I Want To Be Happy and Healthy

Today started out decently. I got up and I could tell I was stressed, but I was able to calm myself down with some breathing through my nose. I notice now that I am breathing through my mouth which seems to add to my stress which makes the depression worse. I cried a little bit today. I mostly feel pain, both physically and emotionally. My stomach does not seem to work properly. It does not send me hunger pain signals when I know I should be hungry. I think it is because it is all covered in stress. Today could have been worse though. I made some progress. I didn't quite spiral out of control. I still made it to the pickup soccer game I said I would attend. I do enjoy those games, but it seems to come back to haunt me. I get extremely tired afterwards and I probably don't make the best of decisions. Instead of refueling, I kind of sulked and layed on the couch. Eventually I did get up and got a nutrition supplement drink, which helped. I am worried about my weight. I never used to be. I am under weight for sure, but worrying about it makes it worse. Instead of tackling my problems, I seem to cower in fear, at least today. Sometimes I know what to do and sometimes I don't know what to do. I don't want to be desperate. But, I think I am getting more desperate. I have a good life. I have a good job. I have a wonderful family. My dad is amazing and my mom is amazing too. I am a little distant from my brother, but when we are together I feel like we are brothers. I have the best girlfriend in the world. I feel like I am letting her down though. I think she wants to get married, but I am scared. I am really scared that if we get married, I'll go crazy. Legitimately nuts in such a way that we might not be able to stay together. Not because she won't care for me, but because I won't be able to keep it together. I don't want to put her through that pain. But, she is amazingly supportive and I do love her. I want what is best for her. I want her to be happy, truly happy. She sacrafices so much for others, I want to be the person looking out for her best interests. Sometimes I ask, what is wrong with me? Is it my weight? Is it mental? Am I psyching myself out? Am I really ok, but I am making a bigger deal out of this? Sometimes I want someone to just come to me and tell me that it's not my fault. I sort of feel like this depression I feel is my fault. It is difficult. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I was dead. I think I truly believe that, but what keeps me going is that I know that there will be good times ahead. I know that I will cause my family so much pain if I were to die. I know that if my parents died I would be devastated. I'm in pain, I don't like it. God helps those who help themselves. I need to help myself. I am seeing a therapist, which is good. That is something in the right direction. I really am an amazing person. I'm extremely smart. I am a nice person. I am athletic. I have a lot of attributes that many people are jealous of. I make more money than most families. I truly am blessed, which I think is why I struggle with this. I recognize how good I have it, and yet I am not happy. One thing to note, money does not make you happy, but it does help. I can't even imagine being depressed and broke. I can barely keep it together now. aslkfsdlkjfsdalkjsdfalkj I am going to try to meditate now.

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