Going nowhere and fast

Haven't exactly gotten off to a good start this year. I woke up this morning before nearly being attacked by a housemate. We called the cops. The landlady's been trying to get him evicted. And of course, they can't do anything. So I continue to live in fear as I try unsucessfully to find employment. I figured if I can't come up with rent in time, I'll probably leave for New Mexico or even return to Arizona, possibly Flagstaff. Or I can give the other side of the state a shot. Yuma perhaps?

Last year, I was working in a hostel in Asheville NC. I was at my wits end. I up and left Austin suddenly from a dead end office job after leaving this current housing situation for another housing situation up the road which only lasted a month. I tried to reconnect with my sister and father only to recieve a cold reception from the both of them, well at least mostly by the old man. See, I have a strained relationship with all of my family. Maybe I am a little too different from them. Or maybe because I was a girl and the quiet and shy type, I was supposed to adhere to a set of expectations that had nothing to do with my underlying personality. I got tired of wearing the same mask for years. The mask that I wore out of fear and that everyone believed me to be. And well, I lost everything  back in 2012. Call it a case of life long burnout. I left Houston for Austin with a stop off in Seattle and in Boston on the Greyhound. I ended up throwing off what I figured to be at the time, a pimp. A guy who saw me on the bus and sniffed out weakness. It helps to ignore people. Well, I fed him some polite attention, and before I knew it he was harassing me on my phone. Made sure that he had my number, not allowing me to duck and dodge into the bathroom back in the bus station. Thankfully, that nightmare only lasted a few days. In the meantime, I was stuck homeless in Austin for three months. And my sister and father, knew about this and didn't do anything about it. Nothing. They made it seem like it was my choice when in fact, I literally had no choice. That's why I stopped talking to all of them for about a year. I was no druggie. I attended college before all this happened. I sweated crappy jobs just to pay bills. But that didn't stop my father from turning his back on me back in Asheville.

I don't have a good rap sheet when it comes to men. Most of the men that I either worked with or lived with or had to spend five minutes with, nine times out of ten, they were attention whores. And to be honest, I don't think I was ever attracted to men or women. It took up to my mid twenties to realize that I was an asexual. In high school, my mother cornered and threatened to attack me if she found out I was gay. The rest of my family kept pretending that I was straight when I really wasn't. All in all, even outside of sexual orientation, I really wasn't allowed to be me at all. Had to police myself in what I said or how I said something. That's probaly the reason why I burned out. Couldn't keep up the facade as I reached my mid twenties. My father made sure that I stayed dependent on him economically while I went through college and paid his bills. That was how he ultimately was able to take everything away and legally screw me over. My sister conspired with him because she believed his shit talk about me. To her, daddy could do no wrong. So that's what happened. I could've left, but keep in mind, I didn't think I had what it takes to live on my own. My self esteem then was lower than it is even righ now as I type this. It was when I had nothing to loose when I finally stopped caring.

And now this mess. For the past year, I've been intentionally traveling around, even backpacking it in Europe some. I worked on some helpx and woofing farms, and even lived on a commune for a while back in northern California. I try to see the good in people, but I'm having a harder time than ever. It turns out that hell really is other people, no matter how well intentioned they might be. I was traveling around in New England once, and a nice yet fretful woman picked me up only to drop me off from where I started, thus all of my walking for nothing. I wasn't hitchhiking then, at least not the way I was later on in Oregon. I was scolded once by a random man outside of mcdonalds because he thought I was a runaway back in Grants Pass.

So ultimately I am here typing this. As I continue to pretend in my job interviews how extraverted I really am and that I like working with people and more bullshit lies that I have to tell in order to convince a total stranger that I'm not some kind of autistic people phobia robot, I'm daydreaming about being some kind of hermit. I thought about some kind of cabin out in the woods tucked away from any sign of society where I would have a couple of dogs and double barrel shot gun just in case. Or I can hole myself in an apartment and never leave. I can empathize with the Maine hermitt about simply not wanting to interact with people. Maybe he simply was tired of people. I don't know. But I know in my case is that I get sucked into people's negativity. Even if that negatvity is not directed at me. I still feel physically ill, and I have to get away from it or else I'll go crazy. That was how I finally snapped with the help of alchol back in the hostel in Asheville. And when I can't get away from the negative residue, or the fact that I keep feeling alienated when I'm in crowds because I don't fit into conventional norms, I start to think that running into a semi going fifty five miles an hour sounds like a good idea.


User Comments

Hope it gets better for you soon x