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They say everyone is the hero of their own story, but if I'm to be completely honest with myself I don't want to be a hero I want to not have my conscience weighing me down. I've made so many stupid fucking mistakes, not taking advantage of people and situations in the rare chance that I had to because of my fucking annoying conscious.
Most people seem to have this cognitive dissonance where they think they are good people when they are pretty fucking horrible to everyone around them and selfish dicks. I have no such delusions and no desire for delusions. I do however have dark desires, I'm 26 I sexually matured at a very early age but with really bad socially so never did anything with it, but I always had dark and kinky sexual ideas/desires and I never really got a chance to fulfill any of them in highschool or after and I still want to fulfill them all, I want to fuck girls 5-10 years younger then me and not give a shit when I break their heart and get them into dark sexual stuff like being a sexual sadist. My ex is horrible for me and given her neediness and effect on me I basically have no choice but to hang her out to dry, we are still kinda together despite me breaking up with her a record number of times but it's going to snap soon.
It's not just with the sexual stuff that I want my fucking conscious to go away either, I hate my work ethic, I just can't sit still and do nothing or goof off at work and get away with it like everyone else seems to be able to. I'm smart but it all goes to waste because of my fucking conscience that turns me into an idiot that refuses to act and apologizes for things I fucking shouldn't be. I am one of the few people with the depths for darkness and yet I constantly have this war within myself and I'm sick of it, I need to look after me or this world will continue to shit on me and I just don't know how.
Butterflies are no more. Spinning my body in circles walking miles in the same space. Repeating the very sentimental thoughts that make me sick. Again and again. I know how to breath now. I know what minfulness is. I know how to get out almost as well as how to get in. This has been a harrowingly long journey. I'm more scared now than ever before as I restle daily with the urge to numb the fe...
I was diagnosed BPD several years ago. I always never got why I took risky behaviour. Too much drink,drugs and sex. To me I was just behaving normally and having a good time. But after a few years of this I started to suffer uncontrolably. I became physically and mentally unwell and suicide seemed the only way out. The highs got higher and the lows just unbearable. I contracted HIV and just felt I...