The Gist

Everyone feels put upon, right? There are days when you feel like the whole world is out to get you. I don't know if it's depression, or coincidence, or fate, but lately I've been feeling like that's the story of my life, with no alleviation.

It's hard to pinpoint specifics. I've never had a job last for more than three years, and I've never left a job cleanly. Generally, I've no idea what it is that I did wrong. I've had managers simply accuse me of stealing, and fire me. Once, I had a manager tell a supervisor to hang out with me outside of work, because I'd expressed interest in being friends; I hadn't, but when she started to act interested, I returned it. I invited her over to my place a couple of days a week for pizza and movies, asked her out for coffee, and tried to take her out to interesting places. She turned out to be an immature, anxious individual with a panic disorder and an undecided sexuality--all of which my manager knew, but I promptly had my hours cut for "harassing" her. Worst case scenario, I was a little frequent with my invitations to go out. I thought she ws genuinely interested. I didn't follow her, harass her, bring shit up at work, or stalk her; I still, to this day, don't know where she lived at the time, we always met at my place.

Shoulda been a red flag, I guess. Oh, and then there's the time I was fired for masturbating in the bathroom at work. I suppose I should say, for the sake of being unambiguous, that I wasn't. I came in one day with a sour stomach, and spent 10 minutes in the bathroom at one point. This, like several other incidents, smacked of being the culmination of an oppportunity based on a long-standing desire to terminate my employment. 

Speaking of relationships, though, I've had so many fall apart that at this point I can't get it up, and I'm not sure there's any use even in trying. When I was 27, I met a girl that I wound up living with for 3 years before shit fell apart; aside from being my most successful relationship to date (I'm almost 40) it was the first time I'd actually lived with a woman. It's been almost seven years since I've been with anyone. I've had the odd chance encounter and a few moments of interest that felt mutual, but at this point I don't trust my own instincts, and then there's that whole inability to "perform." For all I know, that'll fix itself given the opportunity, but I'd rather not go through that kind of a humiliating experience. I'd love to see a psychiatrist, or a urologist, but I don't have the money to do it, and I don't have a car. 

Hell, I don't even have my license. I relocated fifteen years ago following the loss of a factory job in my old home town--they decided to cut third shift, and by the time I found out, there were no second shift positions left. When I went to the DMV in my new state of residence, I was told that I didn't have to worry about my license until it was ready to expire, which was two years down the road. I should have inquired further--that's a regular thing, by the way, a lot of "why didn't I think of that?!"--and, of course, when I went back a few months before I was due to expire, I was told I'd have to re-test, since I didn't make the switch within six months of relocating. Fast forward to today. I've taken my road test eight times. I can't parallel park to save my ass. I'm literally doing everything perfectly, every time, but I can't parallel park, and that's failing me. Every time, I bump something, or I'm too far from the curb, and that's it--one shot, done. 

I have two two-year degrees that I had to fight to get. One's an English degree; they tried to hold it hostage, citing non-payment of something I was never told I owed until my degree was itself due; joke's on me for going to a for-profit online university, right? The other degree was acquired more traditionally, but I had to fight tooth and nail after a car accident to get an extension on some of my schoolwork. So, here I am... Business Management and English. Two-year degrees. Arguably, I'd have been better off taking the money, feeding it into a wood chipper, and selling it as sofa stuffing for wealthy people. I tried to pursue a third degree, in Networking... as in computers. Great idea, but after a semester with a lousy instructor, I was one of five students who complained to the Dean and got the man fired for all but sabotaging an intro to programming class. Smashing, right? Guess whose financial aid paperwork was mysteriously misplaced at the beginning of the next semester?

Life's a mess, right now. I'm out of shape, I don't have a car, I don't have a job, I can't focus, I may be diabetic, I can't pay my own bills... the bitchfest goes on, and at this point everyone's tired of hearing it. 

If you're still here, thanks for sticking it out with me. I am working to fix things, and I'll post about that some other time, but I needed to rant right now. 

User Comments

A few years ago, I was in a situation much like this, though it doesn't sound like it lasted as long for me: one day, I had a random job offer in response to a forum post I'd made more than two years previously, and suddenly I was working for a small business that was just getting off the ground, making more than twice what I'd ever earned per hour before.

It was the craziest coincidence, but that does happen: J. R. R. Tolkien, author of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, once noted that the English language conspicuously lacked a word for the opposite of "catastrophe," or the sudden and dramatic change circumstances from bad to good. 

This probably isn't the most helpful thing to say, but you're in my thoughts. Know that someone else out there understands what you're going through, and cares about where you're heading. I wish you the absolute best; stay strong until things improve for you. They will do so eventually :)