I wouldn't change it...

Even though it hurts, so much, I don't think I would change reaching out to say hi to you again after all these years. I was a girl when I let you walk away, because I thought it would be better for you. I was wrong. I should have fought SO much. I can't regret NOT fighting for you, because I love the children I had without you. I love the person I've become in your absence. And because you love your wife, and finally, you're happy. At least, you say you are. 


I'm angry though. I don't understand how you can be happy when you have to be filtered around everyone you know. We were NEVER filtered with each other. We were each the other half of each others' brains. To know that.. she doesn't appreciate you when you're being silly or snarky. To know that you can't make random sarcastic commentary. To know that you've had to change so much and suppress so much, hurts me, even if you say you're happy. 


I'm guilty, because part of me hopes that after the last three days, when she gets home, you can't help but think of me. I feel like I'm a horrible person for that. And yet, I can't change it. 


I only -ever- wanted you to be happy with you as you are. You wanted the same for me. 


18 years later I reached out to say hi. To say you look happy and I was glad. It just opened a door, that I didn't know still existed. I thought I was fine. I thought I'd healed and moved on. I was wrong. Instead.. it was like finding the other half of my brain again. Quick quips, snarky playfulness, that turned into banter... that turned into flirting. Both of us said we needed to stop it. To pull back. And we did... until we didn't. Until we established a .. parameter.. where generally we are just casual friends who are careful to not speak of anything we wouldn't in a public gathering with family, but have the option of running unfiltered with "anything goes". Which was still... ok. We were being careful to not indulge in hypotheticals. We were being cautious to not.. cross those emotional boundaries. Until she went out of town. 


I've had you for the last 4 days. All mine, even knowing that you're not REALLY "mine". I walked into it with my eyes wide shut, apparently. I got used to being virtually tucked in. To waking in the middle of the night to snuggly texts, and cuddly actions. To speaking to you on the phone. To watching you during facetime chats. I didn't know that I could get so used to it in such a short time. Four days shouldn't have done this. Shouldn't have reduced me to tears and pain. But it has.


She comes back tonight. I'm pretty sure that, 20 minutes ago, I hung up with you for the last time. For my heart's sake, it NEEDS to be the last time. I just.. don't know how to walk away. I don't know if I can.

User Comments

So sorry you feel so bad.  Heartbreak is an awful thing to deal with and I hope you can find some peace with it soon.