My mind is SCREAMING. It's so loud.

So I met a girl a few months back and she's perfect.  We have the same interests and hobbies and when we hang out we can talk for hours.  She's all I can think about. Literally.  My mind is constatnly thinking about her.  I've never met a person like her.  I thought that maybe I had found 'the one'. But, alas, she's gay.  Oh god why? This just hurts for so many reasons.  She sees right through me.  I see her look at girls, one in particular, and I just feel silence.  It's the most painful thing I have experienced.  I accept her sexuality and I understand it's real, but it still hurts and sucks.  There's nobody for me to be mad at, either.  Nobody chose any of this.  What makes this situation so much harder is that for as long as I remember I have always wished i had been born a girl.  I hang out with them more often and get along with them better.  I had a dream just the other night that one of my friends said I wasn't "A Real Girl." And I never would be. UUUUGH. So I am constantly thinking about her even thought there's literally NO point.  My mind won't leave it alone. My heart won't stop yearning.  But for what? More pain? Just stop.  I write this all down ALL the time and then light it on fire to let them go. Doesn't help. Why? Why can't I let go? Why can't I just be who she needs? Why can't I move forward with life? Why can't I accept that there is probably another girl out there for me? These are the things my mind goes over and over and over and over, all day, all night... for months and months.  I just want it to stop.

User Comments

I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now. I hope it gets a bit easier for you soon.