fearing death for no reason and it hurts

Recently my mind has been hell for me. I don't know what's the problem but my thoughts have been extremely negative lately. This has happened before but back then my life was a mess so the horrible thoughts weren't really out of place. But now, I don't know what triggered these thoughts but all I know is that I want them to go away. I hate this. I keep thinking about death, thinking that someone is going to die soon whether it be me or someone I care about. Those thoughts lead to me being afraid of doing things I used to enjoy or at least tolerate and it also makes me distrustful of the people I'm usually close with. 

All of my thoughts revolve around death, and those thougths are slowly making their way towards my everyday life and it's terrible. I fear everytime someone goes somewhere because what if there's a crash or they're murdered or some other crazy thought that probably won't be happening. There's this horrible feeling in my gut that doesn't go away until they get home safely(and so far all of them have). I fear for their lives although they themselves don't. And these thoughts don't just make me fear for the life of others, they also make me fear mine.

I can't shower without thinking that maybe the water's too hot/cold or maybe I'll slip and fall or maybe even because the showers too loud I won't hear a murderer coming. Those thoughts don't really make sense, I mean I'm pretty sure the water temperature isn't going to kill me and the chances of not hearing someone break into my house without me noticing are pretty slim, but they scare me regardless. But at least I can stomach these thoughts and taking less time bathing isn't really going to do any damage.

It's the fear of being poisoned that I think has affected me most. I eat half or less than the amount I'm used to. Even though this problem didn't start that long ago I've already lost a bit of weight I can't imagine being like this any longer. But the worse part of the fear of being poisoned is being scared of the people I am close with. I have 2 live-in housekeepers that do all the cooking and cleaning at my house, this may seem posh but I live in a country where labor is cheap and having housekeepers is normal. The 2 of them have worked at my home for a pretty long time and they're great people. But thanks to the paranoia now I have a fear of them poisoning me or my family and them don't have any problems with eachother. My family joke around with them and we share things all the time, they're practically family to us. And due to that, I feel extremely guilty, how can I have such bad thoughts about the people that have helped me through so many things and have helped raise me? 

No matter how hard I try, I can't make these thoughts go away permanently, they can only be gone for a short amount of time before they come back and it hurts. I'd rather a physical illness than this because at least then most of the time people know what the problem is and they can help me. But this here it's torture, the only advice people have given me is try to distract myself, pray more or just don't think about it. And so far none of them have had any lasting effect other than a short moment of comfort. In addition to that I've been sick with the flu so I've been told to wait it out until I get better and see if these thoughts go away when i'm heathy. It has also left me unable to go to school and I can't believe that I actually miss it, I miss spending time with more than 3 people and a cat. Sure, I can just text other people but it's not the same. 

I know that this isn't the end of the world and yeah, other people have suffered worse than this but until it goes away it will still be one of the most painful things I have to deal with. I can't stand this pain of thinking that me or some else will die. I can't stand suspecting people close to me wanting to murder me and mu family. I can't stand this paranoia stopping me from enjoying things I usually do. I can't stand not knowing what the actual problem is.

I'll have to live with that. Because there's no miracle cure for this. Even if I get medication most of the time it's not a permanent fix and can be even more harmful than just letting it be. I'll just have to get rid of it slowly, I'll live with the paranoia for the time being but I'm sure that eventually, all will be ok. Eventually, I'll be able to go on with my life without being paranoid of everything. It may take days, months or even years but I know that I'll be fine eventually. And til that day happens I'll just have to carry on with life, because the more I think about the thoughts, the more power I give it to hurt me. The path to being ok again may be hard but eventually I'll get there.

User Comments

I'm no doctor but I think that your paranoia is out of control and it might be in your best interests to seek professional help about it if you can't deal with it on your own. It can be common to become preoccupied with thoughts of death and fear of it, but the levels you are experiencing aren't normal. I would definitely speak to someone about it.

Hope you feel better soon