User Comments

Go to the doctor. Find out what's wrong. I know you don't want to be a burden, but I'm sure that... if there are people in your life who care about you? And it seems like there are... a girlfriend, at least? They'll help you with the costs of a doctor's visit, if that's a problem. Just spill everything, and take things one step at a time. It might seem like next to nothing, but trust me... it's better than waiting until you've got even more steps to take. 


Best of luck with the doc's. Like you said, here's to hoping it's nothing... and you know, it very well might be! I wouldn't wish anything severe on you, or on anyone else, ever. This is a really common anxiety I think. Just... chin up, and go through with it. If something is wrong... hey, it's amazing what they can fix nowadays! Problem for decades? Gone. Seriously... there's a light at the end of the tunnel that you might not even be heading towards anyway :D