stuck between a rock and a hard place

I'm a freshman in high school (young, right?) and for the past year or two I've been struggling with a mild case of depression. The only person I've ever told is a friend, who after the initial conversation, hasn't said anything. Honestly, I'm not even sure she believed me. I usually act fine at school, although most of the time I'm pretty emotionless, because my brain has no filter and just makes up anything. I catch myself saying, "I'm so excited" when honestly, I couldn't care less. But my depression's gotten progressively worse lately, and honestly, however cliched this sounds, I'm not too sure I remember what true joy is like. I'm either just fine or miserable. But the emotionlessness is less welcome than the misery, which at this point almost feels comforting? It's like whatever used to be in charge of producing joy got screwed up and now produces misery instead. How fun. I'm thinking about suicide and self-harm a lot more, recently, too. The rational part of my brain's been telling me to get help for a while now, but I don't know if I want to because this misery, like I said, is oddly comforting. It's not pleasant, but it's for some reason something I'm having trouble letting go of. Also, I don't really trust my parents with this. They haven't been too great lately (they've been pissed off a lot, and our relationship lacks much), and with something that's pretty much my entire life, I don't know how I can let them in. There also lies  the problem with telling a school counselor. If I wanted to get meds/therapy, they'd have to know. I'm stuck between wurtzite boron nitride and lonsdaleite (sorry, we just did minerals in our science class), so to speak. Who do I go to? I can't live like this anymore

 

User Comments
Anon-1

I'd genuinely recommend speaking to your school counsellor about this, it will not be as bad as you think (depression can make things seem more daunting than the reality will be) and they can give you some options. Take Care.